gig 34. and Newcastle Gateshead Comedy Festival.

Gig 34 was another trip to Manchester's Pleasure bar with Cal. A good gig in all, though not well attended, they're being beaten by the Summer as is most comedy. At one point it looked like we'd be playing to a handful, but then filled up nicely at the last minute. However, at the first break a group of about 10 lads left, gutting the audience back to the original handful. Still they were apreciative enough.

I had planned to bump my set up to 10 by including new stuff, such as the windfarm joke (They're ugly, why not have a model of two guys sawing wood on the top.), which I'd planned to come back to at random points, Harry Hill style. (If they cant afford a model just pay a couple of fellows.) But an earlier comic overran, and we were told to keep it tight. I went on with the intention of doing the new stuff anyway, as it would still come in at around 9 minutes but as I hadn't worked the new stuff into my act I had to write some notes on my hand. The problem is, if I do this, I end up looking at it whether I need to or not. So I had a slightly hesitant start, checking my arm between gags. I decided not to bother and when I hit the core of my usual material just went with that, getting a nice finish with two big laughs for my australia bit.

So, It'll be the next LLC when I try out my new stuff. (if it's not windy, give it a push.) Including some explanation of the 70's shirt which will probably be my stage costume over the coming months.

Also, a meeting we had in place of the cancelled LLC gig has borne fruit. It looks like the LLC at the D and P will be a minor, but still official partner of the Newcastle Gateshead Comedy Festival. We aren't doing that much, but then we aren't really experienced enough to be a big part of a major festival, instead Al, Cal and I will organise the D and P as a venue for some of our more experienced friends to do their elongated shows over the course of a week. So come along for an hour in the company of John Scott, Steffen Peddie and Vladimir Mc Tavish. Oh, and we have kept one day for ourselves, so under the banner 'The best of Long Live Comedy' we'll be doing about 20 minutes each of all the best bits we've concocted while at the LLC. It may be a small start, but we're all pretty happy just to know we're in the offical program with the big boys. (Probably in a smaller font, but what the hey.)
NEXT GIG;

TUESDAY 11TH OF JULY. SHOW STARTS 9.00 -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2

LLC CANCELLED. and further punishment.

Bad news everyone. The Long live comedy night on the 27th June, tomorrow, has been cancelled. Not our fault, but the venue management has pulled it for some reason. Hopefully this is a mere blip and we will see you again on the 11th of July.

I had loads of ideas for this one too, honest. After writing about the puns, thought we should introduce a whip, or possibly a lion tamer's chair, to supress anti-pun protests. Whenever a pun-ish puchline is met with a groan, the comic could reach for the chair, 'Back, back you mutinous dogs!' I think this would work, because it seems the groan is often a sign of grudging respect / enjoyment, and it only takes a little pressure to make the audience admit that, yes, pun or no, that was actually quite good. This response to the groan is one of the few times when turning on the audience can have (almost) guaranteed good results. I've see comics fight back againt the groan with anything from 'Well, I don't care, I'm keeping it in the set' to 'Ah, fuck off, that's a mint joke.' The truth is, a groan is (sort of) positive, if they really hated the joke they wouldn't even bother groaning. Hence one can cajoal and bluff the audience and change a groan into a growing laugh or even a round of applause. It just takes a little chutzpah.

The best example of this I saw was at the LLC when James Christopher got a groan, and replied with a sarcastic 'Oh, so you don't like puns in the 'dog and parrot' then.' which totally won the crowd over. What's most interesting is that it doesn't even make sense. He said it as if pointing out the Irony / hypocracy of regulars of a venue with a pun in the title disliking puns. But, as we all reallised 10 seconds later when we stopped laughing, the 'dog and parrot' isn't a pun. Yeah, it potentially has two meanings, the name of a pub and two animals, but it's not a pun. If James had been playing a hair salon and had said, 'Oh, so you don't like puns in 'curl up and dye' then.' - he'd have had a point.

Sometimes it's the way you tell 'em.

NEXT GIG;

TUESDAY 11TH OF JULY. SHOW STARTS 9.00 -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2

Crimes of Punishment.

People have a love hate relationship with the pun. I don't mind a good pun, but audiences as a whole will often meet a pun with an audible groan, even if it's followed by a laugh that shows they did like it.

Why? I think the pun is often a riddle instead of a joke. Or both at the same time. Of course, in the world of '1000 Jokes for Kids' and ice lolly sticks there's often no distinction. Some people think 'What's black and white and re(a)d all over? -a newspaper.' is a joke. It's not, it's a riddle in the 'riddle-me-this, batman' sense. He was the riddler, not the joker. They were two characters, they were nice and seperate in Gotham city. But some things fobbed off as jokes are just riddles, logic puzzles, like the things Bilbo and Gollum do in the cave. '30 red horses on a white hill, fist they champ, then they stamp, then they stand still, what are they?' The answer is teeth. And it's not funny. Actually in this case it's also a shit riddle as well as not being a joke. -It kind of works but not in an 'oh yeah! That's very good, that is.' but more in a 'oh yeah! That's very good, that is.' -With the second one said in a kind of grudgingly admiting it works type voice.

