Origin of the Species - The Musical.

DARWIN: So what do think?

DARWIN'S CHIMNEY SWEEP: Well I've read your book sir, and I have to say it was astounding! Amazing! Gor, just to think we are all descended from lower orders of animals, and we're developing into something even higher. And if there is a god, he operates outside the natural processes and therefore the lowliest creature has the same cosmic importance as me! It's gobsmacking, it's, it's...

DARWIN: In other words?

DARWIN'S CHIMNEY SWEEP: In other words, Mr. Darwin...


(Sprightly Musichall piano)

I'll be a monkey's uncle
A monkey was an uncle to me
Lord love a duck
it came as quite a shock
to find the lord loves his ducks as much as me.

Oh gor blimey
we're from the same stock as any slimy
thing what crawls out of the sea
they're essentially
the same as you and me.

Oh mr. drawin
at first i found your theories quite alarming
but now I think they're obvious and charming
you've made a world of difference to me

you see when I thought I'd been created
by a good and ever loving god
it made me wonder why me life was shit
and why I'm such a miserable sod.

knock me down with a feather
we're all in the same boat together
an' humans won't be around forever
slowly we're becoming something better

la la la...

(SONG CONTINUES, DARWIN AND SWEEP FROLICK AROUND DRAWING ROOM DOING COUNTRY DANCES AND IMITATING ANIMALS.)

The Universal.

Sometimes something being funny depends on the audience having the same points of reference as you. It's something you have to think about when doing a gig in another part of the country- will they get that in London / Edinburgh. Non of my material is especially regional, I don't talk about Geordies, Chavs or slag off Sunderland, so I'd be alright in most parts of the country. But if I ever get the chance to gig abroad it would get worse. Even if you're playing to the ex-pats who seek out places they can still get steak and chips and John Smiths, you still need to be aware of what they're out of touch with. Whoever won the 'so you think you're funny' got the chance to perform in Canada - and they probably had to rewrite their entire act. And possibly put on a different accent. I don't have an especially strong northern accent- some real 'Geordies' presume I'm a soft southern poof. But some Londoners still presume I'm Scots, so the Canadians would presumably guess I was Norwegian.

But even at home one can slip up by assuming 'everyone knows that!' I had a bit of material sink because I presumed everyone had heard the lyric 'where the corn is as high as an elephant's eye.' I think it's from Oklahoma, I don't know it that well myself, but I just assumed everyone would have heard of it before. Even when the material that flows doesn't depend on knowing this starting point, I think people still need it to go with you. In this case I went on to ask if this system is used to measure all crops in the American West

'I'd like some potatoes please.'
'Our potatoes are as large as the fist of a chimp!'

This didn't work- I think partly because people didn't understand the first step i'd taken to get there. (Though it's pretty weak too.) I'd say it's similar to my recent Star Wars stuff, but as people know Star Wars and Dickens, they understand the first part, are willing to make the jump to the second bit and go with the joke overall.

Anyway, I mention all this because I remembered talking of the practice of nearly pushing someone off a precipice (cliff, castle wall etc.)and saying 'Tell your mother I saved your life!' To my surprise this practice (or at least the use of the accompanying phrase)is not widely used throughout the North. I was waiting for the joyous lagugh which show the audience is thinking 'Oh god, yeah!' and it never came. Beware presuming everyone's childhood was the same as yours.

Podcast 6.

A new podcast is available- just click 'Peter's Podcast' in the link and you'll be whisked. There's a collection of new bits of stand up which I tried recently. This touches on; the outrageous claims of the advertisers of Cravendale milk; my days working at Fenwick department store; my presumptions on what comedian Don Moses' act was going to be and some twaddle about Star Wars, i.e. the entires of the last two days, but in glorious Dobly sound.

More space.

Continuing the theme of starwars names, which I would have put into yesterdays entry if I'd had time....

The Darth thing is weird too. When it was just Darth Vader that was fine, but since the new films we've got Darth Maul, Darth Sideous, Darth grievous... I think when you join the dark lords of the sith they just open the thesaurus at the 'evil' page and choose at random. So you're at the Sith graduation, you've completed all your exams - you've punched a baby in the face AND buggered a chicken (using only the power of the mind.) And the Emperor steps up.

"Ah, my dark appwentice. You have joined us on the dark side. I dub thee Darth... Naughty! Go, join your dark brothers, Darth mischievous and Darth pedophile."

