Making movies.

In an effort to put another string to my hilarious comedy bow, next year I'm going to make a film. Technically, finish a film as we did some last year, but the tape's been sitting doing nothing so far. But thanks to 'Video in Language teaching 2' - part of my MA course, I'll be let loose with a load of digital editing equipment.

The film's in the proud tradition of the mockumentary (That Peter Kay thing, People like us, and -genuflect now- Spinal Tap.) It's about a rural commune of artists, which is a great premise because because you can do anything. Got a funny song you want to put in?- make a character who's a funny singer. Got a not very funny poem you want to put in?- make a character who thinks he's an amazingly witty poet.

The last outing was a drive to Keilder sculpture park. The team were me and Rich and Chris as director- he's worked on and off in the film industry for about 6 years -on: whenever he can get a job on a crew, then off: back to temping at the ministry.
The location wasn't great as I'd confused Keilder with another sculpture park in the lake district. Keilder does have sculptures- but they're not exactly in a park- they're dotted around the reservoir at half-mile intervals. The plan was to do some prepared stuff and use the sculptures as inspiration for some improvisation. See a sculpture, make up a costume from the random pile of clothes in the car, then talk about it as the artist- explaining its significance etc.

In the end we'd filmed:
Lord Hawthorn on the history of the park, starting it as a Safari park in the 60's as a tax dodge.
"The Tax matador they used to call me"

Unimpressed groundskeeper (Rich), giving his take on the events, including the fertility festival 'A celebration of Spring.'

"whey, it's not what I'd call art.. fowteen pottery cocks...in a jar? They wanna dee some real work,man!"

Fashion photographer Antonio (me) and Guispe, his muse (Rich) as camp as it's possible to get while using a broad yorkshire accent.

"We do all t'shows. Paris, Milano... they can't get enough of Guispe in Milano. Rome... Tadcaster. The lot."

Anyhoo, hopefully around easter we'll do a weekend shooting, put in a few more characters and get enough to knock it into a half hour show.

MY NEXT GIG:
NEW WORD ORDER'S
END OF YEAR/CHRISTMASBASH!
SUNDAY 18TH DECEMBER
THE BRIDGE HOTEL.

Comedy staples: ...and then I got off the bus!

Spoken word group New Word Order are having a Christmas party / gig. I'll be there doing a short set -7 minutes -ish, to show off the material I developed during their comedy workshops. Here's the e-mail they sent round:

"NEW WORD ORDER'S
END OF YEAR/CHRISTMASBASH!
SUNDAY 18TH DECEMBER
THE BRIDGE HOTEL, CASTLE GARTH, NEWCASTLE
7:30 for 8pm start!
£FREE!!
we'd like to invite all those who have graced our stage over the last 18months to come along and grace it again! Yes folks, we're gonna have a bit of a free for all! No running order, no set times, just come along and do ya thang! Bring your friends."

Yesterday I when I started talking about comedy staples / chestnuts, I said:

"By the way, this was all covered very well by Lee and Herring in a spot they called 'Lazy Comedy Whores.' - but I couldn't find a copy to cut and paste."

Well, I found one so today's lesson comes from the masters...


Stuart Lee: Comedians will never fail to surprise us with their inventive ways of doing the same pull back and reveal joke again and again. I will now demonstrate the And Then I Got Off The Bus joke.
(TURN TO CAMERA)

You know the other day I got so drunk. I woke up bare ass naked, sick all over me, I had a traffic cone stuck up my bum. I was in a state of priapic excitement ... and then I got off the bus aaaah.

Richard Herring: What? You were on a bus all along?

S That's right.

R I assumed you must have been at home on your own!

S No. I was on a bus.

R Wow! My expectations were confounded and from thence the humour arose!

S Indeed. Observe once more as I bewitch you all again. (TURN) The other day I was really badly constipated. I was straining away (GRUNT GRUNT) for about three hours, then finally I managed to release my bowel.... then I got off the bus.

R Ah ha! I thought you were in the toilet

S No! I was on a bus all along. (TURN) The other day I was indulging my own sexual pleasure in the sinful act of onanism. And then I got off the bus. Aaaaah.

