Some er, stuff.

Just a quick one today as I haven't done any gigs or thought of any new stuff. In fact this is more coming attractions, as I'll tell you more about these after the event.

So tomorrow expect more on the Monday night comics' round table. Or in other words me, Al, Callum and possibly a few more are meeting for a drink in the bridge hotel. This may be a chat, or it could be the debate which secures the future of amateur comedy in Newcastle. Anyway, it seems other people were thinking along the same lines as me when i discussed continuing with some regular meeting of minds. So tonight from 7, the bridge hotel if anyone else wants to drop in. But more on that tomorrow.

On thursday expect more on the mighty boosh live. I'm going to York to see the first day of the tour, though they also come through Newcastle in a month or so. It's a great show, but didn't really take off on TV. I didn't like it when i saw bits of episodes at 11, but then it was repeated at 6.30 and i saw a whole one when i wasn't tired and grouchy and loved it. It's about two zoo keepers - Vince (mogli in flares) -70's retro chic, hair, electro pop -and Howard jazz, poetry. It's difficult to describe but my favorite episode has them taking a bear to a zoo for animal offenders (we've got a rapist crab, a swan that keys cars). I suggest everyone checks it out - the second series is currently being repeated -11.20 BBC2 tonight. -I prefer the first series, as in the 2nd they aren't in the zoo any more - hence zoo manager Bob Fossil doesn't appear. -He was my favorite character, an American Zoo manager who doesn't know what the animals are called -"This is the leg-face man, you know - he's got 4 legs and another leg on his face*"

You'll notice I now have 4 links.

Richard Herring's site - including the Web-log of this successful comedian - He actually tries to write funny entries, rather than writing about being a comedian in a way that makes it sound as exciting as hearing an account of a paint drying observation course, with slides. I'll have to try that myself.

New Word Order - they are more a poetry group, but I've been on two comedy workshop courses by them and done some gigs through them. - However the site hasn't been updated since new year, so unless they shape up, I may lose the link -and they might lose their 12k arts council funding.

Chortle - the comedy news website, always worth a gander. I found out about the student comedy competition through this. My favorite story recently was the glorious return of futurama - they're going to make 4 feature length DVDs. "Bender's back baby, please insert liquor!"

Al Dawe's Blog. Much the same as you get here - another nerd wondering if he's really funny or not.

MY NEXT GIG: THE GONG SHOW - DICKENS INN MIDDLESBOROUGH SUN 5TH FEB.

THE SUNDERLAND ROYALTY IS STILL GOING STRONG, EVERY WED.

*He means elephant.

Gone shows and gong shows.

Remember I said last time at the Egypt 'felt like the beginning of the end'? Well the latest North by North East comedy news email says that Mondays at the Egypt have been cancelled until 'we can find a room with some people in it.'

Oh well, there goes my once a week guaranteed gig. But it was probably never going to take off there, it's just too far from everything, I'd never been myself before. Hopefully they'll relocate quick and get going again - i'd vote for the Bridge Hotel's upstairs room, or the Engima bar - which is a little hard to find but is actually fairly central, and they have a video screen so you can pretend you're on telly.

Anyway. If anyone wants to continue meeting somewhere once a week, then let me know - I'd be up for that. If an audience turns up we can carry on as before, and if it's just us comics we can just have a beer and skittles night. Another option is to have something we can do for fun and profit ourselves and that punters can also watch should any turn up. I think going through your act for 3 other comics would be slightly too pathetic, but possibly some kind of improv. might be fun. I'd daydreamed about having a Sunday Afternoon radio 4 club -where we could meet and play 'just a minute'. You may say I'm a dreamer, and in this case I probably am the only one.

Well, as one door closes another opens - I enrolled myself for the Middlesborough gong show. (see: www.thefunnymagnet.co.uk) This is a competition show, something like the poetry slam (see december 4th entry) but rather than 3 random people giving scores, 3 random people have red cards - and when they all go up you're off. Anyone who lasts over 5 minutes (or the best 4 according to another report) goes onstage at the end for a clap-off. And the comic with the loudest applause wins 100 of your English pounds.

It sounds a bit nerve racking, but i guess it's really just illustrating what happens anyway. It think most of an audience will decide if they like you in the first minute, it's just that we don't normally get to see the little red cards going up.

MY NEXT GIG: THE GONG SHOW - DICKENS INN MIDDLESBOROUGH SUN 5TH FEB.