A good pun is funny, but is also a kind of riddle. Unlike some aspects of comedy, where the punchline is totally unexpected, in puns there is enough for the audience to work it out. You've introduced the two concepts which could invlove the same word.

1. 'My grandmothers very confused and forgettful'

2. 'She can no longer organise her collection of chat show host autographs.'

So when the punchline comes;

'She may have Parkinson's.'

There's a laugh, but a groan too. Possibly expressing 'Oh, I should have worked that out.' I don't know. But maybe a pun that works is a puzzle the audience couldn't work out. The comedy of the smart arse. I am the riddler, and I have confounded you again.

And no one likes a smug twat in a green leotard.

NEXT GIG;

EDINBURGH STAND, TONIGHT.

TUESDAY 27TH OF JUNE. SHOW STARTS 9.00 -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

Gig 33.

Another good gig at the stand in Edinburgh. I went on first but the crowd were already up for it and nicely settled. I had one scary moment when I overheard the compare from backstage, he was talking about the 'where the bloody hell are ya?' Australia ads, which I was going to talk about. I was lucky to have heard. He took it a different way, so I could still do my stuff, but I no longer had to do the introduction, if I'd ploughed on as normal there would probably have been a weird silence which might have thrown me. Anyway, alright in the end. Everyone went down well, which was a tribute both to the crowd and the fact that the acts know their onions.

The only slight problem was recording my act. My dictaphone's starting to get a bit temperamental so when I asked callum to tape my bit, I explained that it sometimes needs a bit of a goggle and squeeze to keep it going (a loose wire somewhere). Callum thought he'd done it, but it seems he'd started it going, watched me and after the show when he looked down again he saw it was still running and presumed all was well. In the car, though, when I listened back, I heard...

"Mr. Pete Thompson... Hello, I'm gonna start tonight with a joke my nephew told me...shhhhwuuuuzeeeeewhhuuuu....Pete Thompson, thanks very much, good night."

We haven't had any for a while but...

TOP TIP: LISTEN TO THE ACT BEFORE YOU, IN CASE THEY DO THE SAME GAGS. REPLACE YOUR TAPE RECORDER WHEN IT STARTS TO MESS UP.

Gig 32,33. LLC and Edinburgh-the return.

Oh dear, another week without a post, i'm really falling behind here. But another Edinburgh gig tonight so I'm having a rare day devoted to comedy. Most of which will be updating the LLC site.

Gig 32 was the LLC- check there for the whole review, which should be up today. My contribution was fairly weak this week, a few ideas but not really developed enough to be called 'comedy' - still at the 'chatting in the pub' level. I might develop something out of these later, so for my own records, I talked about;

The summer. When I asked 'Is everyone enjoying the summer?' it got the usual half-cheer of agreement, but given that everyone in the room had chosen to be in the dark, rather than outside watching Brazil play football, It didn't quite ring true. Comedy fans are one step away from goths. I mentioned a Cure concert I'd been to in my goth days, where Robert Smith had got excited enough to ask, 'Is everyone having a good time?' 2000 goths went 'yeahhhh!' then, a second later, 'Oh shit. Noooo!'

I talked of designer sunglasses - this just means that someone designed them. The only alternative is if they grown on trees - not designer but the product of natural selection. Or accidental sunglasses, like if you were claring out the shed and smashed a jam jar full of fuse wire and it somehow miraculously formed a pair of raybans.

I also mentioned the Evans manequins I've already written about on here. Still, none of it really worked, and I'm at a loss as to what to do next time, as I'm in a bit of a dry patch. This did have me slightly worried about tonight's gig. At the moment I'm still too busy with my dissertation to chase people up and beg for gigs, but when Cal and Al (Thanks lads) find a gig with an extra spot I'll show up and do it. So I wasn't really prepared when this one roled around. Luckily, last time at Edinbburgh's Stand, I taped the show and listening back was fun. I remembered it as going 'pretty well' but actually listening again and hearing a nice strong laugh after every line really bucked me up. Because I'd half-forgotten the gig it was like listening to a sit-com, with the soundman pressing 'FX.No.3-(hearty laugh)' after every line. So gig 33 should be another good one - apart from the 5 hour round trip. An hour in the car for a minute on stage. Why do we do it? (Seriously, Why do we do it?- We must be freaking nuts.)


NEXT GIG;

EDINBURGH STAND, TONIGHT.

