Through the time hole with Lord Caruthers-Worthington.

Here's a bit of what I did last Tuesday- It's a character I'm working on for a radio competition I might go in for...

"Good evening ladies and gentlemen. I am lord Caruthers-Worthington and I come to you from the year 1843, Yes, I am a time master. and let me tell you how I came to be so. For years I have pondered the mysteries of time, hoping to know something of my own origins, for I was an orphan.

I was raised by nuns in the jungles of india. For they were feral nuns, lost in the jungle while converting the natives, they were raised by apes. In fact it was hard to be sure they were nuns, as they were completely naked and swinging from tree to tree.

The confusion was futher compounded by the fact that the gorillas had, themselves, been raised by rabits. There can be no more pitiful sight than a 400lb silverback mountain gorilla, startled by a tiny fox, attempting to flee down a 3 inch hole. Such was my upbringing.

But soon I learned something of my origins. On my 18th birthday I recieved a letter. Only 20 years later, as my 40th birthday approached I had mastered sufficient English to read it. This letter gave me a new name, the name Lord Caruthers-Worthington. This was a better name than the one the nuns had given me - Sister Maria Teresa, and was a vast improvement on the name the gorillas had given me - flopsy.

Also I learned that I was an Englishman and had therefore, figuratively speaking, won the lottery of life. Coincidently I had also won the actual lottery of life, and had gained a small fortune.

Returning to London I spent my time and my fortune trying to unravel the secrets of time travel. I longed to go to the past, find my parents and know my origins. After years of searching I found the secret, and, using a mixture of science, black magic and the mother of all laxatives, I managed to force open one of the universes time holes... "

Thrillin' aint it.

NEXT GIG:
TUESDAY LONG LIVE COMEDY AT THE DOG AND PARROT

Gig 40, 41 - and the PODCAST!!!

Well another week without a new entry but this one is a doozy.

First - gig 40 was in Scunthorpe, promoted by 'the other side' who also organised last week's Scarborough gig. I had a strong start, a dodgy middle and won them back again at the end with the Monkey song. We also met Mitch Ben, guitar maestro on 'The Now Show' - who's great in real life, i.e. when he's not restricted to songs about one week's news and can spread himself a bit, for more on that see Al's Blog.

Gig 41 was Tuesday's LLC- see the site for that, though it's been playing up, so at the moment there are two copies of the review and no 'coming next week' page. I'll talk about that more tomorrow too.

And now the real excitement. I now have.... a podcast site. Just go to;

www.peterthompson.podomatic.com

or click the link. At the moment there is just one entry, me at the 'beat the frog' show in Manchester. I don't know how often I'll update it, especially since owing to compatability problems I have to record stuff on my recorder, go to my Mam's, download to their PC, e-mail to my Mac, play it on the mac, while recording it again in realtime with wiretap, send the wiretap file to I-tunes, convert to mp3 in I-tunes, upload to the podcast site. So unless I find a way to take a few steps out of that I wont be posting very often. Still, you can subscribe so when I do get my arse in gear the result is sent to you automatically. Technology eh?

NEXT GIG:
TUESDAY LONG LIVE COMEDY AT THE DOG AND PARROT.

Gig 39.

A great LLC last night. We had Dynamite Dan, who we only realised after sticking him on first, is a pro who usually gets paid. So he joins the ranks of those we're lucky to get. He'll hopefully be back to headline at some point. Although it actually worked well, amateurs that we are, we're only just realising that the first act being good is as important as a good headliner.

We also had the sketch group Belly Rub, with Tom Mitchell who's done stand up at the LLC before. Following a drop out they had free reign over the whole middle section and it worked really well, made a great change and has certainly made me consider going back to the sketch format occasionally.

I was pleased with my own stuff too- basically a rant against low lactose milk, especially when targeted at cats- which went over really well. I wouldn't normally count so short an appearance as a 'gig' but as I compered the last section, including the competition I was on stage for a while. Despite being a little drunk I think I was entertaining enough. At one point I dropped a competition entry and when Al helpfully pointed out 'It's behind you.' I was still sharp enough to follow it with 'it's usually December before you here that on stage.' It's not the best come-back in the world but, sod it, I'm counting that as gig 39.

Anyway, for a whole review check out the site.