-(I know these are getting shorter these days, but I have a job now.)

Gig 49. Space LLC.

A space themed LLC last night, so I ended up talking about star wars.

The names are daft aren't they? And because they are made into toys every character has a name, even when it's never mentioned in the film. The little beaky thing that sits next to Jabba the Hut and cackles is called Salacious Crumb. That's a bit grand isn't it. It's like something Dickens rejected before settling on Ebeneezer Scrooge. I think he should have gone with it...

"Salacious Crumb was a wicked old money lender, hated throughout the city for his meanness and cold heart, and because he was 2 feet high, only ever said 'EEEEEEEEEEH!' and went around with his best mate who was an enormous slug.
'A merry Christmas', said Bob Cratchet.
'EEEEEEEEEEH!' said Salacious Crumb.
'Mocha Chocka Lata Yaya' said Jabba, then some urchins poured salt on him."

gig 48. Children in Need (Gateshead.)

Sometimes I have to decide whether to count an appearance as an actual 'gig' or not. This is usually when I've done 2 minutes of introductions at the LLC and have to conclude it's not enough to count. Well this gig was 'not enough' but to discount it would be whitewashing over history. A pub in gateshead for a charity night, this was a tough gig. I feared it would be full of chavs- not quite that bad, but probably quite a few parent of chavs. They were friendly enough - no direct agressive heckles, but just didn't seem to go with anytthing, and too big a proportion weren't taking any notice at all. I couldn't believe how, even with the last act who was a great Irish comic who was also playing the hyena that night, people just weren't taking any notice. I watched the guy for the first 30 seconds, and you just know- this guy's good, whatever he says is going to be worth listening to. But most of the Park Lane regulars didn't agree. Oddly, even people who were apparently engrossed one minute would be chatting with their mates the next.

I've always felt you get out what you put in. I know not everyone gets this. I have a friend from school and uni who should have been my partner in a great band, but could never be arsed. But these people haven't grasped the concept far enough to know if you make the effort of shutting up for 5 minutes you might get the reward of hearing something more interesting than your own inane twitterings. I've just heard something on BBC7 about the rise of comedy in the folk clubs, which described the working men's scene as 'foot on neck' meaning to grab the audience you have to grab them fast and hold them steady while you deliver a stream of non-taxing gags.

Anyway, while I'm moaning about the gig, I can't be proud of my performance. Al said...

"Pete Thompson and Carl Hutchinson strode manfully onto stage, and both did their best, but by this point the crowd were talking amongst themselves, and I just couldn't get them to listen to the acts any more. I will learn the art of the compere, but I have a lot to learn."

Well what Al didn't mention was that, while Carl's best was ploughing on for nearly his 10 minutes, my best was wraping up after 3 minutes and calling it a day. Well, I had just done my 'vell, ve haff been expectink you!' line, and a daft German accent was as close as I get to pleasing this kind of crowd.

I must vow never to leave a stage early again. But I will acheive this not only by force of will but by turning down gigs which sound like mistakes in the first place.

Gig 47. Cheesy LLC.

A nice gig last night, Cal was away and there were only 4 acts so we could all stretch ourselves. I did some new stuff touching on; the origin of cheese- one story claims it was produced accidentally from the milk inside a dead camel, which makes one wonder how it caught on; my days on the deli counter in Fenwicks - an endless round of breaded ham and pease pudding; a bit about the anti-peodophile campagins which developed into something on the schooldays practice of nearly pushing somone off a cliff (accompanied by the words 'Tell your mother I saved your life'). I also did a nice bit on the name of one of the other comics 'Don Moses' - who I thought was going to be a character comic doing a mafia biblical character...

DON MOSES.



'Looks Pharo, I told yous to let my people go. Now what part of 'let my people go' don't you understand? See if the Jews don't go free, well, accidents can happen. Frogs can get knocked out of the sky. I mean, it would be a shame if every first born child in Egypt was to meet with an unfortunate accident...'

I like this bit but I can only do it when Don is on the bill before me.

If the picture probably doesn't work(it's supposed to look like one half and half image) -tough. I've changed the size settings 3 times.

This was going to include a review of the whole gig, but I've got to get to work.

www.longlivecomedy.com

As I said yesterday we have secured the above website, and it now directs you seamlessly to the ld blogspot site- hopefully this slight simplification should make us easy to find and send the punters flocking to the site and thence on to the shows.

And speaking of shows... tonights is extra cheesy.