R Yeah. That's happened to me a few times as well Stew. Embarrassing isn't it? I didn't want to get off the bus, but the police made me.

S Eh. I was joking?

R Oh. And me. Ha ha! Imagine that.

S Another good tip is to go aaah at the end of the phrase 'and then I got off the bus', as it gives the impression that you are moving on to a new piece of material, and flatters the audience by implying that they were clever to have spotted the joke so quickly.

R And then I got off the bus aaah. Right. Can I have a go Stew?

S No you messed it up last week...

R No, no, please...

S OK, go on.

R (TURN) I was on the bus the other day.

S I'm gonna have to stop you there.

R No, let me go with this Stu. I think I will confound you. (TURN) I was on the bus the other day, I got on at Balham, travelled two stops to Tooting, rang the bell... and then I got off the bus aaaah.. aaaaaah. Aaaaaaah. And then I got off the bus aaaaaah etc

S No. The fact you are on a bus has to be a surprise, in order to confound us. And the thing you're doing has to be something you couldn't imagine taking place on a bus.

R OK. OK I got it. I wasn't on the bus the other day. I was indulging in behaviour that you wouldn't expect in such a public place as a bus, because as I said I wasn't on a bus.... Then I got off the bus.Aaaaah. aaaaaah aaaaaah.

S No. For experienced scholars the And Then I Got Off The Bus joke doesn't even have to take place on a bus, it could be any public place... Other possible punchlines include - And then I was thrown out of the library aah, and then I got out of the toddlers' paddling pool aah, or the classic, and then I was sacked as head of the girls' boarding school biology department,aaah. That's right. I was one of the teachers!

R Wow! That was a double surprise! Brilliant!

MY NEXT GIG:
NEW WORD ORDER'S
END OF YEAR/CHRISTMASBASH!
SUNDAY 18TH DECEMBER
THE BRIDGE HOTEL.

Comedy staples: ...and that was the teachers!

Yesterday I said:
In the past I've tried to just copy the structure of jokes. It's an interesting exercise but I've not had any decent results yet.

As I'm on a comedy holiday and I've got nothing better to talk about, I thought I'd look at a few comedy staples. These are really just old jokes - but as the format rather than the content is re-used they masquerade as original material. Every comic should have try to come up with a few in each category- even if they don't end up using them on stage.

Today I'll look at :
'...and that was just the teachers.'

Format.
1. Set up the scene.
"At my school"
2. Describe negative behavior or speech.
"They used to call me specky."
(The audience assume this action is preformed by the pupils, students, prisoners, babies, animals etc.)
3. Reveal that the negative actions are performed by a typically respected archetype.
"And that was just the teachers."

Lets look at some examples;

The funniest Iranian comedian in the world, Omid Djalili;

'I was doing a gig in New York, and one guy said, 'You're Iranian? You come from Iran- and you're trying to make us laugh! Look buddy, we don't need your kind round here!' ...and that was just passport control.'

Chris Martin- London Comic, recently moved to Newcastle.

'When I said I was coming to Newcastle I was told it was great - 'You'll love it, the girls wear the shortest skirts, it's full of slappers... ' I said, 'Alright Dad, shut up, Mum's listening.'

I'll see if I can think of one by tomorrow- but I am on holiday so maybe not.

By the way, this was all covered very well by Lee and Herring in a spot they called 'Lazy Comedy Whores.' - but I couldn't find a copy to cut and paste.


MY NEXT GIG:
END OF JAN, POSSIBLY NEW STUFF AT THE EGYPT.
FEB, ANOTHER GO AT THE ROYALTY, SUNDERLAND- WITH THE SAME SET AS LAST TIME, BUT SLIMMED DOWN AND TOUGHENED UP.

Holidays.

John Scott's latest bulletin, as follows...