On the downside, the Royalty gig in Sunderland never happened. It actually starts next week, but after the confusion I'm not sure when I'll be on.

So,

NEXT GIG.

LLC TUESDAY.

Gig 38. Give 'em a chance.

A nice show in Scarborough last night. It's amazing how in these sleepy little seaside towns there are at least 100 people willing to pay 6 pounds and troop to the basement room of one of the myriad hotels and watch comedy. Maybe there's so little to do that when the occasional oasis of culture comes along everyone flocks to it. I think we're spoiled in Newcastle, there's so much to do that there's no sense of urgency, and in the end people probably see a lot less than the apparently culture starved citizens of Scarborough.

Anyway, perfomance wise I was a little lacklustre. My gong winning set went over fairly weakly - so back down to earth for me. But everyone's loving the Jabba the hut joke at the moment and after that the sci-fi them was popular and by the time I ended on the 'Planet of the Apes' song I'd won them back a bit, so not too shabby after all.

I may be imagining it, but I think the audience would have responded better if they'd had more faith in me. I think I'm going to have to ask the comperes not to stress the 'they're new so don't expect too much' angle. I used to be grateful of this but I think my act is OK now, and I'd rather have the audience expecting me to be good. I suppose the idea is that if you're bad they're prepared and if you are good they're pleasantly surprised. But sometimes it seems they only click after the first 5 minutes, slowly realising 'oh, he's OK' right I'd better start enjoying this rather than politely tolerating it.'

Come along to the LLC tonight, we've got some new acts, so lots of love, give 'em a chance...

NEXT GIGS-
-TUES 19TH, LONG LIVE COMEDY, DOG AND PARROT- BACK AFTER THE CANCELLED SHOW LAST TIME.
-WED 20TH, THE ROYALTY, SUNDERLAND.

Prep. for gig 38.

Ooh, where's me Laurels? Ooh look, I'm resting on 'em.

Well, only 2 posts last week, I will attempt to get a full week in sometime. Today's entry is my notes as I work out a 10 minute set for tonight's gig. It will be based around the 5 minute set I did for beat the frog, a. because it was good. and b. because the line-up looks pretty good already, and I may get there and find I've only got 5. (If I get there to find I am not on at all I will throw Al in the stinking Scarborough sea and drive home.)

For my notes, here's what's in that 5.

shirt-vincel-good summer-goths-austrailia-ve haf been.-swearing in adds xxxx-Whole grain-GM food-brunel school-big issue-cyborg-jabba.

I could extend it by continuing the sci-fi theme and going into my 'Planet of the Apes' bit and ending on a song. I can now take the low-fi approach as I have added a strap to my acoustic guitar (liquid nails and string- If you think this looks shit wait till you hear the song.) hopefully that will sound Ok just picked up by the mic.

Right, I'll just try that and see how long it adds...

...another 5 minutes. Hmm, I was thinking I'd still need to add a bit at the start too, but that's it. Oh well, here goes nuttin'.

NEXT GIGS-
-MON 18TH, SCARBOUROUGH.-Mirth Control with,
AL DAWES.
Jim Jeffries.
Die Clatterschenkensfietermaus
MC-Jon Reed

-TUES 19TH, LONG LIVE COMEDY, DOG AND PARROT- BACK AFTER THE CANCELLED SHOW LAST TIME.
-WED 20TH, THE ROYALTY, SUNDERLAND.

Gig 37. I am the Champions!

Whoo (and indeed) Hoo! I finally got out of my bad gigs rut with a corker. I went to 'Beat the Frog' a gong show at Manchester's Frog and Bucket comedy club, and only blummin' won.

I've had bad experiences at gong shows in the past, well twice at the Middlesborough one, but we'd been assured it was a good one. Unfortunately we didn't know if it was good in the 'they give you a chance and appreciate good comedy' sense, or in the more negative sense of good as in 'this'll teach you what a tough crowd really is'. Luckily, it turned out to be the former. They were a great crowd, giving every thing a fair chance, they even let people falter a bit, and they only got the gong if they kept on faltering.

