Halloween.

*
A quick one, but I want to get a full week in, which I haven't done in ages (Just realised it's Tuesday so I've already blown that one.) It's the Haloween special at the LLC tonight- which is basically just one of our 'themes' but as everyone is aware it's halloween today, it might actually be a recognisable part of the show.

Although, not everyone knows it's today. Most kids seem to think it's a vague 3-5 week period somewhere after they're bored of being back at school. I actually heard 'penny for the guy' before any mention of Halloween. This was 3 weeks before the 5th of Nov. (Remember, remember? -They've never heard of it.) Worse, I then heard some urchin who wanted, 'a penny for the guy for Halloween.' I've seen kids who expect money because they've taken their tracksuit top off, filled it with god knows what and have a blatant tesco bag for a head. My mum saw some kids trying to get away with a teddy bear in a hat. A teddy bear is not a guy. Hat or no hat. When we were young at least we made an effort. Our guys were life sized, we pushed them round in a wheel barrow. They had realistic early 17th century ruffs.

My brother once had a couple of kids come to his door in mid October, no costumes. "Too early." he said and sent them packing. They returned closer to the date, but still with no costumes, in fact they'd just been kciking a couple of footballs about and taken a chance. "You haven't even got costumes." said Keith, and away they went. They were back in 10 minutes. One had his jumper pulled up over his head and a ball under his arem, the other had his football up his jumper. "Right, what are you supposed to be." "I'm the headless horseman, and he's the one who ate all the pies."

*Spooky picture added later- the internet is full at the minute.

Gig 44. Forbidden fruit, City emblems and other bits of tat.

A good LLC on Tuesday, back to the old format, 6 acts with each of us introducing two of them. All the acts were good, ending with a great set from John Scott, and Cal Al and Myself all had pretty good stuff to do in the gaps. I tried this...

"I noticed that a new greengrocer had opened. And they've gone for that thing hairdressers do of using a related pun, you know- so there'll be a hairdressers called 'curl up and dye' - which works on two levels. So This greengrocer has tried to do that. And he's called his shop 'forbidden fruits' Which I think only works on one level really.

-I'll have a pound of apples please.

-Sorry mate- they're forbidden.

Unless Satan has set up the shop to sell the actual forbidden fruit from the garden of Eden. You go in the shop and there's just an apple tree with a snake wrapped round it. 'Go on, have one, they're fuckin lush.'

Yeah, I always have a problem with that Adam and eve story- because the apples are supposed to be the fruit of knowledge, they eat them and they know all this new stuff. And the first thing they notice is that they are naked. Which begs the question... How fucking stupid were these people in the first place? I mean I've got some thick mates- but they all know whether or not they've got clothes on!

I reckon god must have worked out that making this fabulous garden of Eden was too much work, and it was easier just to make Adam and eve so stupid that they wouldn't notice where they were.

GOD- Adam- do you like the paradise I have created for you?

ADAM- (In vague chav / manc accent.) Yeah man great, top one.

As he wanders round an abandoned sainsbury's car park.

Then one day, ADAM- top! Apples (munchity-crunchity) POSH ADAM-I say, I appear to be completely starkers, and what am I doing in sainsbury's car park?"

This didn't get a reaction, though it tickles me. I also did another bit on odd signs, pointing out that 'WARNING C.C.T.V.' is not only directed at criminals, but is helping them (by warning them.) My futher annoyance with designer milk came to the fore, when I challenged the claim of Cravendale 'It's filtered to make it purer.' (Im-bloomin-possible.)

I'm still not quite comfortable with the spontaneous banter, but I've been able to come up with things on the spot based on topics earlier acts have mentioned. Someone mentioned the emblem of the London underground police- a mole, because they work underground -with glasses and a white stick, to point out they can't see. (An aspect of the mole that you'd think the police wouldn't focus on.) Anyway, I tried to make something out of the unlikely choice of the seahorse as Newcastle's emblem. We're hardly inundated with seahorses are we? This got a bit of a titter, but it was only when I (unfairly) claimed they'd be dodging between fag-ends and old johnnys at North Shields that the real laugh came. So, nice to be able to come up with something on the spot. If only I could get close to Ross Nobel on a similar subject...

"Our national crest has a lion, right, and a unicorn. So that's one animal that doesn't even live in Britain, and one that doesn't exist. We might as well have a hippo and an ewok."

Gig 42, and festival 43.

