lazy tv ideas.

It's been a while since we had a ecent competition at the LLC, so I thought long and hard and remembered something we can steal from lee and herring.

They would brainstorm lazy comedy ideas for the BBC, based on real programmes. Their ideas would usually include characters called Ian - a running joke which also featured in Sunday Heroes, with one of the disciples being called Ian. Programme examples included:

Roll Reversal
Ian Roll is a driving instructor, Ian Reversal is a baker. They swap jobs, etc. With hilarious consequences.

Chalk and Cheese
Ian Chalk and Ian Cheese are two men. They are very different. However, they eventually become friends and realise they are not so different after all. With hilarious consequences.

Bent Coppers
Ian and Iain Bent are brothers who are policemen. One is corrupt and the other is homosexual. They both suffer from curvature of the spine, and they're made of copper. With hilarious consequences.

Fruit and Nuts
Ian Fruit and Ian Nuts are room-mates. Ian Fruit is allergic to nuts and Ian Nuts is allergic to fruit. Ian Nuts is a homicidal maniac. Consequently, he's always trying to sneak fruit and nuts into everything they eat. With hilarious consequences.

Dangerous animals on the podcast.

A new podcast- the first performance of my song 'dangerous animals' at LLC Dog and Parrot. I thought I needed a new song to end the Edinburgh show, so over a few days I wrote this. It went down better than I could have hoped, so it's now the big finish to my section of the show. I wasn't sure if I should put this up, as if someone likes it and comes to see the show because they listened to it, then 33% of the show will be hearing this again. So if you're not going to edinburgh, and you've no chance of seeing me live in the near future, listen to this. If you're coming then don't spoil it- see it for real the first time (Though by all means have a look at the podcast for the older stuff which I may never do again.) Either way, click 'Pete's Podcast' in the links.

Little Chefs and camp cakes.

I had the morning off after working on Saturday, but had to waste it going to the doctor about an inflamed eye-lid. I did get to go to Birtley Home Bakery afterwards, as I'd been as good as gold and very brave. I had one of their peach melbas. This is a fantastically british invention. A pastry case contains a tiny lump of tinned peach, this is covered in a pile of cream roughly the size of a tennis ball, and the cream is then encased in a thick layer of icing. In this so called 'peach' melba there is probably about 1/8 of a peach. Or in other words, if you tried to get your 5 a day via peach melbas, you'd have to eat 40. That's 14,000 calories. A week's worth.

Anyway, walking back to the car I noticed I was walking very camply- arm horizontally forward from the elbow, pinching the top of the bag between thumb and first two fingers, ring and pinky extended. (I mean fingers. It wasn't THAT camp.) But it seems this is the only way to carry a single cream cake once it's placed in a paper bag and given a little twist so the point is at the top. I tried swinging it manfully at my side as you would a sports bag, but I had to swing gently and crook my arm a little to prevent it bashing on my thigh. If anything, this was even worse.

On another food related note, while going to gigs I've sometimes stopped at the little chef. I got to thinking that maybe they really do only emply little chefs, as their name and logo implies. Perhaps a lot of failed jockeys drift into the work.

'Oh jaysus, wid'ya look at that, now? I can't even see the fekin grill. A right bloody shambles this is turning owt te be. Somebody wants what, basil? An' here's me with a spice rack half way up the bastard wall.'

gig 72, 73 and edinburgh prep.

\Gig 72 was the eventual showing of our guide to churchill, which went down pretty well. 'It's nice when we're the best thing on, isn't it?'-said Al. I know what he means, plenty of times we're outshone by other performers at the gigs we organise. This is just as it should be, there's no way we could be the best thing week in week out, with so many other great people performing. But it's nice that when we do (occassionally) make an effort and do something new, different and with a bit of thought and sweat in it, it usually does end up being a highlight of the show. gig 73 was my first attempt compereing the Chilli. I took lots of cards onstage, to help me remember names, times, rules etc, I figured I either wouldn't need them, then I'd play them down- or I would need them, so I'd make it really obvious and do a new comedy character 'bad compere man'. It was a bit of both in the end, but the night as a whole was so good that nobody minded my occassional mistakes (Such as calling Sahra Millican 'Kate'-I am an arse.)

Cal's already checking out Edinburgh, and has warned us of low numbers and unenthusiastic audiences. Well, I was kind of expecting that. You can't expect the same reaction at 3.30 in the afternoon as at 9.00 in the evening (most people aren't that drunk yet.) Also, almost paradoxically, if it's free people come but expect it to be pretty poor (as it's free) whereas if you charge, people don't come at all. But at least we all know what were doing. According to Cal many people were still scribbling on beermats before they started their festival shows.