Where the bloody hell are ya?

(A rare saturday Entry as I'm taking a break from work in the library)

Have you seen the new tourist advert for australia? It has all the usual scenes of antipodean beauty; beaches, roos striding along, Ayre's Rock and various Aussies welcoming us as if to their house.

'We've set the table!'
-Says a tanned and smiling bloke, showing a lavish beach barbie ready to go.

'We've got the wine in!'
-Says a likely Sheila in a vineyard. etc. etc.

Until, at last a girl on a beach simply asks,
'Where the bloody hell are ya?'

That is now the official slogan of the Australian Tourist Board.
'Where the bloody hell are ya?'
'Ya bloody poms, where the bloody hell are ya? We're bloody waiting here! Come on over ya pommie bastards, you'll bloody love it!'

Can they do that? It's fairly mild but it's still swearing. Maybe they already have swearing in Australian adverts.

'Vegemite -Looks like shit, Tastes like heaven!'
'Fosters- It's bloody great, get one down ya, ya poof!'
'Castlemain four-x, Australians wouldn't give a fuck for anything else.'

In fact now they can just call it Castlemain Fuck. That's what the XXXX meant, they just couldn't tell us before.

This would be especially good in America - over there you're allowed to talk about rival products, so burger king ads say 'The new whopper- with 50% more beef than the big mac.' Now take this agressive competition and add swearing...

'Drink Pepsi, the choice of a new generation.'
'Fuck Pepsi! Pepsi sucks! To the max!'

NEXT GIGS:
TUESDAY 2ND OF MAY. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

WEDNESDAY 3RD OF MAY.
SOMEWHERE IN MANCHESTER.

Tough Competition.

As always I'm entering any competitons I see coming round. We've a gig on the 17th of May is a very low scale competition in Manchester and today I sent off my application for 'So you think you're funny?'I was prompted to do so because I found out I didn't make it to the heats of the Amused Moose. Here's the e-mail I got;

"Hi,

Thank you very much for your application to be in a heat for the Amused Moose LaughOff 06.

We had a great many applications of a very high standard, a good deal more than we had spaces in the heats, and are sorry to say yours didn't make it through the difficult process to choose contestants.

Thanks again for applying, and good luck with your future gigs! We hope that you'll be back for next year's competition.

Amused Moose LaughOff 06




*email him and say thank you but we
had a large number of entries and he hasn't made it through the vetting
process this time"

I like the bit at the end that Hils jago has forgotten to delete when he/she's edited the mail -presumably from whoever's really in charge - and sent it on to me. Though he/she did mange to clip off the interesting bit *(Could be: It's all fixed anyway but...) What's weird is that it suggests Hils needs specific advice on how to inform me that I didn't get through. Am I the first person in the competition's history not to get through, hence the boss has to issue specific instructions for this bizarre occurance? This is possibly the case as it seems the competition isn;t widly publicised to newcomers- there's no entrance form on the website, I had to e-mail first just to ask how to enter. I also wonder why Hils bothered with a re-write, changing 'vetting process' to 'difficult process to choose contestants'. What's most interesting is that to read this you'd think there actually was a 'vetting process' - when I enquired they said I'd have to e-mail them some comedy references. So when they say they had 'applications of a very high standard' they mean emails with better fonts, and references from more famous comics / promoters who said nicer stuff.

Still, Al and (probably) Cal are in- they could use the organiser of the Newcastle Heat as their reference- so if they don't get in who does? Unfortunately, he's still never seen my act, which is my own fault for not gigging enough. Anyway, I'm sure I'll calm down enough to support them by the time the heats roll around, but if the bill's anything short of packed I'll be mad as a wet Hen.

NEXT GIGS:
TUESDAY 2ND OF MAY. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

WEDNESDAY 3RD OF MAY.
SOMEWHERE IN MANCHESTER.

Amateur night.

I've been thinking recently that one night in the Summer, I'd like to do a 'Pete Special' at the Long Live Comedy night, and get up and do at least half an hour. This would prove (or disprove) that I've got enough to do an actual 'show' - possibly at Edinburgh next year. (In my dreams.)

