Hello Fans of Long live comedy! I presume the only people who might still find this have clicked through the link from log live comedy. I was one of the founder members, but now with 2 small kids i don't have much time for comedy anymore. However, if you're just getting in to stand up you might find some of this interesting. The earlier posts, will tell you about how long live was set up, how i used to develop ideas and early gigs. New comics might be interested in comparing the experience with their own. I don't think there'll be any new posts, but i'll still see comments so any questions will be answered. Hope this entertains / informs someone.

crazy miniature golf

Is it miniature golf or crazy golf? It's not really miniature. The ball's the same size, the stick's the same size, the hole's the same size. The hole's just nearer. Nearer golf is what it should be called. Miniature golf would mean tiny weanie clubs and balls. And to play it you'd have to be shrunk down all tiny weanie. And then it'd feel exactly the same- pointless.

But it's not that crazy either. The oddest thing you're likely to find is the windmill. You hit your ball in the front - it comes out the back. Not that strange really. If you hit the ball into the windmill and it groaned, clutched it's belly with its wings and said 'Ya got me, oh lord, ya got me!' and 'Hold me, it's getting dark, so... cold...' and died in your arms - that'd be pretty crazy.

In fact normal golf is the strangest of the lot. Imagine 'crazy' golf was invented first, then somone came up with 'normal' golf..

-I've taken up a new knid of golf.
Really?
-Yeah. You know the hole? It's like 300 yards away.
Shit off!
-No, really. And you need like 10 different sticks to hit it. And it costs about 30 quid a game.
Bollocks!
-And you have to dress like Val Doonican, and sometimes you hit it so far you need a special little car to drive to the ball.
That. is. mental.

Gig 96.

I'm back! I've had a baby everyone - the gorgeous George. And if that wasn't enough I've also been incredibly busy at work, so I haven't blogged in about 6 months. But I also haven't written anything or done any gigs so I'd have nothing to write about anyway. But last week I forced myself to do a new 5 minutes at the dog and parrot. Most of it was bobins, I've been away too long and my comedy filter isn't working. One thing that did stick was a version of the Jam's That's entertainment. Do you know it?

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT - Paul Weller
A police car and a screaming siren -
A pnuematic drill and ripped up concrete -
A baby waiting and stray dog howling -
The screech of brakes and lamplights blinking -
that's entertainment.

A smash of glass and the rumble of boots -
An electric train and a ripped up 'phone booth -
Paint splattered walls and the cry of a tomcat -
Lights going out and a kick in the balls -

that's entertainment.

Days of speed and slow time Mondays -
Pissing down with rain on a boring Wednesday -
Watching the news and not eating your tea -
A freezing cold flat and damp on the walls -

that's entertainment.

Waking up at 6 a.m. on a cool warm morning -
Opening the windows and breathing in petrol -
An amateur band rehearsing in a nearby yard -
Watching the tele and thinking about your holidays -

that's entertainment.
Waking up from bad dreams and smoking cigarettes -
Cuddling a warm girl and smelling stale perfume -
A hot summers' day and sticky black tarmac -
Feeding ducks in the park and wishing you were faraway -

that's entertainment.

Two lovers kissing amongst the scream of midnight -
Two lovers missing the tranquility of solitude -
Getting a cab and travelling on buses -
Reading the grafitti about slash seat not fares -

that's entertainment.

Well that doesn't sound very entertaining to me, so I came up with...

A morcombe and wise christmas special
Bruce forsyth spinning plates on the geneation game
an hour long episode of the new dr. who
but not christopher ecleston, he was a bit po faced.

that's entertainment.

Watching allo allo on a dreary Sunday
The fallen madonna with the big boobies, good moaning
a monkey heavy episode of you've been framed
a crash on top gear and clarkson's in a wheel chair.

that's entertainment.

Royal Navy Submarine- There's more below the surface.

