Notebooks.

I've been carrying my mini notebooks about, but have now got a pile, and never know which one is the current, so I've had a clear out. Here's all the ideas from them that haven't been used in some form already. Some of these aren't jokes yet, and some never will be but here you go...

The posh flush buttons in the dog and parrot toilets, which is actually 2 buttons in 1, so you can select a light or vigorous flush - this seemed out of place in a toilet with no paper and no door.

I've got something about movies with twists, such as 'The Village'- the point being they don't look interesting enough to bother watching until you know the twist. But when you do know the twist, well you know it already so you don't want to watch again.

The difference between us and America - we don't have the right to bare arms. But it's not often warm enough for a T-shirt anyway.

All Daves are nice. Dave Grohl of the Foo Fighters - nicest bloke in rock, Good old David Jason - Del Boy and perfick pop larkin. It's hard to think of a Dave who isn't alright. But some names go the other way - try to think of a nice Adolf.

We should have euphemisms for everything, not just rude stuff. 'I was just sinking the porcelain fleet' - washing the dishes.

'I like your shoes- Where'd you get them?'
'Camper.'
'Oooh. I like your shoes!'

When the queen opens an art gallery - 'Got, Got, need, got...'

Animal rights protesters throw blood over people wearing fur, Where'd they get it? They're either very hypocrites or very committed.

Sod's Law - if something can go long it will. (Well, you wouldn't expect someone called 'sod' to be an optimist.)

NEW DEFINITION - Stigmata - dirty marks on the hands and feet which mark someone out as a true devotee of Stig of the dump.

STILL HAVEN'T TRIED THIS LINE; Silks and Spices - this is what explorers always bring back. Why? To impress girls. 'Put your frock on love, were going for a curry.'

One of Jimi Hendrix' most famous moments was playing the Star Spangled Banner at Woodstock. It's actually a cover - he didn't even write it.

I might try some of these at the LLC tonight. I'll be either preparing for Wed with new stuff to bring my act up to the required time, or if that's cancelled (possible according to a cryptic message from Al) I'll finally get to give my cowboy stuff another airing - before it goes back in with the mothballs.


TUESDAY 2ND OF MAY. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
THE 4TH 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

WEDNESDAY 3RDTH OF MAY.
SOMEWHERE IN MANCHESTER.