While I still only have about 10 minutes spoken stand-up that makes the grade, I've got loads of little musical bits and bobs. A lot of this I never expected to do again - but it often got as many laughs as my other stuff, so why not? The only reason I don't use this stuff at real gigs is that it's a pain bringing guitars costumes and props to a new venue, especially when you might not even be able to plug the guitar in, and there may be nowhere to make a quick change. If I was to attempt a half hour at the LLC it would currently include;

Ned Nineacres, the cider junkie.
I'd then whip off the costume in the wings (Note to self: Construct some wings.)and return to the stage as myself for;
general stand up + a few musical jokes, such as the A-team and other TV themes and the Johnny B Goode routine.
Off and on again in Cowboy mood for another two songs in character.
Back as myself to finish off with more stand up culminating in 'Planet of the Apes - The Musical.'

I don't think that's a bad way to spend half an hour. And while a 'Pete Special' sounds a bit up myself, in reality it only means booking 4 outside acts rather than five and me handling one of the 3 30 minute sections myself. Alternatively we completely change the format and have one special night where all 3 hosts do 30 minute shows. I'll have to see if the other lads fancy it, I'm sure Cal and Al wouldn't mind stretching themselves too.

It's weird that people don't do this more often really. Comedy, like film, is odd in that the amateur stuff is in a completely different format to the professional stuff. As well as being generally a bit, well amateur, it also suffers from being a different kettle of fish entirely. Real directors make 90 minute films with proper stories. Amnateur filmakers make 3 minute films like squashed episodes of 'The Twilight Zone. Professional comedians make 30 minute radio and TV shows or do live shows 80 minutes long - amateur comics do (for the most part) 10 minutes of just talking. If you see Ross Noble for 2 hours, he's always going to come across as better than someone who did 10 minutes alongside 6 other acts.

And it doesn't have to be like that. Amateur bands don't play songs 15 seconds long. If you went to a new restaurant and got two chips and a steak the size of a pound coin you wouldn't be happy, no matter how good it tasted.

Why spend half a career doing 5 and 10 minute monologues in the hope that one day you'll have the chance to do an hour long show? Just get on with it!

-I think there's some good advice here, but I'm probably not going to follow it, so anyone else is welcome.

NEXT GIGS:
TUESDAY 2ND OF MAY. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

WEDNESDAY 3RD OF MAY.
SOMEWHERE IN MANCHESTER.

Euphemistically speaking.

First, Al tells me the Manchester gig is next week, 3rd of may. So we have two in a row again. This would be good for focus, two performances in a row could really sharpen up the second night- unfortunately I can't really do the same stuff each night, as the LLC has seen my main act - centered around my Brunel material.

Actually, that was at the first one, over 9 weeks and 4 shows ago, so maybe I can work on the old stuff, and some new bits to bring it up to 10 minutes. - I need to lengthen the bit because I still use a lot of musical stuff and I don't want to bring the guitar to Manchester before I know the territory. Will the soundman freak out because he doesn't have an extra lead? Will the promoter freak out because he doesn't have any patience for musical comedy?

Unfortunately I'm supposed to be doing links next show rather than an act, another reason why just practicing my 10 for Manchester won't work, but what the hell -we've got a light line-up next time so I'm sure I'll get away with it. Sod it, that's what I'm doing! If you're waiting for Billy Bob's cowboy antics you'll have to keep waiting.

As well as correcting me on the date, AL also made a good suggestion for the competition;

"I would like there to be a best euphemism competition. E.g. Trying to have sex whilst drunk - it was like putting marshmallows into a piggy bank."

This is a great idea. I'm going to work on the entrance slips at once. I plan to have a 'please tick one' area to indicate whether your euphemism describes;

wee wees.
plop plops.
women's unclean time.
thingy.

My own favorites are, respectively;

Point Percy at the porcelain.
Drop the kids off.
The Englishmen are disembarking (used by the French.)
The beast with two backs

- actually, that last one's not really a favorite, I'm just intrigued by it because it doesn't really make sense. Two people engaged in any activity have two backs, though I suppose connected in an act of rumpy they could be considered one 'beast' but even so, it still only has one back. Even if the bit where its stomach would be is made of someone's back, it's still the beast's stomach, because it's at the front. Backs are at the back - that's why they're called 'backs', as any fool know. Even if we consider the most straightforward of positions it should be -the four-legged beast with a back, and a front which looks like a back (and admittedly it's fairly arbitrary which one is which.)

TUESDAY 2ND OF MAY. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

WEDNESDAY 3RD OF MAY.
SOMEWHERE IN MANCHESTER.