HERE IS THE NEWS.............................................
MACK 'EM LAUGH AT THE ROYALTY, SUNDERLAND WED DEC. 14.
COMPERE... SIMON DONALD OF VIZ MAGAZINE
HEADLINE ACT....MATT AND FARRON OF 1000 CITY JOBS MAGAZINE
SUPPORT... AL DAWES AND KEVIN SHEPPARD OF WHICH BRA MAGAZINE
 
THE EGYPT COTTAGE IS HAVING A WEE BREAK AND WILL RETURN ON THE THIRD MONDAY IN JANUARY.............PLUSPLUSPLUSPLUS........DONT FORGET THERE IS A CHRISTMAS COMEDY SPECIAL FEATURING GAV WEBSTER MATT REED AND JOHN SCOTT AT THE ROYALTY ON DEC>THE 28......PLUSPLUSPLUS ANOTHER AT THE MAGNESIA BANK IN NORTH SHIELDS FEATURING GAV WEBSTER AND JOHN SCOTT ON DEC>29

John also told me I could have another crack at the Royalty In February. And I'll informally try out any new stuff at the Egypt Cottage when it starts up again. So, unless anything else crops up, I'm on Holiday.

This is just as well as in real life I am supposed to be doing an MA and I've got 4 essays to finish by mid Jan. I think I'll also just relax the writing for now too. In the past I've tried to force myself to write in a mechanical way to get actual gags. Funny ideas I can do, and many of my favorite comics (eg, Eddie Izzard, Ross Noble) don't really write Jokes as such... But when you've only got 10 minutes on stage and no one's heard of you, you need actual punchlines to get laughs.

It's also true that some of my favorite comics do tell jokes.

"My first wife was so immature, get this, she would come into the bathroom while I was taking a bath, just storm in without knocking... and sink my boats."
Woody Allen.

"I wanted to do some DIY, hmm, yes, a bit of DIY, so I took out the step ladder, yeah? My step ladder, not my real ladder, I don't get on with my real ladder"
Harry Hill.

In the past I've tried to just copy the structure of jokes like these. It's an interesting excercise but I've not had any good results yet. My version of the woody Allen Joke came out as...

"Women are the weaker sex, you have to admit it. My wife can't even open jam jars. It's pathetic... we have to ask the guy upstairs to do it."

I'm still looking for another 'step ladder' but I haven't found it yet. Anyway, nothing I've come up with like this made it into the act - my best two 'gags' (Big Issue, Jabba) were totally spontaneous.

So, while I'm 'on holiday' I wont try to force it- I'll just make sure I ALWAYS have a notebook to hand and see what I've doodled in it by the end of Jan. And I'll be writing this blog too of course.

MY NEXT GIG:
END OF JAN, POSSIBLY NEW STUFF AT THE EGYPT.
FEB, ANOTHER GO AT THE ROYALTY, SUNDERLAND- WITH THE SAME SET AS LAST TIME, BUT SLIMMED DOWN AND TOUGHENED UP.

I must, I must, I must improve...

I finally forced myself to listen to the Sunderland tape to see how bad it really was. Not as bad as I'd originally feared. Most things still got a laugh- though small, and on a few occasions mostly down to Stu -(Soundman and comic in his own right)- who kindly laughs even when he's heard the routine twice.

However, there was a lot of hesitation- listening back there are some ludicrous long gaps between things. And, even though I said I wasn't aware I was fiddling with the mic stand, there I am on tape actually saying 'Sorry... I'm fiddling with this to an outrageous level.'

I was slightly cheered up by the fact that the same routine had gone over well at Egypt Cottage, -well enough for John Scott and Vladimir McTavish to come over and congratulate me as soon as I stepped off the stage, and John offered me the Sunderland gig so he clearly expected me to do ok there.

So, I've come to the conclusion that the material is still OK. I've just got to try it again with more confidence.

Here's my plans for the coming weeks;

1. Get another gig ASAP and try again.

2. Edit my main routine from 15 minutes to 10.

3. Wear my glasses onstage next time.
I had preferred to see the audience as a blurry mass, but this doesn't inspire confidence. I will look them sternly in the eye and make them wilt.

4. Writing.
I've got two routines now- the one ending with Planet of the Apes, and my cowboy character which I can do for variation if I end up playing the same venue twice in a row. Rather than add new bits to these when I think of them, I'll concentrate on honing the material- taking out rather than adding. I'll put the new stuff into a 5-7 minute slot and try it at a low-pressure gig, probably the Egypt.

NEW IDEAS. (In very early stages.)

