Crazy fool!

Still planning for our new concept middle section where the 3 of us (Callum, Al and myself) do 20 minutes of stuff together that is totally on the theme (Of Madness-1st of May.) All our notes will probably appear on the blogs in some form, so if you're a frequent reader it might spoil your enjoyment. Though it'll also be a nice, see the making of kind of effect too.

Anyway, here's something I've had here before, but rehashed into a style we can all perform.

AL.
Madness has been a staple of art and literature, for example, the criminally insane like Hannibal Lectur.

Pete.
(sucks in through his teeth) Thththth!

Cal.
Nice impression.

Pete.
What? Oh, sorry I'm just freezing over here.

AL.
Dicken's Miss Haversham, who after being jilted at the alter wears her wedding dress for 20 years, is one of only countless examples from great literature, other such classic potreyals include er... (Al tries to think of something else from great lierature)

Cal
Howling Mad Murdock!

AL.
Er. Yes. Howling Mad Murdock.

Pete.
Off of the A - team.

AL.
Actually, I'm not sure that counts.

Pete.
Course it counts. He was driven mad by the terrible things he saw in 'nam.

Cal.
It was the first time post traumatic stress disorder was discussed in a kids tea-time action drama.

Pete.
Ground breaking.

(Pete Plays the Theme as Callum sings.)

howling mad murdoc - totally crazy
because he had seen the horrors of war
he dropped nepalm on vietcong strong holds
and killed civilians by the score

(Pete peters out, as he doesn't know the middle 8, while Cal sings on..)

burning death
will fall upon you
like rain
and you know that it will...
take your face off.

(Pete joins in again with a final blast of guitar for the good bit. They stop singing.)

Cal
I wish I'd been in 'Nam.

Pete
Yeah, 'nam rocks!

Cal
Hi five for 'Nam!

AL.
Are you two finished? Anyway, he's not really THAT crazy, he's just a bit odd. He's still a fully functioning member of the A - team, which is quite a demanding role. It's not like they're ever coverting the van and he just manages to smear the word 'mother on the side in his own poo. He's just a bit weird. 'delightfully eccentric' murdoch would be a better name.

(Pete Plays the Theme as Callum sings.)
Delightfully eccentric Murdock-
In one episode he talked to a plant.
but he was still sane enough to fly helicopters
and take part in elaborate plans.

Hurry up.

I'm reading Michael Palin's diaries at the moment. God it's depressing. Not only was he younger than me when he started Python he was still younger than me when he finished the 3rd series. So I need to get going with something. We've been busy at LLC but mostly in organising gigs which for the most part give other people more exposure than us. I want to write or perform, not promote. Of course being a comedy promoter isn't a bad job, and if I thought we could get a living wage out of it I'd give it a go, but it seems highly unlikely. Perfroming comedy is a nice hobby. Setting up PA's and leafleting is not a nice hobby. So i need a creative project to do alongside it. But doing something big, like say writing and recordng a radio pilot, is pretty tough to do on your own. A few people have talked about collaborations, but too often the initial 'Yeah, good idea lets do that'-doesn't lead to any actual work.

-then again, I'm only complaining because i've generally only done 2 pages and then stopped myself.

Frogs and Toads.

A lovely hoppy little frog and a disgusting warty little toad.


Next week's LLC has the theme of frogs, because Callum has a sketch about tadpoles which we may be doing. I did actually discuss frogs as a possible topic before, but only in the sense of 'would having themes work? What about something as stupid as a whole night on Frogs?' But now it's actually happening.

I do think frogs and toads have a strange relationship. Nowhere else in the animal kingdom are there 2 species which are so similar, yet one is just, well, crap. Rhinos and hippos are pretty similar but they get equal respect. Imagine if as well as the giraffe, there was something almost exactly the same as a giraffe, but fatter, smellier and which walked by dragging it's hindlegs behind it. And if it licks you, you get leprosy. That's the comparison toads have to put up with. Frogs happily jump, toads crawl in a low suspicious manner. Frogs are smooth, toads are gnarled and bumpy. Frogs croak to attract a mate (and get to record with Paul Mcartney). Toads just emit noisy farts, having given up on finding that special someone.

This has gone into art and folklaw. Bad mushrooms are toad stools. Touching toads gives you warts, while touching frogs gives you a free makeover. Kiss a frog, he becomes a handsome prince, kiss a toad- warty lips. Anything toady is bad. The only exception to this trend is that delicious dish 'toad in the hole'. But I can't help thinking this is because people are relieved that it's really a sausage and not a horrid toad they're expected to eat. If it was called 'frog in the hole' they'd be disappointed when it turned out to be only sausage.

Gig 65. Ooh Ar!

Handsome baby faced Pete, after 3 hours in make-up, as rough and ruddy son of the soil Ned.

Gig 65, back at York and the Black Swan and like last time I took the opportunity to have another crack at a character which is fun to do, but not the sort of thing I'd want to concentrate on - or could get away with at most gigs. It went like this...

Hello ladies and gents. I'm Ned, Ned nineacres, and I'm a farmer by trade. I'm from Deavon, or Cornwall, or possibly even Zummerzet. I don't really know to be honest. I suggest you listen to the agsent and make up your own mind. (cough) I'll just wet moi whistle. Ooh lovely drop o cider that. An you have to keep lubricated, don't want the old pipes drying up while I'm on stage. Oh, that reminds me. James, jim boy - how long am I on for... 5 minutes, 5 minutes... roight I'd better have another pint o cider then. oh, thanks jim lad. Better safe than sorry eh?