Have PA will travel.

I have another gig this week, thanks to Al's dedicated research and schmoozing. We're off to Manchester on Wednesday, though I don't have the details. This will be gig 26 for me - I'm not counting the 2 minutes of links I did at the last one.

We also have a PA now (as in Public Address - we don't quite need a Personal assistant yet.) - again thanks to AL, who had been coveting one since his days as one of those guys who helps out musicians, that's it, a drummer. We didn't really need this as the PA at the Dog and Parrot was fine. Actually it was a bit weird this week, but that's probably because it was set up at the last minute, when we failed to bring ours as it was still locked in Al's car, his keys having been stolen in Amsterdam.

Anyway, now we have it, it opens up new horizons. First in using it to full comic potential. We could have proper scene setting sound effects for sketches. We could have little SFX jokes - like opening fan mail and having screams come out, or hearing internal monologue, 'Hmmm, with Cal and Al gone I'd be the star of the show...' -it was always fun when Vic and Bob did that. We could have backing music for more elaborate musical numbers etc etc. Actually all of that depends as much on the sampler as the PA - but the nice thing is just having full control of the sound setup.

The other bonus is we can now do our own shows anywhere. Rather than travel to other comedy nights, we can travel to towns that don't have comedy nights and put one on, all we need is an audience and an empty room. Or rather, a full room with an audience in it. There's no point having an audience if you perform in an empty room.

Of course we might just discover exactly why these places didn't have comedy nights. Or worse still, we'll discover why they don't have mirrors or garlic.

On another matter, we're still looking for ideas for the audience competition at the LLC. I think the ideas we've had so far will all work, in fact even though there were only 10 people in last time we still had over 20 entries so it's certainly a popular part of the show. So the little games / jokes are working, but sometimes it's enough just to ask a simple question - that's what they do at the end of 'the Now Show' every week, eg.

With the Marathon this weekend we asked - What was your greatest Physical achievement?

What?
Learning to walk.
Why did you do it?
To impress the family.

What?
Biking up and down Scarfell Pike.
Why did you do it?
I couldn't read the map.

What?
Giving birth.
Why did you do it?
The baby was coming.


WEDNESDAY 26TH OF APRIL.
SOMEWHERE IN MANCHESTER -IF YOU'RE READING THIS AL PLEASE ADD A COMENT WITH THE DETAILS.

TUESDAY 2ND OF MAY. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
THE 4TH 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

Too Tired.

I've started diaries before, one I had when I was little just has 'too tired' on almost every single page.

I'm knackered today and can't be bothered with this - but I don't want to fall back to doing two entries a week, and I can't fib you off with 'too tired' so I'll force myself. I really am tired and can't concentrate on anything - not even the real work of my MA essays. Yesterday I went to pick my wife up and instinctively picked up all the stuff I'd need in the car- keys, phone, wallet and a tape measure. I didn't need the tape measure, I just picked it up for no aparent reason and brought it along. When we got home I discovered I'd put my hair gel in the fridge while cleaning up. I am obviously going nuts. Ho hum.

It made me think of the weird things people do anyway. Not just through absent-mindedness. I mean the little songs, phrases and even dances we do on our own in the course of a normal day. I had fish and chips for lunch last week and while looking for the vinegar I began singing about my plight -'Where's the bloody salt and vinegar, do do da da vin-e-gar!' I think it was to the tune of 'rule britainia', and I was doing it in a rather natty Noel Coward voice. You don't see that much on TV, even though its an easy way to squeeze another joke into any scene where somone's on their own. The only example I can recall is Hancock chanting 'DRINKA-PINTA-MILKA-DAY.' when he's on his own in the waiting room in 'the blood donor'.

Other news - I've noticed the 'next blog' button on blogger and been occassionally tapping it to see who I'm next door too (though it changes every time) next door today is 'roomies110' - a blog which confirms the fears of everyone who thinks Americans are morons. It's by someone at an American UNIVERSITY, and this is a project she's doing...

"this is for an actual project that I have to do for my math class (it has to do with graphing and finding mean, median, mode and making an attractive model for my teacher) ANYWAYS..Please leave me a comment that answers that following question
About how many times a day does your phone ring?"

She also has an entry entitled "Guess What?????" which turns out to be about the fact that she's giving up drinking 'pop'.

Who cares?????

Gig 26- does it count?