That said, I think I can be justly proud of my superb* set. Even bits of filler and introduction were getting laughs, for example I talked about my shirt 'this is a genuine 70's shirt, my grandfather wore it in Torremolinos 1976.' I don't think this is a joke as such, just the set up for another bit, but it still got a decent laugh. Towards the end the crowd were oddly quiet, which would have freaked me out at the start - but they were still laughing in the right places. It seemed it was just that everyone was now actually listening to me properly.

Al had a brilliant gig as well and was the clear second place, in fact after his set I told him simply 'That was a masterclass.' (in a voice which was a lot more wanky than I realised at the time.)

But before I get too carried away, someone does win this every week - it's not the Perrier. (or whatever it's called now.) And a lot of Manchester comics do it regularly as a forum for new material. So maybe it's not that notable that Al and I can swan down and dominate it by doing our best stufff.

Still, I'm quite chuffed.

*Not my words, the opinion of the Beat the Frog website. Also, I was more surprised than anyone to see my face does that.

NEXT GIGS-
-MON 18TH, SCARBOUROUGH.
-TUES 19TH, LONG LIVE COMEDY, DOG AND PARROT- BACK AFTER THE CANCELLED SHOW LAST TIME.
-WED 20TH, THE ROYALTY, SUNDERLAND.

The Da Vinci Load.

FIRST- LONG LIVE COMEDY IS CANCELLED THIS WEEK FOLLOWING A DOUBLE BOOKING COCK UP.

"The new entrance to the Paris Louvre has become almost as famous as the museum itself. The controversial neomodern glass pyramid designed by Chinese-born American architect I.M. Pei still evokes scorn from traditionalists who feel it destroys the dignity of the Renaissance courtyard."

These words, you might think, come from a Paris guidebook. But no, that's where they belong but this is actually the point where I gave up reading the Da Vinci Code. In Dan Brown's stupid world this is what passes for intelligent writing- i.e. including as many irrellevant and atmosphere ruining facts as you can to show you did some research.

He writes as if he was going to be tested on it, like his editor might say -'It's not a bad story Brown, but have you done any swatting? Put in a few quotes so the examiners know you've read the rough guide to Paris.'

I HATE this kind of writing! The worst example ever is 'Timeline' by Michael 'Jurassic Park' Chriton. It's a time travel story which mostly happens in 14th Century France. He actually includes a bibliography to show all the books he ignored. He ignored dozens of clever physics books, which told him time travel is impossible. He also scoured history books and ignored everything except the parts which allowed him to have huge explosions. Yes, in 14th century france he managed to include two huge explosions, one gunpowder dump (fair enough) and one mill, based on him reading that in certain circumstances, possibly, if the conditions are just right, flour dust can be mildly explosive.

I did actually finish this book, as I wanted to see why the evil billionaire was sending scientists back to study the 14th century castle. Was he planning to go back with machine guns and steal all of the world's gold from idiots with swords? Would he plant a false historical trail making him king? Would he put 1 franc in the first bank to open and then withdraw it again in 1999 with 600 years of interest- making him the richest person on earth?

Nope - he actually wanted his scientists to study the castle, so -get this- he could build a perfect replica, more detailed than any restored castle ever! People would flock to see such a superbly restored castle and they would spend a lot of money in gift shops and hotels. Gift shops and hotels which the evil billionaire had shrewdly bought up. Mwaa ha ha ha!

Da Vinci is rubbish anyway. They say he invented the helicopter. No he didn't. He drew a doodle of a helicopter. He never built it and if he had it wouldn't have worked. It was powered by 4 blokes walking round in a circle for christ's sake! Show me the dictionary where the definition of 'invent' is 'to originate a new machine by drawing a vague scribble of a prototype which is obviously doomed to fail.'

NEXT GIGS-
-MONDAY, BEAT THE FROG, MANCHESTER.
-LONG LIVE COMEDY, DOG AND PARROT- BACK ON THE 19TH SEP.

The Knockers on the Lockers.

(To be sung in a music-hall stylee, possibly with actions.)

Yesterday I went to my local swimming pool,
I noticed a new feature, I thought was rather cool,
On all the little boxes where you store your shoes and clothes,
Are great big brass door knockers, and now everybody knows...

They have knockers on the lockers at the local swimming pool,
They have knockers on the lockers at the local swimming pool,
They have knockers on the lockers at the local swimming pool,
They have knockers on the lockers at the local swimming pool.

