Freak Show.

I heartily admit that I'm a man born after my time. I lke tweed. Heaven for me would simply be to wake up one day as Bertie Wooster. (This was actually what the first draught of 'Metamorphosis' was all about -"Gregor Samsor awaoke one morning to find he had been trasformed into an enormous Bertie Wooster.") Anyway, I have missed the time period I would most like to have lived through, and therefore my ideal career is closed to me. I will never be the ringmaster in a traveling carnival of freaks. Never will I hear the astonished gasps as I sweep back the curtain to reveal the bearded lady, monkey-faced boy or the three legged man.

I did think of starting an ironically bad post modern freak show. My friend Paul was to be the star turn, one of his eyes is a little bit blue and a little bit brown. He was to be billed as the amazing kalidescope boy. But at present even organising this is beyond me, so in the meantime, let me present...

The Worlds worst freak show, the cabinet of household anomolies...

Behold! The Siamese Spaghetti! Joined at the head (or is it the foot?) this unfortunate pair still manage to live a full and rewarding life.



But worst of all, prepare to witness the loathsome, twisted form of... The Elephant Cracker!


"I am not an elephant, I am a craker."

Oh the humanity!

Gig 56 LLC- The Great Outdoors.

I've gone back to a post a week and was worried I'd missed some gigs, but I see the last post was to report on the last LLC. I've done nothing in between, so we're alright. But next week it's unlikely I'll manage to report on all the gigs. Here they are...

Gig 57. Monday 29th. -Edinburgh Stand.
Gig 58. Tuesday 30th. -LLC.
Gig 59. Thursday 1st. - Castle Leazes Student Union.
Gig 60. Sunday 4th. - The Fish Tank - Durham.

That lot will earm me a handsome £20. Well, Thursday will - the rest will get me bugger all. Monday will cost me and Al £20 each in petrol. D'y here that day job- your days are numbered!

Anyway, last LLC was the great outdoors. I didn't have anything until an hour before when I actually looked at my camping equiptment. A Swiss army Knife.

The first thing anyone does with such a knife is open up both knife blades, big AND small - then they do a very bad Darth Maul Impression. Of course if you actually compere them to anything in your kitchen, it's small knife and ridiculuosly small knife. Most outdoors tasks require a fairly hefty blade, I can't imagine when anyone thinks "2 inches long - far too heavy and unweildy. Killing this bear will require the delicate touch." But the most frequently used tool of the Swiss Army Knife is actually the corkscrew. About 1000,000 are sold a year and on 900,000 that's the only blade that is ever is opened. But why is that on an 'army' knife at all. If there was such a thing as a British Army knife, I wouldn't design it with something to aid the average squaddie to get any more pissed and rowdy than he already is. However, this is the Swiss army, they're a bit more sophisticated. "So Jean-Pierre, I think it is time to break out the emergency rations... red or white?"

Next most used is the bottle opener, by this stage it's still essentially a 'booze stick'. Which, to be fair suits most of my camping trips. Ray Mears doesn't tell you this, but you can get a fire hot enough to melt the bottle from a sainsburys French larger. (Makes a nice key-ring.) Alongside the bottle opener is the can opener. They look very similar, so here's a system to remember them;

Sleepy Tortoise. (Look at him yawn.) and Angry tortoise.


Sleepy because he's been opening beers all afternoon and Angry because he's been working for 10 minutes and he still hasn't got his beans open.

If you look closely you'll see that their noses are screw drivers, very useful in the wilderness. If the fire's burning low, just approach a tree, unscrew a branch and pop it on the fire. But do replace the screws, otherwise the tree can lose a lot of sap.

Gig 55. Crammed at the LLC.

A full bill and a fuller room, 8 acts (somehow) and loads of people. So not much time, I did bits of the last few days blogs as material and it all went pretty well. So- ok. But I'll have to repeat myself a wee bit as I'd like a new five for edinburgh (the stand at the end of the month, not the festival) and I'd like it to make sure it REALLY works rather than do an important gig on the strength of, 'Well I did it once and it went OK'.

*

Also, in researching the Hitler song (I do occassionally research this rubbish) I found an introductory verse to the song...

(Sung to the tune of Land of Hope and Glory.)

Land of soap and water,
Hitler's having a bath.
Churchill's looking through the keyhole,
Having a jolly good laugh
Be..e..e..e..cause...

Hitler — has only got one ball...

*Ok so it's not Hitler in the bath, but it is Hitler's bath. This is the closest picture the internet can provide at present. Come on nerds!

Snowball.

We got a leaflets through our door this week, from the police. This was whole printed leaflet about 1 guy with an ASBO and how we should now look out for him, as he's not allowed in the area. But one thing I spotted, his name was John Martin Snowball. Now wonder he turned out a bad 'un. How can a kid suceed with the name of a persian cat and a gay drink. He's been ridiculed and fighting back since he was a kid.