Oops! Missed a day again, I am getting lazy. Pretty much hung over yesterday so I didn't get much done. And why? Drowning my sorrows, for the first LLC that didn't quite work.

It wasn't too bad, but as it reached 9 and there was still no audience except Kate Fox, I decided it probably didn't matter if I was a wee bit tipsy on stage. And when we started late and the first act overran, I knew someone would have to bite the bullet and drastically shorten their set if we were going to fit everything in. Nobly, I stepped up, decided to skip the re-run of my cowboy material and just introduce the guests as fast as I could, and knowing I no longer had to play a guitar - I hit the bar.

The head count went up slightly, my mate gib turned up and Chris Cross (one magician, not two small rappers.) had 3 mates with him - so an audience of five. I guess the easter weekend left everyone partied out and one more night of mindless hedonism was asking too much.

Check out the Long Live Comedy link to see what else happened. And roll on the next one.

TUESDAY 2ND OF MAY. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
THE 5TH 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

Gig -25. Edinburgh.

Hello - hope everyone had a good Easter. Sorry for the delay but as I've said, I don't do weekends, or bank holidays.

Well, gig 25 - at least a quarter of the way through my comedy odyssey, as I plan to do 100 shows then decide if I actually like it. This was Long Live Comedy on tour (kind of) as Cal, Al and myself hopped in the car, popped up to Edinburgh and stopped the show - at the Stand.

It's a great little venue, in the basement of some flats just off princes street, and it's just comedy, 7 days a week, and beginners like us can get a look in. Oh, if only there was such a place in Newcastle. It's quite a big room, but has low ceilings and it's an odd shape, and it's popular - so it feels quite cramped. The first row of tables are touching the tiny semi-circle stage, I could have reached out and patted the first row on the head - (though I was strong and didn't give in to this temptation).

Sarah Millican got us on and she'd blagged us two 10 minute spots and a 5. I took the 5, as I still don't have a 10 that doesn't include a guitar. We were all keen to keep to time, as we'd been warned this was the sort of place where sticking to your slot is as important as being funny. An earlier liverpool comedian stretched his 5 minutes to 7, despite the engineer flashing the warning light as if the Bee Gees had arrived at the Copa. He got a telling off too. Actually, we agreed that the extra two minutes were the weakest part of his act and it would have been much better if he'd finished on time.

So, I kept it short - 4 minutes - so maybe too short, as I forgot my knighthood joke- doh! Cal was similarly cautious and did a good eight, but was kicking himself for leaving out some good stuff - including Chav! -the musical. Al was worst off though - he did a good set which was a little short - we guessed it was around 8 minutes, but it turned out to be 5 and a half - so he was on for less time than some of the 5 minuters. It was still a good set but Al was gutted.

TOP TIP - STICK TO TIME. BUY A FANCY VIBRATING WATCH LIKE WHAT CAL HAS GOT.

But - tonight is the LLC, so plenty of time to practice again - come along, the picture is a clue to what you can expect from me.



TUESDAY 18TH OF APRIL. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
THE 4TH 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

The Language of Shakespear.

I've been reading (Actually listening to in the car thanks to audio books) 'Made In America', Bill Bryson's history of the English Language in America. It's full of funny little notes on old names and places, the vast majority of which I'll only remember when somone else mentions them. I've got a lot of facts in that portion of the brain that allows you to go, 'Oh yeah, I did know that!'five minutes afetr somone else looks clever by saying it first.

There were some great place names, the early, rough and tumble settlers filled America with Tit hills, knob creeks etc - though most were gentrified later. A name that stuck out for me was the town of Dead Bastard Pete, Iowa. I don't know if that's a good name for a town or not. On the one hand they had a bastard called Pete, but he's dead now so maybe that's a bonus. It reminded me that the only place I've seen a namesake of mine in a movie was in Hot Shots - the Top Gun spoof, which had a character called Pete 'Dead Meat' Thompson. He dies in it obviously.

I remember feeling a wave of irrational embarassment in the cinema. Having a famous namesake must be awful, I think there should be a somethingorotheraphobia - to describe the fear of someone who looks like you or has the same name suddenly becoming famous. Overnight, the first reaction everyone has to you would change. Take comic Chris Martin, a few years ago a perfectly normal name - now every idiot he meets says 'What, Like him out of Coldplay?'