I had an idea about king kong (I will be the best comedian at ape based films.) - how it's basically a love story about the bond between a normal sized human lady and a gigantic male ape. Something about whether it's possible to give a sympathetic portrayal of such a complex relationship in a movie, comparing it to, say, 'The Crying Game.' Or just the difficulty of making a relationship work - 'you have to be prepared for compromise' etc. The obvious sexual incompatibility is an issue too, but I don't think I want to go there.

Silks and Spices - this is what explorers always bring back. Why? To impress girls. 'Put your frock on love, were going for a curry.' -Maybe in a longer bit about the new world etc.

I also noticed how long it takes between getting a metro ticket form a machine and your change coming. It's like the machine is hoping you'll forget and walk off, but then grudgingly coughs up -'Alreet, tak' it ya tight bastard, it's arnly 20p'

MY NEXT GIG:
LORD KNOWS- I MAY NEVER WORK AGAIN.

Gigs to date.

Just to get things up to date before I get confused

Gig10- Was at Engima- my second go at something like solo stand up- I ended up just taking the chronicle onstage and talking about the coverage of the New Orleans Hurricane (Page 5)-dead Americans and a storm in Newcastle (Front page)-soggy Geordies. I picked it up as research but it was so funny I basically just read it out. eg. One of the Firemen said "It's the worst flood I've ever seen, it was coming over the top of our boots."

Gig 11- Was the triumphant return to the Dog and Parrot as Slam winners. Rich came and we did-
1. The 'My dog's got no nose' poem- but Rich forgot to put on the scary voice which makes it work.
2. The Cowboy song.
3. The heaven sketch.
4. The poem using all the 2 letter words in scrabble (it, id, ax, ox, etc.)
This had been my victory piece on the night I won the slam- but it worked better now as it was actually finished, and I'd made cards with the words to get the point across a bit more. - Actually I had them the first time as well, but reading the poem and holding the cards up at the right time was tricky and I kept getting them mixed and having to back track. 'A poetry Tommy Cooper' someone said. Now Rich was holding up the cards. As often happens, the best bits were unintentional. Rich made a great fuss over getting the mic. in the right place, and after helping him a while I remembered he wouldn't be saying anything. Then the mic, which we set up anyway, started to swing slowly away from him towards me- as if drawn by a magnet. The biggest laugh was when Rich managed to get the cards mixed up and I said dispairingly 'a monkey could do it.'

Here's the review from NWO's website.

"Peter Thompson, last month's Slam winner did a very long God sketch, an endearing country song parody and a stunningly inventive scrabble poem."

That's right 'stunningly inventive' -oh yes! And 'long'.

Gig 12. Was my first one at Egypt Cottage- see Nov 23.
Gig 13. -unlucky 13 was the night at Egypt Cottage when I forgot my song lyrics - spooky.

So that means last night in Sunderland was 14- See next entry.


MY NEXT GIG:
LORD KNOWS- I MAY NEVER WORK AGAIN.

Don't fiddle with the mic. stand. gig 14.

Oh dear. Last night in Sunderland I really bombed.

The night / venue is definately the best of the few low level places I've done. Lots of people and all of them up for it. It's just next to Sunderland Uni, and there's a big banner on the side of the pub so it's well advertised. So to die at this place was doubly bad.

It wasn't a total loss- I finished on the Planet of the Apes song, which went well, everyone loves a comic song about monkeys - so possibly it's this positive image that people will remember. Though probably the overall impression would be 'a bit shit, but he does a good monkey song at the end.

However, this isn't a case of having to go back to the drawing board and start again. It seems there was a clear reason why a lot of the act was met with silence, and even the guaranteed big laughs just raised a chuckle.

I never stopped fiddling with the Mic stand.

It may sound unlikely. You may think I am blaming my terminal unfuniness on a small technical glich. But evidence suggests that for almost my entire set the principle thought of the audience was not my words, tone or expressions but- 'Why won't he stop fiddling with the fucking mic stand!'

It was the first thing my brother mentioned when I sat back at our table. It was the first thing my wife mentioned. It was the first thing Callum Cramb (just in the audience this week) mentioned. The first thing some random bald bloke said was 'that would have been great if you hadn't been fiddling with the mic stand'. It was very nearly the first thing compare Matt Reid mentioned after the break.