Another long break as the disruption of the festival has made blogging a low priority.

Gig 42 was another appearance at Manchester's Beat the Frog. After winning last time I thought it would be a bit cheeky to do the same 5 minutes, and though I had the 20 minute festival show ready, none of it was suitable for a gong- so I tried some new / newish stuff. So I did the bits on the low lactose milk for cats and a new bit on a fruit shop near Al's called 'Forbidden Fruits'. This was actually beat the frog- world series, a slightly more prestigeous version with a grand final, so most people were using their best stuff and my new and shakey material didn't stand up.

But gig 43- our festival success- a decent crowd, thanks largely to Cal's mates, and a good gig all round, it also felt like a good tightly run show and everyone went over well. I wanted to start with my laydeez song, and tried to really sell it with a nifty 'timberlake' drum sample running in the background, and a mirror ball (which was promptly nicked at the end of the show.) A better than usual sound-check paid off- everyone could hear the lyrics and it got my set off to a good start.

I decided to end with my poem which includes all the allowed 2 letter words in scrabble. This was perhaps not quite such a good idea- I think people like it, and there are some great laughs towards the end, but it takes 8 minutes and for a lot of that they aren't laughing. In retrospect an edited version, leaving time to finish on another song, might have been better. Still, good overall, and with me in the middle breaking up the conversational styles of Cal and Al, the night worked well as a whole.

Now- straight back to the weekly routine of Tuesday's LLC- hopefully with a boosted audience thanks lto the festival.

Bollocks- update.

There's a new podcast- what I would have / might sill have to enter for the BBC7 comp. Check the link to the ppodcast site.

Bollocks!

I was just preparing to finalise and send off my ideas for a couple of radio competitions today. One's adding to an existing sketch show the other is coming up with an idea for a new show. So I decided to look a little more closely at the web site and see if I'd missed anything. The sketch competition is already closed. Arse.

But worse, regular readers (both of them) will remember 'Through the time hole with Lord Caruthers-Wothington.' -the adventures of a victorian gent. This was my plan for the other competition. On the site they have an interview with Colin and Fergus- the first people to have a show commissioned by BBC7, and they describe their show...

"We were keen to work up an idea based on a Victorian detective story."

Double Arse. It turns out this is (the main) part of a sketch show, rather than a whole sit com, but still. If the first thing BBC7 comissioned was about victorian detectives, then the second thing isn't going to be about victorian adventurers. I must learn to be prepared by (a) reading competition details and closing dates and (b) buying a decent voice recorder earlier.

I've just got a nice new one with a huge memory which is also mac compatible (though still a pain in the arse to convert to MP3) If I had bought that last year and had started my podcast I would now have audio samples to pick and choose from- surely I could convince BBC7 that one would stretch to a 15 minute show. But alas, all I have is 3 more days to think of a new idea. Bugger.

Cheating at Scrabble.

If the picture has uploaded then you are looking at MIT sophomore Jason Katz-Brown, he's very good at scrabble. He's the sort of cheating bastard who knows all of the two letter words. You know the type, player A puts 'insipid' (12 points) running down the board, player B, using the 'n' puts 'intro' across (8 points), Jason Katz-Brown puts a 'q' in the corner -making 'qi' (chi-spiritual energy.) in two directions (157 points).

There are loads of them, from the obvious -IF, IN, ON.

To the interesting- AI- another word for 3-toed sloth.

All the noises we make, AH, OW, OH, are words - when you stub your toe- that's a sentence.

Unbelievably ES is how you spell the letter 'S'. I have no idea when this would be used, as a clarifier when writing signs? Surely it would cause more confusion.
-So the cake should say 'Happy Birthday Ross'-just to be safe, is Ross spelled r-e-es-es?

And there are a load of Scottish dialect terms, some are really different words 'OY' is Grandchild, but some are just the same words with a scottish accent 'KY' for cow.

Anyway, I've developed an easy menomic poem to help you remember these- but it takes 8 minutes, so if you want to hear it come to our show next week.

AND SPEAKING OF SHOWS, AT THE LLC TONIGHT...

We have the return of the students, so UK Student Comedians of the Year Donnachda O'Connill and Chris Martin will be around, as will multi-talented Kate Fox, Ric Wharton and Paul Gerrard. The theme is 'Primates' - will anyone remember to mention it? Who knows?

But if you only go to one gig in the next fortnight, make it this one...

TUE 17th- Best of Long Live Comedy - your regular hosts Al, Cal and Pete show off their best bits.