Some of the female swimmers don't think that they are cool,
they tend to laugh and point and sneer and jeer and ridicule.
They say, 'Knockers on the lockers, we simply can't abide,
What use is a knocker when there is no one inside?'

They're the knockers of the knockers on the lockers at pool,
They're the knockers of the knockers on the lockers at pool,
They're the knockers of the knockers on the lockers at pool,
They put the mockers on the knockers on the lockers at pool.

Judge not, lest ye be judged, so the bible say.
As they had judged the lockers, they were judged themselves that day,
I looked to see a flaw in them, which I could tear to bits,
And noticed that each one of them had tiny thurpenny bits.

They've no knockers have the knockers of the knockers on the lockers,
They've no knockers have the knockers of the knockers on the lockers,
They've no knockers have the knockers of the knockers on the lockers,
On the lockers at the local swimming pool.

NEXT GIGS-
-MONDAY, BEAT THE FROG, MANCHESTER.
-TUESDAY AT THE DOG AND PARROT - IT'S EVERY WEEK NOW, REMEMBER? CHECK THE LINK TO LONG LIVE COMEDY.

Consumer society.

It's hard not to admit we are a stupid consumer society when you see the crap companies produce and someone, apparently, buys. Al Dawes told me they have finally brought out the 5 bladed razor, which I won't dwell on as we both agreed it will be in every hack comedian's repertoire by now.

On the side of my milk cartons I've noticed a money-off voucher for, get this, low lactose milk for lactose intolerant... cats. Now I'm sorry, but if a cat doesn't like milk it can Fuzz*. Right. Off.

Meow, can I have a bit of milky wilky pwease? But low lactose - I have a very dewicate tummy. And I saw some mice here earlier, do you think you could shave them? The fur aggravates my asthma.

People don't even understand why they are buying this stuff. Can anyone explain to me what's good about 'whole grain'? I predict that by this time next year one of the cereal companies will be saying 'Most cereals are made from whole grain - but we use only the best part of the grain, and we throw the rest away!'

Why do we just assume 'whole grain' is better? We don't assume 'whole pig' is better. 'Walls use only the whole pig in our sausages- brains, snout, trotters - you get every bit of the porky goodness.'

The 'proof' on why 'whole grain' is good is so tenuous too - the ads just say, 'People who eat whole grain tend to have healthy hearts.' It's a bit vague isn't it? So that study was basically;

Excuse me sir, do you eat whole grain?

Er, yes.

And do you have a healthy heart?

I, erm..

Well, you're walking about so it must be working. You don't have any shooting pains in your arm do you? No, right so Whole grain- tic, healthy heart -tic.

So it doesn't necessarily represent a scientific survey - but even so we still have the word 'tend' in there - 'People who eat whole grain tend to have healthy hearts.' Not all of them do, so someone actually keeled over before they got to the end of the questionnaire.

*The blogger spell checker doesn't know any rude words. - It actually first changed it to Fuji.

NEXT GIGS-
-MONDAY, BEAT THE FROG, MANCHESTER.
-TUESDAY AT THE DOG AND PARROT - IT'S EVERY WEEK NOW, REMEMBER? CHECK THE LINK TO LONG LIVE COMEDY.

Gig 36. Manchester music mess.

Gig 36 was the trip to Manchester and was a stinker. I haven't had a really good gig in ages, I have had the excuse that I was busy and just doing odd bits to fill time at the LLC. But now I'm not so busy and need to start working on stuff again- I don't want to be on a stage unless I'm 80% sure the material is going to work.

I was trying out all my musical bits which can fit into the stand up - as opposed to my musical character bits (which are probably stronger.) It was a tough crowd, mainly because a group of women just would not shut up. Callum had done about the best just by keeping them under control, and when the headliner went on it descended into chaos. Rather than just do his set over them, he wouldn't proceed until they shut up, and they didn't - so it became a shouting match between one table and the stage and eventually the night was wrapped up early.

Not an easy gig under any circumstances, and certainly not a gig to try out largely untested musical material where I'm also worrying about getting the amp at the right volume, the mic stand in the right place and the notes in the right order.

Ho hum.

-TUESDAY AT THE DOG AND PARROT - IT'S EVERY WEEK NOW, REMEMBER? CHECK THE LINK TO THE LONGLIVECOMEDY