Oh another thing from the Bryson book - the amish have a word for 'winnets'. I can't remember what it was, but the odd thing was he seemed bemused that they should want one. That's the difference between Americans and us (and the Amish) - they say, 'you don't need a word to describe bits of dry poo stuck to the botty hairs.' We say, 'No, we don't need it - but we want it.' - Philistines.

MONDAY 17TH APRIL -
THE STAND -EDINBURGH.

TUESDAY 18TH OF APRIL. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
THE 4TH 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

Fun and Games.

Last night's gig was... cancelled. So no rehersal before Edinburgh. Nevermind, it's not really a problem for me as I took the shorter 5 minute slot. I'll be doing the shortened version of the routine I did for the Chortle awards, which hasn't really had a proper outing since the Cumberlamd Arms where it went down well. If I've got to keep it under 5, then I can edit out anything short of guaranteed laughs. Shame I'm driving though, I hadn't realised it was on the bank holiday, other wise I would have looked into the cheap train and make a day of it option. If we're lucky it could be perfect '5 pints in the peartree beer garden' weather. But I am driving so I hope it pisses down.

No sooner do we get back than the next Long Live Comedy is on, and we still don't know what the competition's going to be. Last week's 'mixed up questions and answers'- (See the 'Who was Oscar Wilde' Entry) was OK but took a lot of explaining, and the answer sheet had to be passed round - punters couldn't just note down something funny when they thought of it, so I'm up for moving on to a new one. Here are some suggestions;

Complete the lyrics.
Quote a famous song lyric, but change it a bit...

'Loving you is easy cos you're rich.'

'tall and young and tanned and lovely, the girl from ipenema goes walking and when she passes, each one she passes goes...bloody hell, I'd give my right arm to have a go at that.'

plumber's/butcher's/policeman's songbook/movieclub/bookclub.
Nicked from 'I'm sorry I haven't a clue' - a bit like the first one but themed.eg. for butchers;

steak rattle and roll.
steak cattle and roll.
steak cattle and sausage roll.-depending on how far you want to go.
liver and let die.
the little chop of horrors.
oxtail of two cities.

A yo mamma's so fat competition.
'yo mamma's so fat that the airline had to give her two planes.
'yo mamma's so fat that i drove round her and ran out of petrol_'
'yo mamma's so ugly that she has to put sausages round her neck to pet the dog.*
'yo mamma's so slutty she wears skis in the phonebox.'
'yo mamma's so slutty the fleet came in and an hour later they called for reinforcements.'

*This one is courtesy of Les Dawson, which made me realise that this is just the US equivalent of 'My mother in law's so..'So the only difference would be final presentation - If we go for 'Yo momma' then two of us will don baseball caps throw insults at each other. If it's 'My mother in law' one of us will wear a bow tie and frill fronted shirt and read them off with a pint of bitter in one hand and an elbow resting on the mic stand.

MONDAY 17TH APRIL -
THE STAND -EDINBURGH.

TUESDAY 18TH OF APRIL. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
THE 4TH 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

Pete does 'lad' stand up.

Still busy, hence nothing yesterday. But a gig tonight, and I might consider putting something like the following into it. Al's always saying his slightly 'blue' stuff always gets laughs, so I'll try it, thought it's a bit of a departure for me. -Actually it's not that bad at all - but by my standards this is pretty risque.

Women are always saying - 'God you're all the same.'
It's annoying isn't it. Yeah, it's true - but it's still annoying.
Cos there are certain things that all men will always do. I heard someone say, 'men can't resist kicking a can or a stone in the street. That's not true, some of us don't like football much, we can resist the urge. However, if we accidentally kick a stone on the path, and it ends up in front of us again, we will kick it again deliberately. I've kicked stones all the way home before. Didn't want to. But once you start, you've got to play the game. I've kicked stones home in the snow - the bastards get bigger. 2 hours later you're outside somone's house and the kids are asking why that strange man's kicking the shit out of frosty.
-All because you kicked a pebble in the street. Now, if a man sees a magazine blowing down the street, we will - without exception - have a quick look at it, just in case it's porn. If it's not, we're slightly disappointed. If it is, we will briefly consider picking it up and taking it to work. Hmmm, it's a bit muddy, might rub off on the patient records*.