I can imagine him at 12, when the taunting really started to get bad, pleading with his father to let him change it.

"No way son, that's the family name. You should be proud to be a snowball! You're too soft. It's your mother's fault, she handled you with kid gloves and now she can't let go. But when you're a snow ball you've got to be hard, you've got to be firm, you've got to stay cool. You can't just fall to pieces every time something throws you. You've got to stand up to those bullies. Ignore them, if they try to intimidate you and it doesn't work- you come out the bigger man. Just remember that, you're a snowball- they can push you round all they want. it just makes you bigger than them.

There's a proud family tradition of snowballs. I'm not saying all snowballs are good. we've had some bad ones, your auntie Phylis Snowball, she was a bad un, there was something deep down inside of her, something nasty. Something nobody knew about till it was too late. Then there was Great Uncle George Snowball, he was a conciencious objector in the war, a coward he was, there's nothing worse than a snowball with a yellow streak."

A kick in the balls.

With the new year I've been endulging in activities I'd let slide of late. I started playing squash again last week, and very shortly after I was hit in the nuts by a squash ball. Which is something I've not done for ages. A long time since I was hit in the knackers. Many a moon since gonzo got whacked in the eyes.

When I was a kid it seemed to happen twice a week. What with other kids, bike cross bars, improvised swings etc, I was fairly accustomed to it. But these days it's a thankfully rare occurance. Men are very sensitive about their balls (obviously). I remember a drunken conversation where a friend said he would never be truly happy because he was never going to get the quantity or quality of sex he felt he was entitled to. As he was never gowing to grow some charm or good looks the only answer was to reduce his desire. I suggested castration. There he would be, intelligent, happy, sprightly and free of the testosterone which was giving him urges he could never hope to act upon. My friend didn't like the idea. "Couldn't I have an operation of the brain to lower my standards instead?" He said he'd rather have bits of his brain removed until he was not aware of and could not comprehend the existence of (for example) Kylie Minogue's Arse. He'd rather be a drooling moron, fiddling with himself over a stripping biro, than drop the veg.

Some people have only one. And this is seen as a bad thing - less balls, less man! Hence the song;

"Hitler has only got one ball,
Göring has two but very small,
Himmler is somewhat sim'lar,
But poor old Goebbels has no balls at"

But does the opposite apply? Is 3 balls even weirder, or is it the sign of the truly macho? Perhaps we should have added another verse;

"Churchill, he has got 14 balls.
Monty, has 25 in all.
Bader- fewer but harder
And mountbatten's often sat upon his haul."

Gig 54. Billy Bob rides again!

Gig 54 was my first trip to James Christopher's York gig

(learn more here)

although to save you time, here's the review of my bit;


"excellent character act Pete Thompson treated us to his guitar-plucking cowboy alter-ego, Bob Thornton. It was a sparkling turn, with great gags, songs and performance."

Not a bad review, as long as no one notices that we pop down to York in what amounts to a comedian exchange programme, so I suppose James will tend to be generous. It was a good night and I was glad to air this old material again, it's a bit I would like to perfect, though it's not something I'd want to do too often or call my main act. There's too many comic cowboys about - Rich Hall's Otis lee Crenshaw, being the biggest one at the moment. I didn't do the turkey song - I think Ashley's right (see coments on last post). I had the idea and once I get an idea in my head I like to finish it, but I hadn't really thought about wether it would work as stand up. Still, you might see the turkey song attempted at the LLC - that's what it's for- and if I do it there I won't be tempted to try it out cold next time I get a proper gig.

The act will be on the podcast soon- though I forgot my recorder so I'll have to wait for James to send a copy of the tape he made. Another gem I hope to make available soon is Cal and Al performing my 'Quorn to be Wild' sketch. I never thought they'd get round to doing it, but was overjoyed to learn they'd had a shot at it in my absence. They tell me it went well - but more on that when I see the video that Cal took. So lots going on, including a few things which we'll anounce soon - feels like exciting times down at the old LLC.

Turkey Jerky.

Tomorrow the LLC is running again, but I'm in York - at James Christopher's gig which he runs in flagrant competition with ours. I've decided to give my cowboy character another outing- and here's another song he could do. Though probably won't tomorrow, because I haven't worked the music out yet.

Howdy folks, you know I have to make a living writing comercials sometimes, and here's one that's running about every 20 minutes on alabama state radio. It's for jerky, not beef jerky, turkey jerky. Most people don't know you can jerk a turkey, but you can jerk most anything if you've a mind to. It's not the most apetizing of jerky, is turkey - but it sells because people like saying it. Anyhoo.. the comercial goes like this...

