Scrabble winning poem.

The 'Ai' or 3 toed sloth.

I talked about this poem a while back, when it was going to be the (anti?) climax of my Newcastle festival show. It includes (nearly) all of the 2 letter words which can be used in scrabble. But I never published it because of the length. However, a couple of scrabble fans came across the entry and wanted to see it so here it is.

Sh! St! Quiet! I’ll tell you what happened to me
When Ho! I was accosted by a most strange enemy.
He had the muscles of an ox, he was angry and direct.
And I guessed that he was Scottish from his use of dialect.

Oi, Ye! Ch ug you, ch ug you I say.
Now ch means I, and ug means loathe- this just wasn’t my day.
Ye stole ae of my ky – he meant one of his cattle
I’ll ne let ye get away – Ha! Prepare for battle.
Cos you’re the one who pushed my sweet jo oy into the ea
I didn’t understand at all – I thought, did I mishear?
He explained, jo- beloved, oy- grandchild, ea- river.
and when I’d got the gist of it he punched me in the liver.
Na! I said, you’re mistaken, I swear it was not me
Fy! He said - You try to pull the oo over my ee?
(wool over my eyes)

He looked like a volcano, I was sure he’d blow his top
And spray aa (– a type of lava) all over the shop.
How could he be so angry, hadn’t he heard of meditation
Perhaps a bit of yoga would improve his situation.
But teaching this man inner peace would clearly be a farce
Give him a burning incense stick – he’d stick it up your arse.
Was I right to judge him, not knowing of his strife
Well- one look told me the man wouldn’t say om! – to save his life.
Still his face was red and straining – a mask of consternation.
Like the before picture in an ad for relief of constipation.

He was clearly deranged, I knew it was so
His id didn’t control his super-ego
And as if to prove how his brain had gone wrong
He suddenly stepped up and burst into song

Do, re, mi, he bellowed and also fa, so
He continued la, ti and then went back to do.

Then he pulled out his da, that’s a short Burmese knife
Then he pulled out an ax and I feared for my life
But I have to admit that things hit a new low
When he pulled out a Maori digging stick called a ko

At american college I learned what to do
My fraternity house was xi, pi, mu.
I didn’t learn much but at least I know
Exactly when it’s time to go.
I said lo, look – free whisky – isn’t that just what we need?
And as he turned to look for it I jumped upon my steed.

I rode a mile and I then rode a li
That’s a measure of distance used by the chinee (se)
But on the horizon always in hot pursuit
I could make out the shape of his gi- (judo suit)

I prayed to the gods, di – that’s plural for deus
I preyed that they might perhaps get in the wayus
Of this bloody Scotsman, his ax and my fayus
But would anyone heed my call

I couldn’t help but notice the distance shortened between us both
Because he was riding a stallion, I rode an ai – a 3 toed sloth.
I was terrified he chased me, wherever I did go
When he caught up I wet myself – having lost my travelling po.

I preyed to od, that’s an old word for god
I said wo is me and please protect my bod
But a kick in the balls from the malicious sod
Told me there would be no help at all.

He kicked me and oh! Of course I said ow!
For he kicked like the Zo – a Himalayan cow.

My first name is rolf that’s r,o,l,f.
And I am the one who will thump you to deff
He said without so much as pausing for breff
Ah! Eh! Ou! Er! Oh!

I tried to bribe him with yu –precious green jade
I offered him xu – coins, Vietnamese made.
It was clear from the start that he wouldn’t be swayed.
I could see that the end was ny.


I offered him money I offered him checks
He said he’d only be calmed by a bout of man-sex
Excuse me? You heard – m, a, n, s, e, x.
Well I had no idea he was bi.

I said ta, but no ta. I’m afraid I’m not gay.
He said neither am I. I don’t quite swing that way
I’m a lassie you see, trapped in a man’s body
Is it my fault the body is that of Bill Oddie?
So before you pass judgement, I think you should stop.
And consider the tranny, who can’t pay for his op.
You can’t say I’m exactly femininely built
More like a brick shit house – even wearing a kilt.
Oh ma, oh pa – I’m lonely Ay!
I’m so confused he said.
Then he took his da (Burmese knife)
And he cut off his own head.

He had no ba, ka or soul, no qi or life force
All of this meant he was quite dead of course.
So I think that we should now salute
This poem’s confused star.
Let us remember that poor Scotsman
With a sympathetic aw!