This is our Newcastle/Gateshead comedy festival show. It's Cal, Al and I doing 20 minutes each. Given that we've been doing this weekly for a year now, 20 minutes of our best material is as good as anyone's. (Though we'd be stuck if we each tried to do an hour on our own.) So it's not the usual Long Live Comedy show- it's shorter and more expensive. An hour for £5, as opposed to the usual £2 for two hours. But, this is an hour of tried and tested, slick, guaranteed A-grade material. And remember, all our money goes back into the show anyway- buying the PA, giving petrol money to the acts who've driven hours to get there, paying for the competition prizes etc, etc.

And it's not just us, there's a whole week of comedy...

TUE 17th- Best of Long Live Comedy - your regular hosts Al, Cal and Pete show off their best bits.
WED 18th- Steffen Peddie and Chris Martin- One and a Half Man Show.
THR 19th- Bob Doolally's Soccer Balls.
FRI 20th- Vladamir McTavish - A Brief History of Scotland.
SAT 21st- John Scott - A Scott in Newcastle.

THE BIG ONE DRAWS NEAR.

To start this week news of forthcoming shows. First, tomorrow we have a cracker of a night at the Dog and Parrot...

We have the return of the students, so UK Student Comedians of the Year Donnachda O'Connill and Chris Martin will be around, as will multi-talented Kate Fox, Ric Wharton and Paul Gerrard. The theme is 'Primates' - will anyone remember to mention it? Who knows?

But if you only go to one gig in the next fortnight, make it this one...

TUE 17th- Best of Long Live Comedy - your regular hosts Al, Cal and Pete show off their best bits.

This is our Newcastle/Gateshead comedy festival show. It's Cal, Al and I doing 20 minutes each. Given that we've been doing this weekly for a year now, 20 minutes of our best material is as good as anyone's. (Though we'd be stuck if we each tried to do an hour on our own.) So it's not the usual Long Live Comedy show- it's shorter and more expensive. An hour for £5, as opposed to the usual £2 for two hours. But, this is an hour of tried and tested, slick, guaranteed A-grade material. And remember, all our money goes back into the show anyway- buying the PA, giving petrol money to the acts who've driven hours to get there, paying for the competition prizes etc, etc.

And it's not just us, there's a whole week of comedy...

TUE 17th- Best of Long Live Comedy - your regular hosts Al, Cal and Pete show off their best bits.
WED 18th- Steffen Peddie and Chris Martin- One and a Half Man Show.
THR 19th- Bob Doolally's Soccer Balls.
FRI 20th- Vladamir McTavish - A Brief History of Scotland.
SAT 21st- John Scott - A Scott in Newcastle

Panned! Gig 42.

A slow day today as I'm trying to get my head together after a bit too much to drink at last night's LLC. I did the boats stuff from yesterday, but I'd written it as compere bits and it wasn't really working as a short set which is how I presented it in the end. I even read out the following (largely forgotten and sometimes edited) section from the Wind in the Willows. Not funny but quite interesting. Mole has just followed some music while searching for a missing baby otter...

"Perhaps he would never have dared to raise his eyes, but that, though the piping was now hushed, the call and the summons seemed still dominant and imperious. He might not refuse, were Death himself waiting to strike him instantly, once he had looked with mortal eye on things rightly kept hidden. Trembling he obeyed, and raised his humble head; and then, in that utter clearness of the imminent dawn, while Nature, flushed with fulness of incredible colour, seemed to hold her breath for the event, he looked in the very eyes of the Friend and Helper; saw the backward sweep of the curved horns, gleaming in the growing daylight; saw the stern, hooked nose between the kindly eyes that were looking down on them humourously, while the bearded mouth broke into a half-smile at the corners; saw the rippling muscles on the arm that lay across the broad chest, the long supple hand still holding the pan-pipes only just fallen away from the parted lips; saw the splendid curves of the shaggy limbs disposed in majestic ease on the sward; saw, last of all, nestling between his very hooves, sleeping soundly in entire peace and contentment, the little, round, podgy, childish form of the baby otter. All this he saw, for one moment breathless and intense, vivid on the morning sky; and still, as he looked, he lived; and still, as he lived, he wondered.

   `Rat!' he found breath to whisper, shaking. `Are you afraid?"

   `Afraid?' murmured the Rat, his eyes shining with unutterable love.

Messing about in Boats.

