Mcwirter Twins - and other guff cleared out of the notebook.

NEW DEFINITIONS:
Carpets - The spiders that live in your wing mirrors.
Warthogs - Geordies' clothes. (I heard this one on ISIHAC)

I'm a workaholic, I can't work without drinking.

Who invented fabric softener? Why are we buying something that weakens our clothes.

There was a craze at school where everyone wanted a diver's watch. 'My birthday last week, got this, tells the time 200 metres underwater.' I went one better, got a vulcanologist's calculator. 'Got this, does sums at 500 degrees centigrade.' Why did anyone want a diver's watch? If I'm 200 metres underwater I'm concerned with getting to the surface- I don't care if I'm later for a meeting when I get there.

Parents can be cruel. Take the Mcwirter twins, Norris Mcwirter and his brother Ross, Co founders of the Guiness book of records. If you've got twins, and you call one Ross, don't call the other one something that sounds suspitiously like 'No Ross.'

'Congratulations Mrs. Mcwriter, are these the boys?'

'Yes, this is my beautiful first born Ross.'

'And the other one?'

'Oh, him. He's no ross.'

'What?'

'Noriss, he's Noriss.'


What's that little hole you can open up on the side of your hoover hose? Surely that just means there's less air sucking in at the end you're using to suck up dirt.

WORST LYRIC EVER?
Lindisfarne -Lady Eleanor.

"She tied my eyes with ribbon of a silken ghostly thread
I gazed with double vision on an old four poster bed
Where Eleanor had risen to kiss the neck below my head."

Where's your other neck then?