But we will consider it. Cos most bloke's first glimpse of porn was finding some under a bush in the woods. We would go out and hunt for it, like blackberries. That's how much a 13 year old wants to look at a picture of some tits - he'll pull it out of a pile of damp leaves and pick the slugs off.

*I tried to think of the most in appropriate thing to put a soggy porn mag next to. 'Pope's will' was the best one, but it's too much of a surprise.

NEXT GIGS:

TUESDAY 11TH OF APRIL -
THE HORSES MOUTH @ BELLE GROVE HOTEL, BELLE GROVE TERRACE, NEWCASTLE.
-walk north up richardson road, east side of leazes park, it's on the left after 5-8 min walk from the trent house.

MONDAY 17TH APRIL -
THE STAND -EDINBURGH.

TUESDAY 18TH OF APRIL. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
THE 4TH 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

Galacticon 4.

Planet names.
Why do planets have weird names in sci-fi movies? Endor, Galifrey… I bet they all mean the same… earth, dirt, ground, what you stand on. Because when you try to think of a name for the whole planet – we’re probably not very sophisticated at that stage. And it’s got to be the same everywhere. You ask Superman what does ‘Krypton’ actually mean; ‘Well it roughly translates as ‘ the ground’. If Kirk is talking to spock;
‘Tell me Spock…what does…the name.. of your planet …actually ..mean?’
‘Well captain, a crude translation would be –the shit we walk around on.. you know mud.’

What’s worse though is when they number planets. Galacticon 6, Omnicron persii 8. Why? I thinks its weird when people don’t name their pets, but their planets?

‘Welcome to our planet, home of a billion souls, cradle of myriad lifeforms and natural wonders… we call it lamariax. (or soil.)
‘And what of the other 4 planets in your system?’
‘Larmariax 2,3,4 and 5…. What? You try coming up with a catchy title.’
What a kick in the teeth if you live on Galacticon 4. You’d be trying to cover it up;
‘Yeah, I’m from Galacticon (cough)’
‘Oh, a fellow Galacticonian. Well, you must know Bob.’
‘Actually, I’m from galacticon 4.’
‘Oh, right. Erm.’

Nobody wants to live in a number. This is why people take down the ‘23’ and put up a little plaques saying ‘Sea view cottage’. I bet the postmen love that.

As you probably guessed I'm busy again today and I've put some old stand up notes that I found on a disk. If anyone thinks any of it is remotely worth keeping please drop me a line.

NEXT GIGS:

TUESDAY 11TH OF APRIL -
THE HORSES MOUTH @ BELLE GROVE HOTEL, BELLE GROVE TERRACE, NEWCASTLE.

MONDAY 17TH APRIL -
THE STAND -EDINBURGH.

TUESDAY 18TH OF APRIL. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
THE 4TH 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

Those vagabond blues...

New York.
New York, New England, New Hampsire. Why do people travel thousands of miles to get away from a place and then pretend they’re still there?
Especially new York. York’s not that great is it?

‘We have arrived in the new world, opportunity, change, fresh horizons.’
‘I miss the Viking centre.’
‘Yeah, me too.’

And remember it was New Amsterdam first – now I can see certain arguments for having another Amsterdam. What if you arrived just after the changeover;
‘Here we are, New Amsterdam, new drugs, new hookers, new Rembrant Museum…’
‘Sorry, it’s all been packed up, New York now.’
‘where’re the canals?’
‘All sent back, it’s ministers and longboats now mate.’

I do like New Zealand, though. Because there’s no old Zealand – but it sounds like there should be. Zealand – sounds like a crazy doctor Suese type place. Yup, I remember Zealand, with the giant purple bees, and the flying fish a-nesting in the thumpa-lumpa trees.

Someone actually told me that New Zealand, is Dutch for new sea land. It’s probably just as well the Dutch didn’t discover too much.
‘I’ve found some new land.’
‘In the sea was it?’
‘That’s right, in the sea.’
‘Hmm, new land in the sea – what should we call it?’


As you probably guessed I'm busy today and I've put some old stand up notes that I found on a disk. If anyone thinks any of it is remotely worth keeping please drop me a line.

NEXT GIGS:

TUESDAY 11TH OF APRIL -
THE HORSES MOUTH @ BELLE GROVE HOTEL, BELLE GROVE TERRACE, NEWCASTLE.

MONDAY 17TH APRIL -
THE STAND -EDINBURGH.

TUESDAY 18TH OF APRIL. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
THE 4TH 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

Ice tea next time.

