Ebony and ivory

Today I want to explain why I hate Paul Mcartney and I hate Stevie Wonder.

Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony
Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh lord, why dont we?

That's the reason why I hate Paul Mcartney and I hate Stevie Wonder. Because of these stupid, juvenile, ill-conceived notions on how to acheive racial harmony throughout the world.

You see, what Paul and Stevie have noticed is that the small ebony keys on a piano are black, and the big ivory keys are white. Well, that's what Paul's noticed. What Stevie's noticed is that the ebony keys are slightly rough, but warm, whereas the ivory keys are smooth but slightly cold to the touch. But they've gone with the colour thing, because they don't want to sing about racial conflict between the small, rough, warm people and the big, cold smooth people.

Anyway, Paul's turned to Stevie and said, 'Hey, Stevie- these keys are black and white, and yet they live side by side on our piano keyboard, apparently in perfect harmony.' And Stevie's run his hands along those keys and he's said 'I think you're on to something there, my caucasian friend, because I can sense no racial tension whatsoever.'

And from this observation they've leapt to the conclusion that we should all follow the example of these piano keys. But what Paul Mcartney and Stevie Wonder have overlooked is that the ebony keys are bits of wood and the ivory keys are bits of dead elephant. And neither material, in itself, is capable of any kind of mental activity. Piano keys cannot produce a single thought or idea, bigoted or otherwise.

But let's give Paul and Stevie the benefit of ther doubt. Let's presume this analogy is not really about ebony and ivory per se, let's presume it's actually talking about living ebony trees and living elephants. Does it work then? Well, while piano keys may 'live side by side in perfect harmony' if you put elephants and ebony trees side by side, the elephants do tend to eat bits of the trees. Now, I'm not suggesting for a moment that either Paul Mcartney, or Stevie wonder were sayinng that racial conflict would end if the caucasians like myself started to eat little bits of the black people. Clearly, that's just going to make things worse.

But if the 'ebony, ivory' idea doesn't even prove that elephants and trees can live together, how much less is it a formula for acheiving racial harmony? It just goes to show how misguided Paul and Stevie are. They might be at home watching the news, and perhaps they see that the Sunni and Shia muslims are fighting again. And stupid, stupid Paul Mcartney turns to stupid, stupid Stevie Wonder and says, 'Look at those poor people. If only those people could be killed, and parts of their bodies chopped off and fashioned into keys for a monstrous piano of death, which you and I could play together, then they would finally live together in perfect harmony, side by side on our piano key board.

And that's why I hate Paul Mcartney and I hate Stevie Wonder.