Electric Killer Sheep.

The next LLC theme is Myspace, and I'm compere- which I wasn't happy about. I gave up on myspace as too fiddly, so I'm no expert, but it did get me thinking about whether it's really an improvement. It's getting people writing again, which is nice. It looked as if technology would kill off the written word, as phones rendered writing obsolete, but now, e-mail and blogging have brought writing back. And e-bay and amazon have brought back getting exciting parcels in the post. It's weird, but thanks to the information super highway, I now have brown paper in the house again.

So at least the internet is something different, whereas some technology is just making things electric. And in most cases it's not necessary. The electric pencil sharpener? How hard is sharpening a pencil? Who needs to sharpen their pencil as quickly as possible and get back to their important pencil based work? If you're using a pencil, it's not that important, that's why you're doing it with a pencil.

How about the electric door? It's not hard to open a door, but it can be left open, causing a draft - so the electric door is really self closing, more than self opening. But I'll tell you where you don't need an electric door - on a toilet, on a train. I'm speaking of course of the new virgin train toilets, which have 3 buttons - open, close and lock. Why close AND lock? Who goes to the toilet on the train and doesn't take up the option of locking the door? What's more, you can't lock until the door is fully closed. This safety feature, which incidentally is a feature of traditional doors too, is to stop scally wags who would press a single close/lock button, then leap out leaving the toilet locked but empty. But most people don't know this. Which is why last time I was on a train a young woman went in, pressed close and lock together and presumed the door was locked. And 2 minutes later I pressed open and revealed her upon the throne.

And 'reveal' is the apt word, this huge curved door slides magically back, revealling the occupant like a prize in some dirty European quiz show- "Eh Paulo es victor! Eh con prizee especiale - una senioritta urinato!!!" It's like some weird pervert vending machine. We've all seen tramps checking the change slots of phones 'on the off chance'. Well, I think a similar habit will be seen on virgin trains.

In conclusion, not everything needs to be electric. And this goes for the suggestion of one of the 'most inventive people in the world' according to the ads enouraging us to teach. They do so by claiming 14 year olds aren't disgusting idiot heathens. One girl claims a good idea for an invention is 'electric killing sheep'. We've already got sheep and they run on grass, which seems highly efficient. And the fact that they don't kill you also seems like a bonus. If this girl is in your class, don't put her on televsion, send her to the school psychologist.

Gig 61. they say faither...

I tried a little character at last week's LLC. Based on an older entry in this blog (I can't be arsed to do a link so search the blog for 'combs') I'd originally thought this traditional tale would be well presented just read out in a dead pan style. In fact I'd only dug it out again to use in a possible project on the theme of happiness, which I may be helping Donnachda O'Connail with. But as Donnachda wouldn't be there I tried it in my own (rather less convincing) Irish accent, and from that it was a small step to adopt the persona of a priest. I found I had a black shirt in my wardrobe and an organ sound in my keyboard, so I thought what the hey. Anyway, the result is on the podcast, it's not top quality (you can hear Callum's notes rustling in the middle) but I may never get round to doing a better version so there it is.

Sports.

Today's LLC is about Sport. The competiton is suggestions to improve sports, and as I'm compereing most of it myself, I thught I should do some preparation. So I'm trying to have a suggestion for nearly every sport ready, so any suggested can be met with a quick and hilarious suggestion for improvment.

Golf.
Giant crazy golf. So a typical 9th hole (300 yards par 4) is an unbdulating pink aiplane runway with a windmill at the end.

Marathon.
The marathon is based on the route of the runner who took news of the battle of Marathon back to Athens. So every year another distance related to a historical battle should be attempted. Eg. The 8000 mile 'long march' of the retreating Chinese communist army.

Relay.
Sticks of dynamite replace batons. This means the runners are still competing against each other, but there's also an element of beat the clock.

Javelin.
Targets. This was originally used for fighting or hunting so they wouldn't be happy with the longest distance, they'd want acuraccy too. "300 yards? Very impressive, but the stag's over there!" The targets should idealy be mechanical ducks or giant playing cards.



diving/basketball -hoops of fire.
table tennis- the players should themselves be on another giant table. Just to freak them out.
tennis-not just clay and grass, also ice, sand and lava.
rugby-drinking games incorporated into the match.
iceskating / figure skating / Ice hockey - a few holes, with occassional killer whales attempting to eat competitiors.
polevault- a team of 3 attempt to use 1 pole.
discus - done over a lake.
hammer - must knock a nail in
high jump- over a brick wall.

