Guaranteed laughs???

As I said in the last post, what my stand up routine needs is more good guaranteed one liners- actual jokes, not just isn`t this funny, isn`t that rubbish, have you ever noticed how... Of course, what I really like is the little surreal wanderings and crazy ideas- but I think these will work a lot better if I have some good, safe, money in the bank jokes.

Anyway, here`s a few I`ve got that I think will work.

How do you start a teddy bears` race?
Go on ya bastards!
(This has to be yelled while miming a whip)

My father wanted to bring us up with the right attitude. He`d always say, don`t worry son, Life is just a game... It`s fun at first then you realise it`s a pointless waste of time.`

I love the Big Issue. When they were just begging I`d walk past feeling guilty, now they`re just badly stocked newsagents. I feel jusitified in taking my custom else where.


Hmmmm. I don`t think my set`s going to last the standard 7 minutes.