Today's Long Live Comedy had the theme 'Messing About in Boats.' this was Al's idea and I've been wondering what to do. The picture, by the way is a guy who crossed the atlantic in that little boat- but I include it for pure comedy value. Is there anything funny about rowing? Of course their is; cox. And don't tell me that was a perfectly normal word when it was invented that only sounds rude nowadays. Knobs have been called cocks for thousands of years, they knew what they were doing. It also sounds like exactly the kind of purile student humour that might eminate from oxbridge youths.

But why not? It livens up the sport. The only reason anyone watches the boat race is for the possibility of hearing a respected anouncer say 'they're holding their cox over their heads.' They very nearly played the same trick again with punting. Other sports should do it. I suggest the shooters in netball teams should be known as 'norks', formula one cars be renaimed 'fannies', and tees in golf renamed 'jerks'.

'What sets this team apart are the amazing norks.'

'Well, of course over the years, the fannies have gotten smaller and smaller- it's amazing that the drivers can squeeze in at all.'

'They're just positioning their balls and getting read to jerk off.'

What else? The line 'messing about in boats' comes from the wind in the willows. What's your favourite bit of that book? When Mole wakes up at the start? The fight with the weasels? When Toad says 'toot-toot.'? Personally I like the bit when they go to find the missing otter child and find him in the arms of the great god Pan, who is standing stradling the entire river. It's in there, honest. Just not in the claymation version where David Jason does the voices.

Next GIG -LLC TONIGHT- PLEASE COME.

Through the time hole with Lord Caruthers-Worthington. Part 2.

Here's the rest of yesterday's nonsense. I'll have to edit it down to 5 minutes and record it again to enter it in the competition- It's an introduction to a potential radio series. When I do I'll also put it out as a podcast. In the meantime Podcast 2 is now also available- a few minutes of me ranting about low lactose milk which seemed funny at the time.

"...But this was only the beginning of my troubles. Time travel is not easy. Some of you may have noticed my dishevelled appearance, perhaps you spotted that these are not genuine 19th century clothes. Forgive me, but to squirm through the tightest part of the time tunnel - what we call the time spincter- one must be completely nude and covered in goose fat. This has the problem that, arriving in the future, one is completely nude and somewhat greasy.

Naked time travel was correctly described in your film 'terminator' and having seen this during one of my future jaunts, I now use the methods of your Mr. Swartzenigger. Now when I emerge, naked and dripping from the time hole, I simply approach a biker or hells angel and demand 'I need your clothes, your boots and your bike.' Typically they tell me to fuck off, so usually I get my clothes from a tramp or student instead- hence this little number. Even this is not easy as tramps must be plied with drink until unconscious and one must threaten to hit the students very hard indeed.

Your future world is very strange to me. When I first arrived I saw strange young people wearing a kind of beige tartan. Gadzooks! I thought, Scotts! Invading again! But in my day a Scott was a wild man, half human, speaking in some godforsaken tongue, and with manners which any right-thinking Englishman would find obscene- but these people, they were AWFUL! But soon I learnered that their strange tartan signifies their allegience to Burberry - the fertility god!

So I have journeyed to the future, but it is the past I seek, to find my heritage. So my journeys have been in vain. What is more Time travel has left it's terrible scars on me. On my first journey I was sceptical about the nudity and goose fat. To be fair, Most people are sceptical about that part, hence I have yet to find a companion willing to strip off and come up my time hole. The first time I was unprepared and suffered terrible time burns. See this hand, it is old and gnarled, for though I am 44 this had is 62 years old. But worse, this had went backwards in time- see it is the hand of a tiny child.

I must go soon, for the time spincter draws ever tighter. But I will leave you with a warning, not to meddle with time. I will describe to you the true horror of my time ravaged hands... in song. (Harpsichord strikes up.)

I have a large hand
a large old and gnarled hand
I have a small hand
Just like a babe, new born's hand

The big hand's good for basketball
My little hand's no use at all.
though actually, it works quite well
For polishing a small bore artillary shell.

How else can I do it? You tell me, you tell me.

The ladies love my different hands,
For one's like a boy's,
One's like a man's.
If they want a tough guy they look over here,
Or an innocent boy to tickle their ear.

But it's really a curse to live this way
I dabbled with time, and time does not pay.
Through the time hole to the future and then,
I found that i could never juggle again."

NEXT GIG:
TUESDAY LONG LIVE COMEDY AT THE DOG AND PARROT