Through the time hole with Lord Caruthers-Worthington. Part 2.

Here's the rest of yesterday's nonsense. I'll have to edit it down to 5 minutes and record it again to enter it in the competition- It's an introduction to a potential radio series. When I do I'll also put it out as a podcast. In the meantime Podcast 2 is now also available- a few minutes of me ranting about low lactose milk which seemed funny at the time.

"...But this was only the beginning of my troubles. Time travel is not easy. Some of you may have noticed my dishevelled appearance, perhaps you spotted that these are not genuine 19th century clothes. Forgive me, but to squirm through the tightest part of the time tunnel - what we call the time spincter- one must be completely nude and covered in goose fat. This has the problem that, arriving in the future, one is completely nude and somewhat greasy.

Naked time travel was correctly described in your film 'terminator' and having seen this during one of my future jaunts, I now use the methods of your Mr. Swartzenigger. Now when I emerge, naked and dripping from the time hole, I simply approach a biker or hells angel and demand 'I need your clothes, your boots and your bike.' Typically they tell me to fuck off, so usually I get my clothes from a tramp or student instead- hence this little number. Even this is not easy as tramps must be plied with drink until unconscious and one must threaten to hit the students very hard indeed.

Your future world is very strange to me. When I first arrived I saw strange young people wearing a kind of beige tartan. Gadzooks! I thought, Scotts! Invading again! But in my day a Scott was a wild man, half human, speaking in some godforsaken tongue, and with manners which any right-thinking Englishman would find obscene- but these people, they were AWFUL! But soon I learnered that their strange tartan signifies their allegience to Burberry - the fertility god!

So I have journeyed to the future, but it is the past I seek, to find my heritage. So my journeys have been in vain. What is more Time travel has left it's terrible scars on me. On my first journey I was sceptical about the nudity and goose fat. To be fair, Most people are sceptical about that part, hence I have yet to find a companion willing to strip off and come up my time hole. The first time I was unprepared and suffered terrible time burns. See this hand, it is old and gnarled, for though I am 44 this had is 62 years old. But worse, this had went backwards in time- see it is the hand of a tiny child.

I must go soon, for the time spincter draws ever tighter. But I will leave you with a warning, not to meddle with time. I will describe to you the true horror of my time ravaged hands... in song. (Harpsichord strikes up.)

I have a large hand
a large old and gnarled hand
I have a small hand
Just like a babe, new born's hand

The big hand's good for basketball
My little hand's no use at all.
though actually, it works quite well
For polishing a small bore artillary shell.

How else can I do it? You tell me, you tell me.

The ladies love my different hands,
For one's like a boy's,
One's like a man's.
If they want a tough guy they look over here,
Or an innocent boy to tickle their ear.

But it's really a curse to live this way
I dabbled with time, and time does not pay.
Through the time hole to the future and then,
I found that i could never juggle again."

NEXT GIG:
TUESDAY LONG LIVE COMEDY AT THE DOG AND PARROT