My dog’s got no nose.

I've been told off for not writing often enough - it seems i do have a few readers out there, but they're getting pissed of logging on and finding nothing new. (be warned, i never do weekends) But i've had a bit of writers block lately and i don't want to write rubbish for the sake of it. So i was trawling through some old files and remembered some old disks too. Our computer doesn't even have a disk drive anymore, so after a trip to Gateshead library to use their pitifully archaic 'number engines' I managed to e-mail myself a load of old odds and sods. Here's a poem based on the old joke...

My dog’s got no nose.
A man said to me
And I wasn’t sure how to react.
It’s a delicate situation and it wants to be handled with tact.
But I wanted to show proper sympathy so I asked him–
How does it smell?
Meaning, does it have olfactory powers at all,
or were they all shot to hell?
Unfortunately, he misread me – or so I’m inclined to think
As he took my harmless question to mean –
does your poor maimed doggy stink?
How does he smell? I asked him.
‘Awful’ he said with a grin
So he didn’t seem to mind it, he took it on the chin.

My dog’s got no nerves, he said.
How’s he feel?
He’s not bitter.
A double blow for the poor old dog,
Yet he told me with a titter.

My dog’s got no tongue he said.
Good god! This dog must envy the dead.
No nose, no nerves, no tongue in its head.
I was starting to get suspicious.
How does he taste? I asked.
Delicious.

As I feared.
The guy’s weird.
He must have hurt the creature himself
That’s why he was so blasé
I looked into the eyes of a killer
And thought –what would Rolf Harris say?

My dog’s got no eyes. This made no sense of course
– my dog had no eyes surely.
He’d eaten the dog with no sign of remorse.
After torturing it most cruelly.
Unless god no, he’d plucked out the eyes and eaten those alone?
I pictured the staggering creature, searching blindly for his bone.
Ask me how he looks, - I heard him very calmly utter
How he sees –would have been correct-
But don’t argue with a nutter.
So, How does he look? I asked.
He’s not a pretty sight.
I mumbled my excuses and fled into the night.

Before I’d recovered from the shock
He said here’s one more for you.
My poor old dog, he’s got no cock.
How does he fuck?
It’s true!


NEXT GIGS:

SUNDAY 2ND OF APRIL.
MIDDLESBOROUGH GONG SHOW

TUESDAY 4TH OF APRIL. 8.30 FOR A 9.00 START.
THE THIRD 'LONG LIVE COMEDY'
THE DOG AND PARROT (UPSTAIRS)
-OPPOSITE THE CENTRE FOR LIFE, 2 MINS FROM CENTRAL STATION.
ONLY £2.

MONDAY 17TH APRIL - THE STAND -EDINBURGH.