Churchill / Nicking material.

The next LLC experience (got to start calling it something different.) will be a guide to Churchill. Talking about it I mentioned a sketch I'd heard of but never seen. I think it was in an inteview with Barry Crier or Spike Milligan, but google reveals nothing more. The idea was about a group of german troops, and one who speaks a little English translates the following song...

Hitler has only got one ball,
Göring has two but very small,
Himmler is somewhat similar,
But poor old Goebbels has no balls at all."

... and of course they all fall about laughing throughout. It's such a funny idea I think we'll have to include it, though it breaks the 'though shalt not steal other's jokes' which I normally adhere to. But we'll add an admission that it's not ours, and I think in this case we are more like historians, restoring a routine which was almost lost. Also there's something great about comedy in another language, as longh as it's the sort of cod-German with enough similar words so that people can still follow it. (See Eddie 'Le sange est dans l'arbre' Izzard.)

Das Englander songen, vas ist das?

Gehen, Sie sprechen Englisch.

OK, das tommys sprect zo...

Hitler hat nur einen Testikel erhalten,
hat Göring zwei,
aber sehr klein,
Und Himmler ist derselbe wie Göring,
Und Goebbels hat keine Testikel an allen.

Gig 68. The Balloon the Ape and The Apple.

Again, the first proper gig in ages, but a good one, at this delightfully named Manchester pub, which the Comedy Baloon recently moved to. I did a variation on my virgin train toilet doors stuff-search the blog for 'virgin'. This was well recieved, especially the inclusion of a guide dog who wants to help but is as unsure as me about what to do. Also a bit based on the England Glory matches- see entry last week, which I remember only coming across as so so, and as my recorder stopped at that point I'll have to go on memory. Most energising of all was the jounrey where Al and I found a very likely topic for our next attempt at an LLC special - 'Churchill.' I've since even bought a biography. (£2 in bargain books) The index has 20 pages under 'Humour- sense of' compared to 3 on 'Home rule- india' so it looks like we made a good choice.

Bits and Bobs.

I've just started to carry a little notbook around with me again lately, but I've lost the latest one, so I'm going to try and remember any gems from that. I think I mentioned...

Neighbours' pets. There's a dog upstairs which cries when its owners are out, but it doesn't sound like a real dog it sounds like a person taking the mickey. I also had a conversation with the cat next door. This is the one that craps in my herbs so it's not welcome, but it was standing on the wall meowing. I suppose it was looking for an invite, so after just gving it a stern look I said 'Hiss.' and it got the message and went off. I didn't hiss and run at it or imitate a cat, I just said 'hiss', but it seems to work.

I seem to remember another predictive text blip that I'd noticed. Trying to write 'blogs' it comes up with 'clogs'- surely anyone who owns a phone is more familiar with internet diaries than Dutch wooden shoes.

-Well you can't expect comedy gold from every page of your wee notebook. (I bet I forgot the good stuff too.)

Transport.

The LLC tonight is transport. I recently came back from Japan through Heatrow. Not a good idea. Usually we go Newcastle Amsterdam. No problem, in Newcastle - providing you're not an obvious trouble maker you're alright. So if you don't wear a Sunderland FC shirt they let you through. But Heathrow is a different story. You're met by a huge line in a dirty hall, it's like being in the queue for customer service in Primark. And they don't trust anyone. We had to take off our shoes. It's a wonderful introduction to the UK. Welcome to London- dirty, inefficient and paranoid. And remember - I'd already flown from Tokyo to London, this was to get the connecting flight. What kind of terrorist manages to get his bomb on a packed international flight, but saves it until he's on the shuttle to Newcastle?

I also had the debate about the moving walkways. Stand or keep walking? My mate thought it was stupid to stand, the airport has spent millions on them to get people there quicker, not give lazy sods a rest but get them there at the same time. I take a different view. It's like being granted a superpower. Now, which Super power would you prefer?

a)the ability to move slightly faster while using no more energy.
or
b)the ability to stand still and hover miraculously to your destination?

I know what gets my vote.

Gig 67 / England's Glory?

Finally took the stage at one of our monthly gigs, doing 10 minutes of stand up - I'll be compereing the August gig. A great night and I think I held my own alongside the other performers so, despite being more nervous than i have in a long time, I was well pleased.

I recently noticed the above design on a box of matches. England's glory. A battleship (doubtless off to give the bosh a hiding) and not one but two union jacks. Bit jingoistic in this day and age, I thought. But on closer in spection, it's more international - made in Sweden.

How are England's Glory matches being made in Sweden? Is there a factory full of swedish Anglophiles, wearing bowler hats on the way to work? Starting the day with a rousing chorus of 'God save the Queen'? Watching tapes of 'Last of the Summer Wine' in the canteen? "Yharss, we are maken our matches to pour reflected glory on her majesty."

This would be weird if they were made in China, but Sweden? They have one of the highest standards of living in the world. Beer costs about £8 a pint. Who knew this wealth was based on the match making industry? I thought matches were a fairly cheap comodity. What about all those poor victorian match girls, trying to make enough for a crust of bread.

"Please kind sir, buy a box o' matches from a poor orphan girl."
"Hang on, aren't you Swedish?"
"No."
"You are! That's your Volvo isn't it?"

Whole Otter Love.

Tonight's LLC theme is Rock n Roll and the competition is Animal Rock and Roll, as it says on the LLC site;

Because our dumb chums like to rock out too...
The Oasis classic- Don't look back in hamster.
Bonnie Tyler's tortoise love song- Turtle eclipse of the heart.
The Smiths with their tribute to the sea-cow- This charming manatee.

But for my money 'Whole Otter Love' beats them all. Especially as I actually happened to hear the song (the original obviously) over the weekend, and now to my ears Robert Plant is just singing about our largest semi-aquatic mammal.

On Thursday I'll be doing a bit at our monthly show, and I've realised this is my first proper gig (i.e. straight stand up, not something weird, and not just at the LLC.) since February at Cool Fun in Durham. Al offered me a gig on Wednesday, but at short notice I couldn't face 3 nights out in a row. Still, he's doing it- and he was in Edinburgh again over the weekend. I'll have to get out more, or at least make sure when I do occassionally appear I'm so good that people still notice me.