I didn't even know I was doing it. I did it deliberately first because I have a bit about different mic stand styles -(which is not really working anyway) but I must have just kept fiddling. Oh well. This was the first time I recorded the gig- to see what did or didn't work, but the process is pretty pointless now as the whole thing was sabotaged by my mic fiddling. Rather than hone and edit the routine I'll just have to try it again somewhere minus fiddling.

One bit worth mentioning- as I brought my tape recorder I aslo used it in the act. In my C3P0 / Jabba the Hutt bit I don't really do the voices justice. But my tape recorder has a speed control. So I stopped recording after that bit, rewound, and played it back with the speed fast on C3P0 and slow on Jabba, holding the speaker to the mic. It really works, though I'll have to explain it a bit more- some people seemed to think it was just a pre-recorded tape with the effects on already, this seems a bit desparate and wanky - whereas replaying the actual thing you've just said and manually creating sound fx seems 'stunningly inventive' -which is famously what I am.

Well, at least I can fix my act. If everyone had said 'you're not funny' I'd have a problem. But from now on I just have to avoid touching the mic stand.

TOP TIP: DON'T FIDDLE WITH THE MIC STAND.

To stuff or not to stuff?

Well, according to the last e-newsmailthingy from John Scott, the Monday nights at Egypt Cottage are safe for now. And I quote...

The horses mouth comedy club is alive and well and now residing at the Egypt cottage every monday night.......The show features all the same as before but now with sparkly lights and a slightly higher stage............Regulars include John Scott, Gavin Webster, Simon Donald, Al Dawes, Alex Collier, Callum Cramb,Joby,Pete Thompson,Chris Martin and more.................
 A BIG thanx to Al Dawes For bringing down his homies.
 
MACK EM LAUGH AT THE ROYALTY WED 7 DEC
 
Headline act. Dave Ingram
Supports. Pete Thompson.Sarha Millican.Chris Martin......
Compere.The slick and sick Matt Reed.............

Notice my name there? Up there in type. So today I'm just polishing the act- making sure I know the words in the song bit, and wondering what to add to bring it up to my alloted 15 minutes. Luckily they're not super strict- I think they'd rather I did 13 and didn't have too many lulls than stick in a load of filler. Supposedly some clubs- especially London- praise timekeeping more than gags. So if they ask for 5 mins. the dull guy who comes off stage at 4.58 will get re-booked over the guy who has them howling for 4.15. The guy who does an encore, because the crowd are screaming for more, never works again.

So, I'll have a couple of minutes leeway, if it's going well I might put in a few things I've had on the shelf for a bit. Like my idea for Cannibal Quorn.

I was also working on a bit about my dad (well, a dad, -my dad doesn't actually do this) who has the old man's habit of semi-singing/ humming "bom, bom, ba, bom, bom bom." I thought it would be funny as even Grandfathers now were growing up in the 60's and 70's so they might "bom" some pretty cool tunes, Led Zep riffs, for example. Unfortunately its really hard to get across- It's hard to 'bom' at random and then remember the tune when you have to. Maybe I can fit it in, it doesn't have much of a climax but it's fun to start it by saying 'You do funny things when you get older - my Dad's become a bomber... no, I don't mean...'

MY NEXT GIG:
THE ROYALTY PUB, SUNDERLAND. WED 7th DEC. I'LL BE DOING THE OPENING SLOT AT ABOUT 8.30.

Winter lull?

It seems the cold dark nights are keeping folk in. No one wants to walk through the rain to see amateur comedians, they'd rather stay home and watch professionals on television. Lazy bastards!

Another low turn out at the Egypt Cottage on Monday - although a different 6 people this time, part of a rugby team. Next week I'll expect 6 ballerinas then 6 clowns- if only they'd all come for one show a month we'd have a respectable crowd. John considered shelving it and re-starting in January - possibly at a venue a bit closer to the town centre- I suggest the Bridge Hotel. But it seems it'll be on again next week at least.

A brief rundown. - I arrived late and Al Daws was on stage - he's getting slicker every time, as he gets more material and can drop the thinner stuff - he's getting so every third line or so is a decent gag.