Cal and Al do the audience competition results-I didn't think to get one of me in costume.






A good show all in all last night. I forgot to tape my compere bits, but I don't think there was much I could have re-used anyway. For my 'proper' act I did a cider addicted wurzle type farming character who had been in the music business, and even given Jimi Hendrix advice on his plums. (Though sending Jimi to the doctor about his testicles.) It took a while to get going, because it literally took a while to get going, I spent a deliberate time on stage setting up, especially going off to get a drink (pint of cider) to 'wet moi whistle' then asking how long I was on. Told it was 5 minutes, I looked at the pint, musing, then went off to get another 'better safe than sorry, eh?'. This idea really tickled me, but when the audience still didn't know what was happening, maybe it just looked like pointless prevaricating. But I had to put across that he liked cider as the pay off was reaching phrases in the songs that sounded like 'cider' (eg-'that tickled inside her', from the woman who swallowed a fly song) then going mad and downing a pint; 'sorry 'bout that, the appley mist just rose before me eyes, I felt the hand of ol' scrumpy himself 'pon me.'

Take it from me it's not a great idea to write material that means you have to down two pints of woodpecker. Oh how we suffer for our art. It wasn't the funniest thing of the night, but might be the thing people remember most. We also had the comedy magician Flash on, so it was something like the heady mix of anything-goes nonsense we'd set out to create.

Anyway, this page is all about me. Check the LLC site to see what everyone else did. -But wait till Friday as we haven't done it yet.

ALSO -there's now comedy every Tuesday. Us one week and The Horses Mouth the next. It's going for more experienced acts and fewer open mic spots than they used to have at the Chili or Egypt Cottage. (Neither of which are running anymore-despite what it says in the Crack etc.) It's usually compered by John Scott, with PA master stew and frequent appearances by Steff and others. And me and Cal at the next one, so get along there.

NEXT GIGS:

TUESDAY 11TH OF APRIL -
THE HORSES MOUTH @ BELLE GROVE HOTEL, BELLE GROVE TERRACE, NEWCASTLE.

MONDAY 17TH APRIL -
THE STAND -EDINBURGH.

TUESDAY 18TH OF APRIL. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
THE 4TH 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

Long live comedy 3. Gig 24.

Tonight is the third installment of long live comedy, upstairs at the dog and parrot -this area is now officially called 'the cedar rooms' although 'the cedar room and the ladies and gents cedar toilets' would be more accurate. I'll be hosting the first section of the show where I'll be trying out a few bits and bobs to warm the crowd. After Callum did his cats v. dogs material last week, I remembered some old stuff i'd written on this old favorite of stand-ups everywhere, so I'll give that another spin. One of the acts if comedy magician Flash, so if he's in my section I've got a great anecdote I read in a history of magic. I'm also going to test SImon Pegg's theory that reading Trivial Pursuit questions with the wrong answers is the funniest thing in the world. This leads into our audience competition for this week.

It's also my turn to be a proper act, so I'm trying out a new character. The piece requires me to down 2 pints of cider in quick succession, so there's a very real possibility you might see me throwing up on stage.

If you want to see how any of that pans out, get yourself down to the new CR, above the old D and P.

NEXT GIGS:

TUESDAY 4TH OF APRIL. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START.
THE THIRD 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

MONDAY 17TH APRIL - THE STAND -EDINBURGH.

Gong show 2. Gig 23.

Gig 23 was the middlesborough gong show. Pretty rough again. I think I'm just not the sort of comedian who will ever win gong shows in middlesborough. I don't want to get up myself and say that's a good thing, but to instantly appeal to the majority of a large crowd in a few minutes, would mean changing my style too much. Have I just said my style means crowds don't like me? Yes, reading that back, that's exactly what I said. But I'm thinking of quirky comedians like Eddie Izzard or Harry Hill - they wouldn't win middlesborough gong shows either. I might be just shit, but even if I am, I'm shit in that general area. If I was trying to be like Peter Kay, and I was still gong down like a lead balloon at gong shows, that would prove something.

Nothing else today, but if you want more entertainment out of me today go to the LLC site where I've added some of the audience entries to the first show's competition.


NEXT GIGS:

TUESDAY 4TH OF APRIL. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START.
THE THIRD 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

MONDAY 17TH APRIL - THE STAND -EDINBURGH.