I saw a bird who looked like a jerk
but I gave him a chance 'cos he wanted to work
gave him a shotgave that turkey a job
but he goofed off and he goofed around
and you know what i found
that turkey was a no good low down slob

one day he didn't show, he'd split and taken my car
well, I'm telling you that turkey wont get far

When i catch that jerky turkey
I'm gonna make some turkey jerky
i'll pull off his flesh and dry it in the sun
I'll make tasty strips of turkey jerky
from that no good jerky turkey
then I'm gonna get some beer and have some fun.

Gonna slice his gizzard and stomp on his balls
and hang the bits from my south-facing walls
then leave them in a marinade to soak
I'll pull off his wings, shove 'em up his ass
and sweeten it up with a little molasses
salt and pepper and chilli and hickery smoke

Quorn to be Wild.

Here's a sketch that I dragged out because it might have been performed at the next LLC - 9th January. The subject is 'Fat' so it fits in quite nicely. But I'm doing James Christopher's York gig, so I won't be at the LLC. Though it's just possible cal and al might have a go at it. It should be performed with a pete and dud vibe...



X
How long since you gave up then?

Y
Nearly three years. You?

X
Oh, I’ll never give up, I know people say it’s wrong,
or it’s bad for you, I just like the taste too much.

Y
Oh! Me too. I love it! A nice roast leg! Oooh!

X
Spare ribs?

Y
Oh yeah, I can still taste it.

X
So why’d you stop?

Y
Well, moral reasons really. I think they’ve as much
right to live as we do.

X
Nah, it’s survival of the fittest- it’s natural. If
I’m strong and smart enough to catch them, I recon God
wants me to eat em.

Y
You could be right. Maybe I’m just a bit squeamish.

X
So, do you like remember the exact moment you thought
– ‘Right, no more human flesh for me!’ ?

Y
Yeah, I do. I was sitting at the kitchen table,
tucking into my latest, and I looked out the window
and I saw some lads running about knocking a football
round, enjoying themselves, and I thought – that’s how
they should live – free to roam, not crammed into my
freezer or blocking up the drains.

X
Oh, boo hoo - yer big Jessie.

Y
Well you have to admit it’s cruel.

X
Not if you do it right. With me, right, they just
walk in, look round, say – ‘What kind of a surprise
party is this?’ , then it’s ‘Boof!’?(Mime hitting
someone on head with a stick) - Goodnight Vienna!

Y
Well, I suppose if they’ve had a good life and they
don’t suffer.

X
Exactly! It’s just when people play with their food,
causing unnecessary suffering.

Y
Yeah! Gives cannibals a bad name that does. Like
that bloke in Silence of the Lambs.

X
(Astonished- like his hero's being criticised)
Hannibal Lectre? What’s wrong with him?

Y
Not him! He’s a gent. The other one.

X
Who?

Y
The one who keeps the women in his basement until
they get thin.

X
That’s crazy! He wants to fatten them up.

Y
Well I think he only wanted their skins.

X
Their skins?

Y
Yeah, he wanted to flay them and make a women-skin
coat.

X
That is just sick!

Y
Yeah.

X
Killing for the sake of fashion.

Y
Aye.

X
Not even eating them! Criminal.

Y
Well exactly, I feel the skin looks better on the
woman.

X
Yeah. To be honest I have thought of giving up
recently. Mind, not cos some liberal says it’s
‘cruel’. Just, you’re bound to get caught in the end
aren’t you?

Y
Oh aye. The problems I used to have getting rid of
the bones.

X
Well that’s my trouble now. And not just the bones.

Y
No?

X
Well you were lucky, I’ve never liked liver.

Y
No.

X
Biggest organ in the bastard body that is.

Y
I thought you used to burn them.

X
Gateshead smokeless fuel laws buggered that up.

Y
What about your allotment?

X
Full to bursting. Mind, that’s the only way to get
show quality leeks. Nah, I’ll have to quit. How did
you give up then, if you still like the taste so much?

Y
Well, actually, I do have a secret…

(Put on a ‘voice over’ voice and address the audience
directly for this bit – or actually have it as an off
stage voice over.)

Yes, my secret is cani-quorn, the new meat-free
alternative to bloody human flesh.


X
Yes, if you enjoy cannibalism, but don’t like
spending years in institutions for the criminally
insane, - then choose cani-quorn.

Y
Cani-quorn all the taste of human flesh, and only half
the calories.


end
-this is actually a short version- another way to end
it is to have them complain about the quality of the
meat - full of drugs/ they're all on the dole-
cramped housing (think veal) no excercise etc. then
one says he complained to his MP and got a letter
back-
"Dear sir, while we are sympathetic to your cause we
will not be making these views official policy in the
near future. PS. I wouldn't eat a geordie if he was
glazed in honey." end.