I did my cowboy bit - I was hoping to try out this as a first or second spot, no pressure cos it's unpaid and under-rehearsed, but as I was late I started the second half - and forgot my second song halfway through. Should have got out while the going was good.

Joby- the 16 year old wonder kid, is doing great. Of course, he gets away with things others wouldn't (what other comic would get a cheer with the line 'I lost my virginity last week') - but he's genuinely good.

Callum Cramb finished off. He was trying to prove himself as a compare by riffing on stories from the metro. It would have worked- if he was comparing- but as the last act of the night, Callum saying 'hang on, there's another one in here' while he looked for the right page wasn't quite enough.

So maybe we've got ourselves to blame when there's only 6 punters in. Between me forgetting songs, and the final act being a guy talking us through the paper it wasn't exactly a glittering show-biz occasion. (and I just remembered, there was another newcomer on who seemed to have got most of his act by opening his christmas crackers early.)

On the other hand- we do need somewhere to try out new stuff, keep sharp when we don't have any other gigs and just stay in touch with other comics. I'd meant to keep Monday nights at the Egypt, as a casual gig- go along every week for a pint and a chat and maybe do 5 minutes if I had something new I wanted to try. So maybe we should keep it going, not as a 'real' gig, but just a place to get comics off the streets.

MY NEXT GIG:
THE ROYALTY PUB, SUNDERLAND. WED 7th DEC. I'LL BE DOING THE OPENING SLOT AT ABOUT 8.30.

Gig 9. BBC New Comedy Heats.

Gig 9 (Sep. 12th) -Our big chance. The BBC new comedy awards Sheffield Heat. Woo-hoo! The ruling had come through and I was allowed to enter with rich doing the Heaven sketch - even though I'd got through on the strength of a tape of me alone doing the Cowboy song. Well, going on a hunch (possibly based on the notion I might wee myself and cry if I went on stage alone) I threw caution to the wind and went for the sketch. -Caution, and the bit about 'we strongly recommend you do the material on your audition tape'

Was it the right choice? Well, we'll never know- as we were scuppered by problems other than our material. In going all out to make it as professional as possible we'd bought some clip on mics. Not fancy radio mics, just a little clip on and a long thin lead. These would allow us to move about naturally- do the business with the props etc. We also had an intro CD of heavenly, gregorian chant type music- (Me going 'Ahhhh' over myself with loads of reverb) We had hoped to do a sound check to get it all sorted. We arrived early - seemingly before any other acts, or the BBC, or anyone who could let us in the room for a sound check. But in the interim we got hungry- went for dinner- and when we got back the place was packed, we'd missed our chance to sound check.

We were second last- so had to tolerate a night of enforced slow drinking and nerves. It was an impressive show, I thought there might be 1 or 2 contestants who were rubbish, maybe they'd managed to produce a good tape in their bedrooms but would lose it on stage,- but everyone was alright- and most were great. This put the pressure off- I knew I wouldn't feel cheated if we didn't get through, 3 of the 12 acts would go on and I even by the first half I'd seen at least 3 acts which could be winners.

The filter of a good tape seemed enough to keep out the real rubbish. I always enjoy local nights like the Chillingham arms (now defunct) -but there is usually at least one act where you laugh out of sympathy- but not too much in case they get the idea they're good at it and come back. Also if you see some local comedy every week then the better / established acts can also disappoint as you've seen at least some of their act before.

Considering the heat was in sheffield there were a lot of acts from Newcastle Me and Rich, Sara Millican (Who made the finals; Dec 12th- listen out on Radio 7) and at least 3 others.

So what happened to us? Well rich went on stage first in his toga and beard, and plugged in our special mics. I went on and our music started- well some music started, some girly chart pop if I remember rightly, then after a few seconds the sound man realized his mistake and our music started. The reason the sound man was so distracted was he was more concerned that he wasn't getting any signal from our mics. So we ploughed on- I thought the mics weren't working well- but it's often hard to tell on stage when the speakers are facing the audience- I tried to speak up as much as I could, and we were getting laughs, so some of the audience at least could hear us. But not those at the back- including the judge.

Oh well! I don't think we'd have won anyway - Sketches are really hard in a stand up situation- no one knows when they're finished, and it's since been reviewed simply as 'long'.