THE EGYPT IS DEAD BUT THE SUNDERLAND ROYALTY IS STILL GOING STRONG, EVERY WED. THIS WEEK -Tonights compere is Matt Reed. Headline act is the rather excellent Dominic Woodward with support from Lee Teah and Flash plus more TBC.

gig 17. A quiet night in Egypt.

A weird night at the Egypt cottage. it was the first time there was really no audience to speak of. It's never been full since the first one, but usually the tables in front of the stage fill up with genuine punters. This week there were a couple of friends of acts and that was about it.

Callum Cramb was compere this week, and though he did well, the 'crowd' wasn't quite as perked up as John Scott usually gets them - of course callum didn't have much to work with.

John Scott came at the end, with tales of how his new agent had got him the compere spot at the Hyena. He'd just come from a crowd of 400, and been paid real money, and it looks like John won't be able to waste his time with us losers for much longer - and who can blame him?

All in all it felt like the beginning of the end. But who knows- we might get 30 people in next week and everyone will be back on top form.

So anyway, it was a tough crowd.- I had another lot of new stuff- but it was more in sections, so the technique i used last week of doing a gag, then asking for marks out of 10 wouldn't have worked. In the end i dropped a lot anyway, as no-one's material was going over as well as it should have. Instead i thought i'd be loud and brash and hammer home the ammusing characters-and try to stirr up the crowd that way. But it didn't work frankly. I still need punchlines to trigger the laughs. I did a bit based on a stag do i'd been to, playing up a drunken argument between me and a barman who wanted the groom to stop dancing on the tables dressed as wonderwoman. I'd hoped this would get small laughs all the way through, like a little sketch, but there was nothing -it was only (partially) saved when i explained -'what they objected to was the fact that wonderwoman's costume is basically an American flag, once he took that off everyone was fine.'

I also mentioned that the phrase 'Monkey arse counter flaps' was written on the toilet wall and tried to think why. Again, my repetitive explanation didn't get many laughs, but the last line 'If anyone has a better explanation of why the phrase 'Monkey arse counter flaps' is on the wall i'd like to hear it.'-got a laugh that almost justified what had gone before.

Basically, I was a bit too drunk and trying to get laughs by just getting louder and repating things. Callum nearly tried to get me off early, and listening back to the tape I'd dithered, backtracked and ummmed so much that 5 minutes of stuff took 10 minutes to say.

A few things worked.

A terrible vegetable pun: That's challotte / ya' lot. Actually got a laugh.

I was saying french only sounded sophisticated, giving an explanation of the literal meaning of compere -comme pere -like dad. This got a laugh, but i followed it up with too much waffle. A similar joke explaining how TGV actually means 'very fast train' didn't work, again mostly because i made it too long.

Similarly some stuff about Isambard Kingdom Brunel was mostly overblown and didn't work. Though there was a bit when i pointed out that despite his popularity people didn't name their kids after him. This allowed me to imagine Brunel in a primary class and i got a laugh with;

Miss, Imambard's taken all the plasticene!
Yes, and please order another thousand tons or, upon my sam, this bridge will never be finished.


TIP: DON'T GO ON AFTER MORE THAN 3 PINTS.

PS: AL DAWS HAS NOW STARTED A BLOG TOO AT http://blog.myspace.com/BigBlueFatAl -I'LL TRY TO SET UP A DIRECT LINK.

Chortle Student Comedy Awards.

Hooray! I have been selected for the Chortle Student Comedy Awards.

Well, I say selected, there wasn't actually a selection process of any kind, I think anyone who sent their details gets in. They did ask for a comedy reference - and I gave them the name of our beloved compere, John Scott, but just his name, not his e-mail or telephone number, so unless they've done some real detective work, they still know nothing about me.

Owing to overcrowding at my selected venue, Manchester, there's a chance I might have to go to Bristol or Southhampton. Which are strangely undersubscribed. There always seems to be a cock-up with the venues for the heats for these things. Surely they only need to have so many heats in the south because of London, so why not just have them all the southern ones in London? Then when Manchester is oversubscribed, because it's the closest venue if you live anywhere between Carlisle and Nottingham, I get redirected to a place that I can get to on one train. Arse.

Again, the North East is just not appearing on the comedy map. At the BBC new comedy awards the sheffield heat was the best option, and at least 5 out of the 12 acts were actually from Newcastle (or at least on the Metro) - Why don't they choose the venues after they know where the contestants are from?