TUESDAY 27TH OF JUNE. SHOW STARTS 9.00 -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

Some girls are bigger than others.

It's that time again, tomorrow is the Long Live Comedy live show at the Dog and Parrot, come down one and all. Now that we're competing with the sun and the football it may be a little difficult to drum up interest. At 9 o'clock yesterday the sun was still streaming in through the windows, and it's tempting just to do the show on outside on the grass. But as the nearest bit of grass is probably a 10 minute walk to leazes park, it's not really an option. The Summer is the quiet season for comedy, with the exception of the Edinburgh festival, but we'll struggle on and see what happens. Your guess is as good as mine. I'm not even sure who's on as Al (keeper of the bookings diary) is away at some 'pop' festival until tonight, and his Myspace site has shut down - possibly due to complaints at his relentless use of rude words.

On other matters...
I noticed that 'Evans', the store for the larger lady, has finally produced some larger lady manequins. Slightly scary. I've got nothing againt big girls, it's just that we're used to manequins based on the anorexic supermodel template. Even the youngsters shopping in topshop rarely look as svelte as the dummies, and the same skinny manequines in Marks and Sparks make the difference between the shopper and dummies even more obvious. I think M&S only make size 8's now to put on the manequins. The new Evans dummies aren't even that big, they actually look like most of the women who shop in M&S, the world is clearly not ready for shop dummies that acurately portrey what the customers might look like. Still - when all you've seen is dummies of perfect proportions these slightly chunky plastic women are a bit of a shock. Put it this way, next door to Evans is Virgin, and for the last month that's had a 6-foot plastic 'Kong' in the window, but it's no longer the oddest thing in Northumberland street.


NEXT GIG;

TUESDAY 13TH OF JUNE. SHOW STARTS 9.00 -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2

'You've done what?'

Once upon a time there lived a couple who, after many years, together were still very much in love. Unfortunately, they had fallen on hard times and as Christmas drew near they had little money for presents. The husband, however, felt his wife deserved a present and was determined to find a way to afford it. Passing a shop one day hew saw a beautiful pair of combs. 'How wonderful those would look in my wife's hair.' he thought. But how could he buy them? The only thing of value he had was his gold pocket watch. He was proud of the watch, even though it did not have a chain and hung from his waistcoat by a simple ribbon. He decided at once to sell the watch and buy his wife the combs.

On Christmas morning they exchanged gifts. He opened the gift from his wife, and was astonished to see a handsome gold watch-chain. 'My dear,' he said 'This is truly a wondrous gift, but I have sold my watch to buy your gift, still I will wear it with pride, thank you.' His wife looked disappointed, but then smiled. 'It is a shame you now have a chain but no watch, but your gift to me is that you would sell your treasured watch to make me happy.' Pleased, the man presented his gift, the beautiful combs. 'Oh, my,' said his wife 'It seems we have both chosen unwisely, for to buy your present I have sold my hair.'

'You've done what?' said her husband.
And removing her bonnet she revealed she was as bald as a coot.
'Still, my gift to you is the sacrifice I have made, trying to make you happy..'
'Are you a mental? How did you think selling your hair was in any way going to make me happy?'
'...how funny. Now that you've given me combs, selling my hair appears quite foolish.'
'Appears quite foolish? Even if I'd bought you a fucking playstation, selling your hair would still have been the stupidest thing you've ever done!'
'Ha, ha! How ironic!'
'You're missing the point! Forget about the ironic miss-match! You're fucking bald woman!'
'Ha, ha. My mother will be quite tickled.'
'Right, I'm off to sell this watch-chain and buy you a wig. Merry bloody Christmas.


NEXT GIG;

TUESDAY 13TH OF JUNE. SHOW STARTS 9.00 -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

3 second rule.

I was thinking today about the 3 second rule as applied to dropped food. If you pick it up within 3 seconds the germs don't have time to latch on, so it's fine to eat. I agree with this generally, I think we've gotten too finickity about food, there's been a huge increase in people being allergic to stuff, which I am sure is mostly a fashion statement.

But I do wonder where it came from. It's hard to imagine people of a more genteel age buying into this. Perhaps rationing started it off. I can imagine the brave struggling housewife of the 40's,

"Oh look mother, this chop's fallen on the floor, I'll throw it away shall I?"
"Oh no, Timmy that's alright... actually it's the last one, if we threw it away, father would have to go without."
"Mummy, are we... are we poor?"
"Goodness no Timmy! It's just that thanks to that beastly Mr. Hitler, there's not enough food to go round."
"He certainly is a rotter isn't he mummy?"
"Yes. But don't worry the chop will be fine."
"But it's filthy mummy, it's got all bits on it. We shall catch nasty diseases."
"No, it's alright if you pick it up nice and quick."