BACK TO THE PRESENT. EGYPT COTTAGE NEWCASTLE TONIGHT, I'LL BE THERE- MAINLY AS A PUNTER. THE ROYALTY PUB, SUNDERLAND WED. I'LL BE DOING THE OPENING SLOT AT ABOUT 8.30.

Gig 8. We're slammin'...

Gig 8 (Aug. 30th) was the slam at the Dog and Parrot, near the centre for life. The last Thursday of the month is New Word Order's spoken word night, including the slam. It's a competition in which everyone does a two minute poem or routine, and three random judges from the audience grade on audience reaction, content and performance. The winner does a paid 20 minutes the following month. As a lot of people were away for Edinburgh and Summer Hols, there were only 4 contestants, me and 3 poets.

As a concession to what is mainly a poetry event I'd written a poem based on the old 'my dog's got no nose joke' and that was my first round attempt.
They're pretty strict about the 2 minutes so I was cut off before the end, and I thought I was out - but, as there were only 4 contestants, only one was dismissed each round so I scraped through.

For the next part I did my cowboy song, without the usual introduction, and got through again.

I hadn't expected to get this far, so as I progressed my performance was getting more shambolic. For the last round I did the earliest form of my Planet of the Apes material- and spent what felt like 30 seconds trying to remember how the song started. Luckily the other finalist was leaving for London and, knowing he wouldn't be back next month, finished with a 3 line poem -too short to justify a win.

So I won! The victory round can be a longer piece and so I read a poem which attempted to use all the legal two letter words which can be used in Scrabble. I'd intended this for one of the earlier rounds but it quickly became clear it would be far too long.

This NWO night is certainly worth a look, but it can be an odd one. It's principally a poetry thing, but there are no rules or definition of 'poetry' so stand-up, sketches, performance poetry are all welcome - sort of. The thing is there can be a little hostility in the air when too many comics tip the balance and end up winning the slam every week. The truth is, comedy is just much more popular than poetry- even, it seems, among an audience who have apparently come to a poetry based event. I'm sure NWO would never go so far as to ban comedy from the slam- but unless they do it's always possible a very good poet might loose to a pretty mediocre comic- just because comedy is so much more accessible and instant.

One option might be to create a comedy slam elsewhere to lure the comics away. I've heard of plans for a local gong show. Where comics speak until the audience signal their displeasure with a flag or buzzer. The problem is as the audience gets more drunk they may think it hilarious to buzz a comic before they even say a word. The slam seems to be a much fairer way of doing competitive comedy.

Gigs 6 and 7.

As I've now started gigging again I thought I should get the gig reports up to date, so the only gig's I'll mention will be ones I've just done. So over the next few days I'll do a round up of all those I haven't yet mentioned.

While doing these occasional sketches I was also applying for any comedy competitions I saw and I learned I'd got through to the regional heats of the BBC's new comedy competition. I'd sent them a tape of my singing cowboy routine (see blog Nov 21st.) Now I had to practice like crazy to prepare for the heat in Sheffield in Sep.

Though the singing cowboy had got me a place, I wasn't sure if the heaven sketch (see blog Nov 4th.) wasn't a better bet. I asked the organizers if I could enter with Rich, and while awaiting their ruling tried to rehearse both.

Gig 6. This was part of a short lived monthly spot at Enigma, Carliol Sq. It was organized by Karl of New Word Order. I went along and did the cowboy routine- expanding it to 10 minutes by the addition of a second song - a religious country and western tune about how the Lord is watching us always, entitled 'Piss off Jesus.'

"Standing by my shoulder, watching over me..
Why don't you go and buy your own damn magazine."

Gig 7. Rich and I ran through the heaven sketch at the Chillingham Arms. We'd switched roles- I was now playing the wannabe pirate, now with a Welsh accent and we'd edited it a bit. We'd also invested in higher quality false beards. In rehearsals we even videoed it, which was very useful. There's part where I had to dance "I could have been cavorting wildly in a haze of marry-ju-ana" and only after I saw the video did I realize my movements had to be twice as exaggerated to be funny. The gig went OK'ish- but in hindsight probably not well enough to convince us it would give us a chance in the competition.