Quorn to be Wild.

Here's a sketch that I dragged out because it might have been performed at the next LLC - 9th January. The subject is 'Fat' so it fits in quite nicely. But I'm doing James Christopher's York gig, so I won't be at the LLC. Though it's just possible cal and al might have a go at it. It should be performed with a pete and dud vibe...



X
How long since you gave up then?

Y
Nearly three years. You?

X
Oh, I’ll never give up, I know people say it’s wrong,
or it’s bad for you, I just like the taste too much.

Y
Oh! Me too. I love it! A nice roast leg! Oooh!

X
Spare ribs?

Y
Oh yeah, I can still taste it.

X
So why’d you stop?

Y
Well, moral reasons really. I think they’ve as much
right to live as we do.

X
Nah, it’s survival of the fittest- it’s natural. If
I’m strong and smart enough to catch them, I recon God
wants me to eat em.

Y
You could be right. Maybe I’m just a bit squeamish.

X
So, do you like remember the exact moment you thought
– ‘Right, no more human flesh for me!’ ?

Y
Yeah, I do. I was sitting at the kitchen table,
tucking into my latest, and I looked out the window
and I saw some lads running about knocking a football
round, enjoying themselves, and I thought – that’s how
they should live – free to roam, not crammed into my
freezer or blocking up the drains.

X
Oh, boo hoo - yer big Jessie.

Y
Well you have to admit it’s cruel.

X
Not if you do it right. With me, right, they just
walk in, look round, say – ‘What kind of a surprise
party is this?’ , then it’s ‘Boof!’?(Mime hitting
someone on head with a stick) - Goodnight Vienna!

Y
Well, I suppose if they’ve had a good life and they
don’t suffer.

X
Exactly! It’s just when people play with their food,
causing unnecessary suffering.

Y
Yeah! Gives cannibals a bad name that does. Like
that bloke in Silence of the Lambs.

X
(Astonished- like his hero's being criticised)
Hannibal Lectre? What’s wrong with him?

Y
Not him! He’s a gent. The other one.

X
Who?

Y
The one who keeps the women in his basement until
they get thin.

X
That’s crazy! He wants to fatten them up.

Y
Well I think he only wanted their skins.

X
Their skins?

Y
Yeah, he wanted to flay them and make a women-skin
coat.

X
That is just sick!

Y
Yeah.

X
Killing for the sake of fashion.

Y
Aye.

X
Not even eating them! Criminal.

Y
Well exactly, I feel the skin looks better on the
woman.

X
Yeah. To be honest I have thought of giving up
recently. Mind, not cos some liberal says it’s
‘cruel’. Just, you’re bound to get caught in the end
aren’t you?

Y
Oh aye. The problems I used to have getting rid of
the bones.

X
Well that’s my trouble now. And not just the bones.

Y
No?

X
Well you were lucky, I’ve never liked liver.

Y
No.

X
Biggest organ in the bastard body that is.

Y
I thought you used to burn them.

X
Gateshead smokeless fuel laws buggered that up.

Y
What about your allotment?

X
Full to bursting. Mind, that’s the only way to get
show quality leeks. Nah, I’ll have to quit. How did
you give up then, if you still like the taste so much?

Y
Well, actually, I do have a secret…

(Put on a ‘voice over’ voice and address the audience
directly for this bit – or actually have it as an off
stage voice over.)

Yes, my secret is cani-quorn, the new meat-free
alternative to bloody human flesh.


X
Yes, if you enjoy cannibalism, but don’t like
spending years in institutions for the criminally
insane, - then choose cani-quorn.

Y
Cani-quorn all the taste of human flesh, and only half
the calories.


end
-this is actually a short version- another way to end
it is to have them complain about the quality of the
meat - full of drugs/ they're all on the dole-
cramped housing (think veal) no excercise etc. then
one says he complained to his MP and got a letter
back-
"Dear sir, while we are sympathetic to your cause we
will not be making these views official policy in the
near future. PS. I wouldn't eat a geordie if he was
glazed in honey." end.