Later when father returns,

"Oh, how I hate lying to them so, watching them eat that beastly germ ridden filth!"
"We have to, just like when we tell them sleeping in the air raid shelter is playing at Eskimos."

A sense of proportion is need. A few bugs never did anyone any harm. Learn from the woman who rang the US poisons advice beuro when her daughter was sitting in the garden eating ants. 'No they won't do any harm' said the adviser. 'Oh good' said the mother, 'I gave her some ant killer just in case.'

If it's good enough for Mogli, it's good enough for anyone.

NEXT GIG;

TUESDAY 13TH OF JUNE. SHOW STARTS 9.00 -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

Gig 31- so you think you're funny.

Saturday night was the Glasgow competition heat. It went pretty well all considered, I didn't get the best reception of the night - unlike Al in Leeds - but I think I may still be in with a chance. I'm hoping they'll go for stuff that stands out as being different, and the focus for most comics still seems to be personal, where they're from, relationships, drunken stories etc. and more than a few had a couple of old or reworked jokes in their set. Hopefully my stuff about Isombard Kingdom Brunel in primary school might stick in the judges' memories. Having said that, I'm not as original as I'd like, I've drifted into a set full of references to old TV shows -(Remember the 70's -hilarious!)

Most of the other comics were Scotts and most mentioned a few place names that got laughs for some reason. You're from XXXX? Well don't worry this is 'electricity'. etc. I got to thinking that the familiarity makes these really funny to those that know the places concerned. A lot of comedy is pointing out a detail that everyone knows, but no one's noticed. (Oh yeah, we do do that don't we.)

I heard victoria wood's song 'Lets do it.' about a middle aged couple, the woman fancies a bit of fun and tires to talk her husband into it. It's the details that are funny. It's not that she wants to be 'beaten on the bottom' that's funny, it's the fact that she suggests using a 'Woman's weekly'. It's the little details of hum-drum surburban life that make it great - hostess trollies, avocados, flame proof nighties.

And maybe if you stay local this is at once easier, and funnier, because you can be even more specific. But it means the humour doesn't travel. Some of the material that got the biggest laughs in Glasgow probably won't work elsewhere, and if one of these guys wins the trip to Montreal (part of the prize) they'll have to write a new set the canadians understand.

Having said that though, so would I. I used to take a pride in not being regional, but I'm just using different crutches instead. In Montreal they wouldn't know about Michael Parkinson, Terry Wogan, Ballamorey, Isombard Kingdom Brunel, the Big Issue, Australia adverts - in fact most of my set would be down the pan. Still, if you write without presuming any shared cultural heritage what DO you talk about?


NEXT GIG;

TUESDAY 13TH OF JUNE. SHOW STARTS 9.00 -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

Getting ready for Glasgow.

Today I've given myself the day off from student work, and am devoting myself to getting a good set for the Glasgow heat of 'so you think you're funny?'

I'll stick with my core set including frankenstein food and the bit about Brunel. The last manchester gig knocked my confidence in the material, and in my preparation - but a listen to the same routine at the stand in Edinburgh convinced me the material is good, but the preparation is still lacking.

Cal and Al - and most comics we see - have copious notes they study in the hour before going on. Al always types his stuff out, pretty much as he's planning to say it. I can't do this when I get to the venue, as by that time I feel I either know it or I don't and it's too late to learn it if I don't. However, I used to do the same kind of preparation, only at home. But lately I've been winging it a bit and it's shown. But not tomorrow. I'm hoping for a studenty audience similar to Edinburgh's Stand. But if I get one of the notoriously tough Glasgow crowds, I want to make it through the material without hesitation, repetition or deviation - even if I do it in silence.

So what will I do? Well, I'll trim the fat off the above routine and then add the knighthoods joke, silks and spices, wind farms and australia. (If you don't know these jokes you can search the blog for keywords.) If i'm still too short I might have to take the guitar - but this is a gamble in itself as playing badly ruins the joke, Even when doing the cowboy, which is the oldest musical routine I have, I've sometimes started all off key and ruined it. Also, the easiest addition would be 'Planet of the apes' - but that adds a whole two minutes which is probably too much. I could do a short music bit but isn't it weird to take a guitar onstage for one musical quickie? Saying that, I have seen people take guitars (and ventriloquist dummies) on stage and the joke is they don't use them. Christian Steele has a visual Joke where he brings a big guitar case on stage, opens it and takes out a ukelele. He usually goes on to play it, but sometimes he doesn't bother.

Right- I'm off to type up my routine. I may post again later to say how I'm getting on.

NEXT GIGS:
SATURDAY 3RD OF JUNE.
-GLASGOW, 'SO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY?' HEATS
Laurie's Bar, 34 King Street, Glasgow, G1 5QT


TUESDAY 13TH OF JUNE. SHOW STARTS 9.00 -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.