Gig 60. Phew.

Woo. A good gig. Which rounds out my week to 3 good ones and 1 duff one. So I'm back on a high, and though I'm not about to forget the possible need to re-think my onstage persona, it's not the pressing need I'd thought. Cool Fun at the fish tank (above bimbis) in Durham was a joy. The organisers are all at the university, which means they have a full room of their student mates every time. It's a bit like our place when we have 3 acts from Newcastle College. Unfortunately, in the real world your mates come about every 6 months so we have to (well, ought to) work a bit harder to get a crowd. With a lot of acts and only one break I was impressed by the patience of the crowd, though it was hard to tell at times what the crowd response was. There was constant laughter, but sometimes eminating from a few mental patients dotted about the room - including a few of the organisers / regulars who were hooting like constipated apes at the back. Still, I had a very nice time. Started with the new 'snowball' bit in an effort to sound a bit more spontaneous - then did my well rehersed 5, though I was relaxed enough to forget a few bits and not care. I finished with a few completely new bits based on tomorrow's competition - improving sports. All good. And when I came off I was assured that everyone had been laughing - not just the gibbons.

Ups and downs -gigs 57-59.

A weird week with many gigs which, at this stage, leaves me tired and emotional.

Gig 57. Monday 29th. -Edinburgh Stand.
As expected a lovely gig, well recieved and laughs in all the right places. Even going on first didn't bother me.

Gig 58. Tuesday 30th. -LLC.
A bit drunk. But we were rushed so I didn't do too much anyway. I basically had a few suggestions for the competition - new reality TV shows, supposedly my explanation of 'Pimp my Pimp' was well recieved, as a few people have come up and said 'ahm the biggest pimp in darlin'ton'which brought back some vague memories.

Gig 59. Thursday 1st. - Castle Leazes Student Union.
Last night, not so good, which is why I've been in a huge funk all day. Not a total failure, there were still sporadic laughs and all the bits I thought would really work were greeted with good (though short)laughs, but it never really took off. I got the impression the crowd simply didn't accept me in the way they took to the other acts. I felt like I was really working to prove I was alright, where as people like Carl Hutchinson were just accepted. They see him and think 'I like this guy, he's going to be good' and chuckle at throwaway remarks. I get the impression some crowds see me, think 'Who's this weirdo?' and I have to work to get a reponse. (Carl also has good material too, I'm just saying his raport with the crowd is much better than mine generally is.)

I may have lost them at a point when I stupidly stopped in my joke about seeing 'the cure' to ask the young crowd if they were aware of 'the cure' and suggested they substitute Marylin Manson instead. This ruined the rythm, was patronising, and made me look even more out of date. -thinking 'the cure' are a modern goth band is bad enough, but suggesting Manson is the up to the minute alternative is worse. Also it totally destroyed the illusion that I was having a spontaneous chat.

I am seriously thinking of a massive style change. Just being me on stage isn't working, at least not often enough. It's galling that I won 'beat the frog' with the same persona and material - but I can't always get that reponse. Though I think being out of the North East helps as I can play the cheeky geordie card a bit. In the North East people sense I am in fact a slightly posh, educated, serious pseudo-Geordie and they don't buy it.

If I want a persona that works more consistantly I've got a few options.

1. I could just do character work, and pretend to be other people such as cowboys, yokels, angels, pirates etc. I would include here finding a partner and concentrating on sketch work.

2. I could pick a new persona and do my set in that voice. There's a comic who's English but performs in a welsh accent. I found this distinctly dodgy when I first heard it, but this kind of thing could work for me.

3. A similar approach, but to characterise myself. I'm actually quiet and seem to give off an unnapproachable vibe which means people don't tend to spark up casual chats. I enjoy converstaion but I'm not good at instigating it. All this is hard to fight against, so maybe I should consciously go with it. In personallity I'm much closer to Donnachda, but whereas he goes onstage as an exaggerated version of himself, I go on stage as something totally different.

This is probably the best approach- but I need to do some research, my self perception- both on and off stage- could be totally different to the impression others get. Anyway, I've got one more gig which will be basically the same as yesterday,

Gig 60. Sunday 4th. - The Fish Tank - Durham.

Maybe this will be great and I'll just put the last one down to an off night and keep going. But if it's another mild one then the work of building a new style will have to start at the next LLC.