The theme is advertising at LLC tonight, a subject most comics have a bit on. I saw a poster with the above title and picture promoting the royal navy. I know what they were going for. They're trying for a play on words. Life on a submarine isn't what you expect. There's more to it. There are a huge variety of roles and skills in play, the crew contains scientists, chefs, navigators, people with language, computer and communications skills. There's more below the surface. That's what they're going for. But when you see a big picture of a rising submarine, and the words 'There's more below the surface' the actual impression given is that this poster is there to inform me that there's more bits of submarine under the water. If this is news to you, don't join the navy. The last thing they need is someone turning up on the first day of training saying;

'Hang on. How are 200 of us supposed to get in there? It's only about a foot tall, apart from that sticky up bit.'

'No, there's more of it under the water.'

'Oh right.'

Voyager.

Floating through space now somewhere is the voyager space craft. And on the side is this picture to show any aliens what we look like. And we're naked. Is this the first impression we want to give? They might be impressed by the technology, but they'll be picturing our scientists building it naked. There's also a record with some Beethoven on it (that's just wrong anyway- a space ship with an LP, it's like having a car with a sundial.) But even if they're impressed by the music, they'll be imagining the whole orchestra in the nuddy. And the record, to make sure it doesn't warp or rust, is made of solid gold. That's just dangerous. Aliens think we're so rich we make our LP's out of gold, and we flounce about in the nude - We're just asking to get mugged.

So aliens will expect us to be nude. But we expect aliens to be nude, when the little grey men come out of the space ship they're allways nude. ET was nude and that's for kids. Why? Who invents intergalactic travel before pants?

jet pack crimp.

Practicing my crimping today. If you're not in the know, it's a form of rap/song/poetry/spokenword/nonsense invented by the mighty boosh. All the kids are doing it daddio. Didn't you even know that? Get with it grandad.

Jet Pack Crimp

See the flying fox, Oh.
Is he just a bat?
No, a proper fox with a proper jet pack.
Strapped on his red back
Reasonable jet pack
Buy 3 get 1 free
4 pack of jet packs
nice set of jet packs
suit a pack of pack rats
Don't forget the pack-a-mack
Windy up there
Layers
Layers
Vest and T-shit
Long Sleeved T-shirt
shirt and jersey
What about a waistcoat?
No, that's going too far, Just put your jacket on.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
Argile, Harris, Orkney, Mull!

Bloody Hooligans.

I was clearing the rubbish out of my small front garden. Usually this gets me pretty angry, it's full of trash because thoughtless arseholes just dump their crap on the streets and it ends up stuck in my bushes. Bloody kids and layabout drunks! But I've noticed that about a quater of the rubbish is plastic poppy petals that have blown down from the war memorial at the end of the street. Bloody veterans! Honouring their dead! They don't think about the consequenses though do they? They go off fighting in two world wars, but who's got to clear up the mess? Muggins here, that's who.

Mcwirter Twins - and other guff cleared out of the notebook.

NEW DEFINITIONS:
Carpets - The spiders that live in your wing mirrors.
Warthogs - Geordies' clothes. (I heard this one on ISIHAC)

I'm a workaholic, I can't work without drinking.

Who invented fabric softener? Why are we buying something that weakens our clothes.

There was a craze at school where everyone wanted a diver's watch. 'My birthday last week, got this, tells the time 200 metres underwater.' I went one better, got a vulcanologist's calculator. 'Got this, does sums at 500 degrees centigrade.' Why did anyone want a diver's watch? If I'm 200 metres underwater I'm concerned with getting to the surface- I don't care if I'm later for a meeting when I get there.

Parents can be cruel. Take the Mcwirter twins, Norris Mcwirter and his brother Ross, Co founders of the Guiness book of records. If you've got twins, and you call one Ross, don't call the other one something that sounds suspitiously like 'No Ross.'

'Congratulations Mrs. Mcwriter, are these the boys?'

'Yes, this is my beautiful first born Ross.'

'And the other one?'

'Oh, him. He's no ross.'

'What?'

'Noriss, he's Noriss.'


What's that little hole you can open up on the side of your hoover hose? Surely that just means there's less air sucking in at the end you're using to suck up dirt.

WORST LYRIC EVER?
Lindisfarne -Lady Eleanor.

"She tied my eyes with ribbon of a silken ghostly thread
I gazed with double vision on an old four poster bed
Where Eleanor had risen to kiss the neck below my head."

Where's your other neck then?