Notebooks.

Nearly out of the woods as far as my work goes, so I can start allowing myself half an hour a day to write this. Today the contents of the latest mini note book I always carry round.

I've never had much luck with women, I think they're intimidated by my raw femininity.

People complain wind farms are unattractive, why don't they just put a modle of two guys sawing a log on the top.

I once worked in a library. The pay was rubbish, but I could borrow as many books as I wanted for free.

Have you heard of the freegans? They're like vegans, but they help the environment by not adding to the consumer culture, they just use stuff people throw away. So they get their food from bins outside sandwich shops, there's already a word for people who do that isn't there? Tramps.

Foreign words sound stupid when you translate them.

Ein - one. Stein - beer glass. If Albert Einstein had been british he'd have been Albert one glass. How far would he get with that name? 'I've invented relaticvity!' 'Shut up one-cup! -pissed again.'

Gran prix. Big prize. That sounds like something out of the beano. 'Come on Pie face and Curly - lets design a super cartie to beat the softies and win the big prize.'

Because of the fins and spoliers formula one are pushed down into the road so they can handle really well. They could actually drive on the ceiling, so why the hell don't they? It's so boring now, you might as well watch scaletrics. Why don't they fake it like wrestling? 'Here's Schumaker, going into the final bend, and what's this, he's stopped and got out of the car, and -I don't believe it - he's gone to the sign saying 'Big race Finish line' and he's turned the arrow around. Now it's pointing into that disused mine, well this could cause problems for coulthard.'

I'll try a few bits of this in my compere duties tonight. Plus a new competition which means me, cal and al have to dance - why did that sound like a good idea.


NEXT GIG:
TUESDAY 30TH OF MAY. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START. -
'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

SATURDAY 3RD OF JUNE.
-GLASGOW, 'SO YOU THINK YOU'RE FUNNY?' HEATS.