Fireworks.

Fireworks. Invented by the ancient chinese and used as weapons before settling down to their current role as attractive night time displays, perfect to celebrate New Year, or commemorate the execution of Catholic terrorists.

But when did the Chinese stop using fireworks as weapons? Or why did they start? Because they're not that dangerous. Well, compared to other holiday decorations, they are. They probably cause more injuries than birthday balloons or fairy lights. But compared to actual weapons they're fairly safe. Some stupid kids still have fights with fireworks (bottle rockets in the graveyard) and occasionally someone loses an eye. But that's hardly enough to hold back the mongol hoards. How do you conduct warfare with fireworks?

1. Light your sparklers.

2. Allow to burn until half way down.

3. Drop in the vicinity of the enemy.

4. Watch as the fascinated enemy pick up the sparklers. Half will now receive a nasty burn on the hand.

NEXT GIG;

The first in a month owing to the cancellation of the last show, so it's packed this week -
Paul Gerrard. Les Paul Marshall. Scott McClould. Phil Buckley. Christian Steel and joining us at the last minute - Steffen Peddie and Sahra Millican. So not too much fannying about from your 3 hosts this week, just bring on the acts. But there's always room for the weekly competition - this week, mother in law jokes! How cutting edge are we?

TUESDAY 11TH OF JULY. SHOW STARTS 9.00 -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2