Anyway, I'll be at one of the following:


Tuesday February 21: Jesters, Bristol

Sunday February 26: University of Southampton

Monday February 27: Manchester. XS Malarkey

I don't know how long we have to do yet, but the next 5 mondays will see me at the Egypt cottage honing my act. I think for a couple of weeks I'll keep the formula of admiting I'm trying out new stuff and asking for marks out of 10. Then I'll practice the competition act 3 times and tweak it a bit. So let's hope for plenty of new faces at the Egypt, or they're going to get pretty sick of me.

MY NEXT GIG - EGYPT COTTAGE, NEWCASTLE, NEAR QUAYSIDE, NEXT TO OLD TYNE TEES BUILDING.- MONDAY 23RD JAN -TONIGHT.

OTHER GIGS, NOT FEATURING ME, - THE ROYALTY PUB SUNDERLAND, EVERY WEDNESDAY.

Oiginal comedy - airports, what's up with that?

Here's a routine I wrote in the Library last week when I should have been working. I'm not so sure now, it looks a bit 'Seinfeld' - by which I mean fairly predictable sounding observations, that only a genius can get away with. I don't think this would fit into my plan of having the audience give each joke marks - for that I need short different ideas - If I did this and got 2/10 for the first airport bit, people would wonder why I didn't take the hint and change the subject. Anyway - here it is, if anyone thinks there's stuff worth keeping here please leave a comment....

Hello
If you’ve paid to get in then I should tell you, I’m just trying out some new stuff so most of it might be shit. But I’m not getting paid. Your money goes to the guys you see later. Think of me as a free gift, I’m the exciting plastic toy you get with the crusty old cornflakes you’ve paid for.
-setting myself up for a fall here.

I might sit down. People say doing stand up comedy is terrifying –but it’s the standing up that’s terrifying, not the comedy. Standing up on your own to speak is always terrifying – court, school assemblies. Just sit down it’s great, just a chat in the pub. There are no lie down comedians- that’s too relaxed – you couldn’t be bothered to say anything. But altitude versus relaxed is not a linear graph –there’s a little blip here –kneeling. Kneeling down and speaking are never good. Proposing, begging for your life. Never watch a kneel down comedian –just someone sobbing while their life falls apart.

Anyway, I’ve had a holiday and just tried to come up with a few exciting, original comedy ideas. So here we go – British people like to moan and air travel.

It’s a cliché because it’s true. Most Brits love to moan. They’d rather by miserable and able to complain about it. You go to an airport and see a queue of 100 people all moaning in front of a check in desk that doesn’t open for 45 minutes.

-oh it’s a disgrace.
Yes- it would be a disgrace if you were forced to wait. But there’s a WH smiths, gregs, a pub – all human life is here. You’re moaning in a queue – I’m having the time of my life. You’ve stood still for an hour- I’ve had 3 pints and a custard doughnut. I’ve pretended to finish a sudoku in record time.

The ones that really get me are the burly guys- they’re not content to complain about waiting in a queue they don’t have to wait in, they have to complain about carrying a suitcase they don’t have to carry.
-this isn’t getting any lighter!
-Well put it down! It’s an inch off the ground.
What does he think? That the floor might collapse if it has to carry his weight and the bags?

If you ever go on a camping trip with one of these guys make a deal – I’ll carry both bags if you carry me.. yeah, alright, that seems fair.

It’s not as if it makes any difference who checks in first- we’re all getting on the plane – it’s not an Indian train –there’s no chance of being so late you have to sit on the roof.

-It’s to get the best seats.- it’s a plane, not a theatre. If there was only one giant window at the front you might have a point.

It’s not a concert. –oh we had great seats I could see everything. There’s me at the back, -oh I’m missing this gorgeous spectacle- why didn’t I bring my opera glasses.

gig 16- New year in Egypt.

Well a reunion at the egypt with the usual suspects. I might as well start with the official North by Northeast comedy take on it, which was e-mailed round today.

"The horses mouth comedy night is back. Tonight and every Monday untill the ever after. The show will be hosted by your regular compere John Scott. There will be a packed bill every week. If you fancy a go yourself then why not come down to Newcastles only open mike sesion. DOORS8.00 PRICE£3.00/£2.00 student's concesionsVENUE THE EGYPT COTTAGE(next to the old Tyne Tees building)
also MACK EM LAUGH AT THE ROYALTY PUB SUNDERLAND DOORS 8.00p.m PRICE£4.00 COMPERE.MATT REED+SARAH MILLICAN AND BEN SCHOFIELD+SUPPORT....."