Well, as I said I'm ned and I'm a farmer, but I've always been interested in music, ever since i saw that woodstock on telly. And i thought, well, I've got a bit o land, oil have some o that. Only trouble was I didn't have much wood to speak of. There ain't been any real timber on my land in years. But i did have a stack o sticks. So i put on stick stack stock. An very popular it was an all. People came from miles around to see stick stack stock. It was a bit muddy that weekend though. Some people got stuck. If I'm honest there's still a few people stuck at stick stack stock.

We had some great acts though. We 'ad the 'oo. Noice lads. Good music, but I weren't so keen on the lyrics. Like that pinball wizard. That deaf dumb and blind kid sure plays a mean pinball. The seemed amazed by that. But t the end of the day, it's just that ain't it. Just pressin' two buttons dead fast. I reacon i could do that just as well with me oise closed. I'm more impressed that he found his way to the arcade. there's a line in that song- 'he must play by sense of smell' -no lads, sense of touch, that's what he's usin' there. Of course the deaf, dumb and blind do compensate with an 'ighly developed sense of touch. If they bangs into a door they knows about it almost imediately.

...I had some bits about Hendrix and finished by doing songs, until I hit a phrase which sounded like Cider.

-When I've got better things on the other CIDER town.
-That wrigled and tickled and tickled in CIDER.
-Sit and drink Penny Royal Tea, distil the life that's in CIDER me.

Whereupon I would down a pint of the stuff.

I think this rather silly idea was the starting point for this character, but even though it's a good way to end it, it's not the funniest part of the routine. So still needs work, but this is probably one to pack away now and move on. But at least I have a recording which may be a podcast if it still sounds good when I review it in a few weeks.

Don't know if I mentioned it, but the podcast of my last York appearance is up- and you don't have to download it, just have a quick listen online if you want. See the link.

Gig 64. It's got culture coming out the wazoo!

I gave the producer character from the sit-com script another airing. I thought it would work better in a comedy night than it had at the experimental theatre gig. It didn't. With normal stand-up I'm always willing to admit a joke's no good if two audiences both don't like it. But I'm sticking to my guns here. I still think the scene is really funny, but it doesn't work. Maybe it's in a weird half-way house between comedy, drama and monologue and people don't know what to do with it. But I still thnk there are great lines in it. Basically it's a producer changing a show about Darwin into Indiana Jones.

That should work, people love monkeys! What d'ya mean, 'There were no monkeys in the Galapagos.' Well what the hell did he study? ...various species of finch! You expect me to go to a demanding audience with various species of finch! You gotta be outta your freakin' mind. Come on, what else ya got? ...giant tortoises? That could work. Now these tortoises, do they rampage at all?

...but in this case it seems my funny bone is not aligned with the general public. I still can't quite believe the following line didn't get a laugh...

That Mc Beth, is that not serious, is that not cultured? Sure it is, It's got culture coming out the wazoo!

Oh well- this was always going to be a one off, I wasn't about to adopt it as my new comedy persona, just a shame it didn't go out on a high.

Now showing in cell 4.

It's claimed that the victorians actually went to asylums as a form of entertainment.

Shall we go to the theatre tonight?

Nah, I'm sick of drama. Tell you what, lets go down the asylum and look at the nutters.

Alright? What's on?

Let's see. Bedlam asylum, Star wars, - a nutter attempts to start a fight with the big dipper. Cell 4, 8.30.

Seen it.

The Wild Bunch? They're quite wild, and there are a few of them so you get your money's worth.

Nah!

How about this, I was a teenage werewolf and Bride of Frankenstein.

Is that what I think it is?

A nutter who claims to have been a teenage werewolf and...

A nutter who claims to be the bride of frankenstein. No thanks.

Nutters in the rain? They sing and you get to hose them down until they stop.

Nah. Ooh, what about Hannibal the Cannibal?

Oh, It's rubbish. He sounds scary but he just talks about sheep and makes slurping noises.

What about that trendy independent asylum, is there anything on there?

Oh yes, all this week a nutter who claims to be Napoleon.

Well that sounds good.

Oh wait, it's all in French.

Well sod that, I'm not reading subtitles all night. If I wanted to read about nutters I could stay at home.

New / Old Podcast. The Return of the Living Ned.

Another podcast, actually just finally fixed one that's been there for ages, which I realised wasn't working at all. It's me at Cool Fun in Durham, and includes - A man called Snowball and my suggestions for improving sports. This was a great gig, but those hyper students do laugh at ANYTHING, and there are a few quite bizarre skreeches going on. But never make fun of people for laughing. That's kind of why you're there.

A busy week coming up, the weekly LLC on Tuesday, then the first Monthly on Thursday, and next week I'm in York at James Christopher's gig. Where I'm thinking of re-doing Ned Nineacres. He's the cider junkie who also gave Jimi Hendrix advice on his plums (Jimi was trying to grow them on an acid soil.) and in response to woodstock created stick stack stock. - As he didn't have much wood but did have a stack of sticks. (It's basically me pretending to be in the wurzels- yes I am cutting edge.) This is the sort of thing I can only do at gigs like york. I wouldn't do it again at the LLC, but it's too odd to risk doing at a normal gig, so it's nice to have a place where these little ideas can at least get a second outing.

Still trying to come up with 20 minutes of 'Madness' themed stuff for Cal, Al and myself to co-present / perform on the 1st of March. Nothing so far, so I'm going to have a coffee and when I come back I'll have a list of 10 ideas we might mention.

1. psychiatry / Freud.
2. Victorians going to assylums as entertainment.
3. The Monster Raving Loony Party.
4. David Ike.
5. UFO buffs.
6. Religious nutters.
7. Words for mad - nuts, fruitcake, doolally, one stick short of a bundle.
8. Amnesia.
9. Paranoia.
10. Famous Nutters.