As usual, no one will take any notice of the theme (except probably Al, who makes the stuff), but it makes a nice competition - see the site for details, why not use the new name to get there, go on type it in. Right- I'm off to work and am going to think of cheese based comedy all the way there.

ladies on the podcast.

A new podcast- a rather ropey version of Ladies, ladies, ladies - but I think I have now taped over this version on my studio. I might have been able to make a few changes, but I don't have time right now to do it again from scratch. Still here it is. To be honest, some stuff is going on the podcast just so that I can then delete it from my recorder - it's a public dustbin basically. Probably not the best way to go about promoting myself.

Also, we've now secured www.longlivecomedy.com so the thousands who couldn't find the LLC site because they forgot the word 'blogspot', will now flock to the it.

Gig 46. Back at the Sunderland Royalty.

I'm trying to get back to a post a day- though I really haven't got time. Is it worth forcing one out if it's not going to be entertaining? Probably not. But hey ho. At least this entry contains the picture of Grey Hairy Booze Ghost - which should have been in yesterday.

Anyway, for the record, went to sunderland feeling ill, got lost, found the pub, went on first, enjoyed it more than I thought I would, laughed too hard at Gavin Webster (who makes it look easy) which set back the recovery of my sore throat. Came home.

More tomorrow, thrillseekers.

Gig 45. Haloween LLC.

For the halloween LLC I did a few bits of the material from yesterday, but more successfully we also used the scrap of fake fur that hides the boozy competition. This revealed itself to be a ghost, the idea was that I'd voice the ghost puppet with an extra mic offstage, and Cal would talk to it. But Cal hadn't had enough time to learn it, so we had the rather surreal solution of AL doing Cal's voice, just as I did the ghost's. Here's the script...

well... that's the competition, but who's looking after the prize. Well as it's halloween, we thought we'd let you in on a little secret. This bit of cloth that hides the prize is actually a ghost. let me see if he'll talk to you... Come spirit... awaken...is there anybody there? (etc, till you get the puppet on.)

hello mr. cal.

hello. So you know us then?

Of course, I've been watching the show for nearly a year. you're mr Cal, that's mr pete, and thats the lovely alison.

Alison?

Well, I know you usually call her Al, but I think it must be alison really.

So you like our Al?

Oh yes, shes got lovely curly hair, and she talks dirty, I bet she'd do owt.

Right, OK. so you know us, what's your name?

Hairy grey booze ghost.

Hairy grey booze ghost?

That's right, Mr. Hairy grey booze ghost.

That's a bit of a mouthful, do you have a first name.

Ken.

Right, well I call you that...

No, it's a bit familiar, please call me Mr. Hairy grey booze ghost. Maybe if I come back next week you can call me ken.

So you think you're coming back next week?

Yes. I expect I will soon become the star of the show.

Right. well. So, you're obviously a hairy grey ghost and the booze bit is because you look after the competition prize.

Not only look after it, I make it myself, I emanate it from my own ectoplasm.

Ectoplasm?

Yes, it's a sticky substance that ghost produce when they get excited.

Oh, I know- like slimer in ghostbusters.

(spits) Gah! I hate ghost busters! the bastards. BIll Murray and Dan Akroyd and the specky one and the black one, just ganging up on ghost and putting them in boxes!

but the ghosts were being quite naughty.

rubbish, just minding their own business.

Well what about that dog demon that attacked rick moranis- that was pretty bad.

OK, but afterwards he got to have sex with sigorni weaver. And there's no way that speky twat would have had a chance with her otherwise. I mean, most men would happily be attacked by demonic devil dogs if they could shag sigorni weaver afterwards. Like she was then, I mean, not now. She's about 50! Imagine it- like shagging your gran, urgh.

Ok, ok, calm down Hairy grey booze ghost. I wanted to ask- what were you like in real life, were a man, a woman or what-because now, you just look like a small sheet,

that's because in life I was a flannel. But I was a bad flannel, I did terrible acts. Crimes against flannelity

flannelity?

That's like humanity but with flannels. I did shocking things. Once, I was being used to wipe up some jam, and I rolled over so my owner got it all on his hand. And once I hid at the back of the drawer, so no one could find me- and they couldn't shut the drawer properly either. And once I killed 6 kids.

(AT this point the ghost goes a bit mental - so just shut him up and move on.)

A picture of HGBG will be added once the picture uploading thingy starts working again.