So it seems Monday at Egypt Cottage is pretty much a free for all, lots of comics doing lots of new bits, or running through their usual act to stay in practice, all held together by John. On the packed bill this week were:
Me
Christian Steele
Les Paul Marshall
A magic act, James.
A diabetic girl(I know because it was a big part of her act, she didn't slip into a coma.) - apologies for forgetting the name.
A pro-comedian friend of John's -ditto
Callum Cramb - finished off.

Stu behind the decks as usual and Al Daws in the audience - he'll be on next week.

Thinking about it I'll have to stop just listing names, as it's not really interesting - not even for those named. From now on I'll just mention people if I've got some particular coment about their act.

My spot was just a chance to go through the notes I've been scribbling down over the last 3 weeks, I admitted this as I went up, and even brought my notebook and pen to cross out anything they didn't like, this got a reaction so I started asking for marks out of 10. I did it just to be honest, I didn't want to present it as a conventional act, as I guessed a lot of it wouldn't work first time round. But everyone commented on how it was a great gimick, saying it should be a deliberate style. I'm not sure. I'm doing it to slowly improve, I think once everything starts getting over 7, I'll stop doing it - unless I keep a few bad ones in to keep up the pretence. Hmmm. Anyway - it seemed to make everyone warm to me, I don't want to get by on sympathy, but hey, it can't hurt.

Well, my plan is to do this for another month or so - keeping note of the reactions (I wish I'd taped last night) then do a longer set of the best bits - hopefully taking this to Sunderland if John thinks it's good enough. The only problem is that was 3 weeks of notes - I may not be able to come up with anything new by next week.

For the record here's what I did, and marks out of 10.

Genetic engineers aren't engineers, they might as well be genetic potters - nada. zip.wheeeeee thunk. (I meant to talk about Brunel and muttonchops and stove pipehats- maybe that would have improved it.)

A related bit about 'frankenstein food' actually sounding cool- a tick (the points system not yet working.)

No food with a face, If the chef can't be bothered to cut the head off, I'm not eating it. 5/10

Balamorey, what's the story, wouldn't YOU like to know. (Sarcastic kids TV) 7/10

Every letter is important, take the writer who thought of 'Casper the friendly Host' -2/10 -but I still love that one.

The end of the Hokey Cokey -WHOAAAAA! -Exhilerating, the closest thing modern man has to charging into battle -5/10.

I then did a longer but about Knighthoods, in my notes this is just one heading with 3 scores by it, Which I guess must have been given thus;

-Sir Terry Wogan, Sir Elton John etc -If dragons ever do come back we're fucked. 8/10

- I suggested it was unfair that rock stars had to have hits for 40 years to get honoured, while sports people get them young...Dame Kelly Holmes should come back when she's 60, if she's still bringing in the medals, then we'll talk.0/10

-a longer bit on the concept that in King Arthur's day the rule was -'If you expect to be made a knight you won't be.' - basically the absurdity that people suitable will inevitably suspect they might be knighted, and hence become inelligible. This got 5/10 overall, but was a bit long - I think clever use of the phrase 'You've pissed on your chips' saved it.

NEXT GIG -BACK AT EGYPT COTTAGE EVERY MONDAY, COME ALONG AND MARK MY HOMEWORK*.

*potential catch-phrase.

Back- and going for my Century.

Hello again fans. I've been gone for the hols. I did mean to keep this up even when I wasn't doing any gigs, but what with university work this is the first entry in about a month, so i'll just keep going were I left off.

Last gig was the NWO party, and it was pretty much another stinker. I won't go over it - pretty much the same as Sunderland but I didn't have the mic stand as an excuse this time. I was probably a little more relaxed than I should have been, thanks to the 2 free beers for performers, but that's no excuse either. I've really thought about just throwing in the towel, but i've decided to get back out there. I really think I have something original- currently I'm just awful in a fairly original way, but who knows?

Anyway, I've decided to go for 100 gigs. I think if I force myself to keep going until I've done 100 performances of some kind of comedy, then either I'll be good, or I'll know it's never going to happen. The NWO party was my 15th, so that's 85 to go. At my current pace that'll take about 2 years. But that's probably how long it takes to get really good.

Anyway - there should be a flurry of new entries now my work's (mostly) out of the way, starting with a report on tonight's Egypt cottage show, no.16 - if I get up and trawl through my notes of last month and see if anything is actually funny.